Baby times acoming...again :)

Did I tell you that we're expecting another baby? Well we are regardless, and we've found out that it's going to be a girl. From the view we had on the scan there's no doubt about it. Very excited and nervous. Due 28th August, very close aaarrrggghh. We're hoping Ollie doesn't get into the terrible two's early or we're in for a nightmare.

Green Hornet, Sucker punch and Thor

A bit of a 2011 movie update I think. If this looks weird it's 'cos it's on the iPad. Still weird typing on this thing. Okay, so Green Hornet was a massive pile of shite. One of the rare number of films I couldn't actually sit through. Very very disappointing.

Sucker punch was amazing. The cinematography of it, the clear distinction between the different dream worlds, the wardrobe changes even, all masterfully done. The action scenes were like nothing you've ever seen before. I loved the 10 foot samurai sequence. Out of this world. One word of warning however, you will have to concentrate to keep track of what the hell is going on.

I realise that I didn't put Thor on the list, but admittedly I was dubious as to how they'd incorporate magic and Gods into the ultra realistic world Marvel have already created with Iron Man etc. I'm happy to be proven wrong sometimes. This is one of those times. Loved it. The fact that they chose a Shakesperean actor to direct worked wonders, and it was a stroke of genius choosing to use British accents instead of using olde worlde English. I was also very impressed with the subtle love story, rather than going all out lust party. I for one hope that they keep churning out as many Marvel movies as possible before Disney takes over. The good thing about the takeover I suppose is that otherwise we would have probably received one film a year instead of about three.

Here's hoping they do the whole Thor/Tony Stark drinking buddies thing in Avengers.

Tron and other awesomeness

I went to see Tron Legacy (aka 2.0) at the pictures this week, and it's the first film I've seen in 3D. I was very impressed by the styling and it lends itself well to 3D, although it wasn't essential. I think they did a great job on the lightcyle and flying sequences. One flaw (and a small one mind you) was the 1980's CGI Jeff Bridges (a man who I always confuse with Kurt Russell, but never the other way round). It was quite well done, but there just wasn't enough movement on the face. Especially the brow. True, it was an infinitely better idea than the usual trick of dressing them up in 80's clothes and pretending they're younger, but it could have used a little work. But that's a minor quibble.

Towards the end (and I'll try not to spoil anything if possible) it got me thinking, is our world so perfect? With all the war, famine, violence, working for a living, why would you fight so hard to get back to it all. Especially since the hero of the film didn't have anyone at all to return to. Wouldn't the call of this new unexplored world tempt you at least a little? I just don't understand some people.

It also got me thinking about how lucky we've been with such a treasure trove of awesome films released over the past year or so. The Losers, A-team (highly underrated), Kick-Ass, Avatar, Inception, Star Trek, Iron Man 2, Scott Pilgim vs The World, Monsters vs Aliens, Toy Story 3, even Resident Evil 4 was quite good.

I'n 2011 looking forward to:

Green Hornet (14th Jan, am I right in thinking this is the first remake of a Bruce Lee film?)

Sucker Punch (25th Mar) looks amazing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dNEI4Kptrc

Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (20th May)

Hangover 2 (26th May)

Kung Fu Panda 2 (27th May)

X-Men First Class (3rd June)

Green Lantern (17th June)

Cars 2 (24th June)

Transformers 3 (1st Jul)

Captain America (22nd Jul)

Cowboys and Aliens (29th Jul)

The Thing (prequel, 14th Oct)

In 2012:

The Wolverine (TBA)

Deadpool (TBA)

The Avengers (4th May)

Star Trek 2 (29th June)

Batman 3/The Dark Knight Rises (20th Jul)

Lets hope that the planned Mortal Kombat film is based on the recent short http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs3ROFNxa5M

Robocop 3 leads to boredom

Evenin. So I'm sat here watching Robocop 3 and as with any mediocre film, my mind began to wander, so I thought I'd come by and say hello. Man I wish this was Robocop 2.

Anyway, I suppose I better get you caught up. We got married, had our honeymoon in Seashouses (which was nice), and organised my DVD collection. Other than that and playing WoW extensively I've not been that busy.

Ollie on the other hand has come on in leaps and bounds. He's walking all over the place, plays with you and tries to say some words. Still not sleeping through the night though, the little bugger. He's also got a little brother or sister on the way. Woop.

Back to Robocop 3 though, you can totally tell that's a different guy in the suit. They only had to get someone with a similar looking mouth and they couldn't even get that right.

So yeah, the family's all cush. Nothing to complain about.

Is that bells I hear? Course it is, I've got Tinnitus

Guess what. We went down to the Civic centre to have a peak through the window at the room you can get married in...but the curtains were too thick. So we went in to ask if we could have a look. They told us while we were there that they've had a cancellation for 21st August (this year), so we decided to go for it. It's amazing how quickly everythings come together. Still haven't sent invites out yet though :P

Dr Whoooooooo, Dr Who, Dr Whooooo

We went to the greatest exhibition of all time a few weeks ago. "I'm sure that depends upont each persons personal preference" I hear you say. Well you'd be wrong. The Dr Who exhibit at the Centre of life was amazing. Costumes, props, aliens, models and massive parts of sets (like the telescope weapon from David Tennants Werewolf/Queen Victoria episode). I must admit that I broke the rules somewhat. Yes I realise that we're not supposed to touch the exhibits.....but when they have costumes worn by Kylie Monogue (a somewhat kinky French maid outfit), Tennant, Billie Piper and the latest companion Amy Pond you have to touch a bit of history. That and pretend to get your head sucked off by a WWII Dalek that can make tea despite the lack of thumbs. The best part was that they were adding exhibits every week once the episode aired, so we'll have to go again. Mint. Here's a couple of pictures

Little Mc at 9 months

So, little Ollie is almost 9 months now. Hard to believe. He's roughly as smelly as he used to be. He's taller. We can't quite figure out if he's talking or just making convenient noises. Dadadadada when he sees me etc. He's a pretty fast runner when you hold his hands and he crawling using only one leg. He's getting there though and in the past week he's been wriggling his bum in the air when he's been crawling.

He's also on solids now....when he can be bothered. He eats a lot more variety than we do. Which is nice. Still not sleeping through the night, but he's getting up for a feed a lot less. He's developed a proper personality now as well. The cheeky scamp is always getting into where he shouldn't be. Which reminds me, at what age does a child go from being inquisitive to naughty?

He's here.....oh wait, he has been for 5 months :P

Sorry for the long pause....althought it's now what I'm known for....not that anyone reads anymore, so I'm not strictly known for it I guess. You know, I don't think I rant irl, so why do I here? I guess my head keeps all this in and spills its guts whenever it can. Anyway, I'm going to continue to pretend that I'm talking to someone else and get us on our way.

First things first, our little boy (Oliver Jack) was born on 18/10/2009 at 00:34. Why was I paying such close attention to the time? Well he was due on 17th and towards the end it felt like a race. Once you get into the 40th hour of labour (that's right, we hit the 40 mark), the doctors intervene. Turns out that he was being an awkward sod and had his head cocked to the side so all the pushing was just wedging him in more. They had to use foreceps (spelling? Maybe a T in there somewhere) and they left a wicked temporary mark (that all the chicks would have dug, but it faded in a couple of days. Tough luck son. Here's a picture of it for when you're older).

He came out well other than that and was the happiest baby you've ever seen right up until his first jabs. He screamed the entire day and was generally unhappy for the whole 4 weeks until just before his next set of jabs. Then he cheered up. Luckily for us he's getting better with them and his latest set barely had an effect. I love the way he wakes up in the morning and gives us a big gummy grin. Like he's so pleased to see us. Don't get me wrong, life isn't exactly easy for him or us. He started getting teeth in the first 2 months or so and he's still having trouble with them (he's 5 months today and none of the teeth are completely through yet). Poor kid.

I can't help but say (and I know that I'm biased) that he's the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. He's probably the smartest too. He was doing things like following objects and noises since he was 3 days old and most don't start that until around 3 months. He's determined to walk before he can crawl and wouldn't let us rest until we either let him start weening early, or let him eat the dog. I think we made the right decision.

His latest trick is to roll onto his front (not always successfully) and then kick off that he's actually managed it. He won't stop complaining until he's on his back again....and then the cycle continues.

He did the best thing the other day. Nic took his nappy off to let him wriggle, at which point he decided to wee all over his own face. He didn't like it. If only I had the camera to hand :D

I know this is a bit early, but from what I've gathered so far, here's a few tips for new parents:

1) Buy as much as you can before they're born. You won't have the time or energy to shop once they're here.

2) Don't bother with re-usable nappies. They're great in theory, way way too much work in practice.

3) Try not to stress as much. Babies can smell fear. You're (probably) not going to break them.

4) Try to make eye contact when they do. There's no greater feeling than having your son (or daughter) stare up at you with admiration.

5) Try to strike some sort of deal with your partner. We decided that one takes the night feeds and the other gets up in the morning and takes him downstairs so night parent can get some shut eye. You can see from the picture how I am even with this system, imagine if we didn't have it. Hell, at least I caught up on all the stuff I'd recorded on the sky box :P

6) Whatever you do, don't listen to (the ridiculous amount of) people who tell you to sleep when the baby does. This is suicide. Firstly because they start out by sleeping around 16 hours, then once you'll get used to that they sleep less and you're screwed. The second, and more important reason, is that if you sleep when they do, you literally have to time to yourself. You're caught up in baby things all day and if this happens you'll feel like you are going mad. As much as you love your kids, you shouldn't stop being yourself completely. You need a couple of hours to watch a film, play a game, anything. Read a book! The last thing anyone wants is for you to resent your kids (which I definately don't). Many feel that their lives are over because they have someone to protect night and day. Don't be like that. A big shout out at this point to both our sets of parents for helping us out in this way.

I'd like to finish up by thankig my beautiful Nic for producing such a great kid and travelling with me through this minefield of exploding nappies and projectile vomit :)

Nope, try again

Ok, I don't want to throw around the term 'false alarm', but it's rather apt. Everything is fine and the pain was (frustratingly) unknown and natural. Well if pain like that is natural, I don't want to be natural. This did serve to give us a kick up the bum however and we've sorted all of the babies stuff out, put up the moses basket, found room for his clothes.....and it's only just dawned on me how much more stuff is in the loft (changing mat, nappies, bath etc etc etc). I'm glad we've at least got this stuff here, otherwise I'd never be able to sleep.

On that train of thought, my insomnia has been come and go a lot lately. I think about things far too much (which you probably already know with abundance) and it just runs through my head when I try to fall asleep. Last night was a prime example, but tonight I'm knackered as a result and hope to be counting sheep before too long.....so much so that it just took me three attempted to spell long. Yawn¬¬

36 weeks????

I was going to save this 'til tomorrow but as you'll discover, time is against me somewhat. So much so that I'm not sure I'll get this finished on time. Anyway here goes.

Get the boring stuff out the way first. Lost my job in May. Still not found another one. Became homeless and moved in with the parents on September. Another rant on housing another time. At the minute I really don't care.

Why so, you ask? Well the pregnancy has gone by quickly with no problems whatsoever. I can't believe he's been cooking for 36 weeks (one week and he's done officially, oh and it's a he :) ). and I'm a stupid amount of excited. Today, everything seems that bit bigger and scarier. Why? Well, this morning Nicola was confused whether she saw her plug go down the toilet...no not that type of plug. That ones attached to the sink. Then just after Xfactor (good timing) she started getting stabbing pains in the stomache, and nausea (that spelling looks wrong but I'm on a time limit damnit!!). I had to force her to let me ring the hospital and they said to take paracetamol and wait an hour. An hour later and she hasn't been able to take them, developed a back pain and the stomache pain now comes in waves. Exactly what I was thinking. You're way ahead of me. So, in 20 mins or so we've been told to go down to the hospital and get checked out. Arrrggh worriecited. aaarrrggghh.

Well wish us luck. I love you baby girl and hope we'll see our baby boy soon enough :)

Who's ya Daddy?

Happy March to you all. A lot can happen between blogs...especially since I don't write 4 a day now. I got engaged and we're having a baby. That all happened since the last post. Who'd have thunk it? Me of all people. He who'd become resigned to the fact that he was just going to die alone and theres nothing he could do about it. I for one am happy things don't seem to be going that way. Little Gizmo, or Jabba has been cooking away inside Nicola for 10 weeks now and I couldn't be happier. Two more weeks now and we should get the first scan, but as I'm sure you can understand, we ain't gonna see a whole hell of a lot. Maybe a heartbeat, maybe a flipper. You never know.

Unfortunately (and who didn't see an 'unfortunately' coming in one of my blogs?) my ears have decided to play silly buggers. I have, for some unearthly reason, developed Tinitus (a constant high pitched ringing in the ears) as well as hypersensitivity, which is all a fancy way of saying it hurts like buggery to wear a headset or use a phone. Kind of a hindrance in my job. With a baby on the way this has made me somewhat.........anxious to say the least about my future to the point where I just want to bury my head until everythings fine again. I know this will not happen. I really don't known what I'm gonna do.......

The weird thing is (and that seems a weird, nearly uncooth way to start a sentence) that once I get home, I don't really care. All the baby talk and anticipation kind of makes it all go away. I realise that I probably need to control this and actively do something, but what? Not that I'm using my unborn child as an escape already. What do you think I am?

That reminds me, I'm watching series 3 of Dexter at the minute. An amazing series about a serial killer with no emotions that tries to pretend to be a real person and only does bad things to bad people. It also helps that he's a blood splatter analyst with the Miami PD. Anyway, he too is going to be a father (and considering I felt emotionless for a while this is already bringing up strange parallels), and I feel more connected to the story than ever. I'm not explaining it right I know, but I know what I mean.

So yeah, lots of busy busy busy. *Enter whitty end phrase here, DON'T FORGET TO DELETE THIS BIT!!!!*

For someone special

It turns out that nowadays I do have happier thoughts. Things have in fact been going very well for me. At this point I can't imagine life without Nicola. We spend almost every waking moment together and I couldn't be happier. We've had our shifts aligned so that we can actually see each other now. I'm happier than I ever thought possible and I owe it all to one person.

It's weird, but I never thought I could really get this close to anyone. I couldn't imagine a world where the social barriers between people just didn't apply. Where it didn't matter where you're normal boundaries of personal space, some people could just break through.

I really don't think I'm expressing it enough...but then that's always been my problem. I never have been good at it. At least I think it's changing. I'm trying.

There are so many things that I love about her it's ridiculous. Some things I can't even put into words. Some things wouldn't do them justice by simply using words. I love how comfortable we are around each other, how she looks out for me and worries about everything, how geeky she can be and much more geeky she's made me. I love how she makes me feel about myself and I love it when she shows me the smallest glimpses of how I might affect how she sees herself.

Right now we're 7 months into the relationship and we talk about things people don't usually talk about until they've known each other for years. Every day I wake up knowing that the rest of my life will be spent with the one I love and that everything, no matter how big it seems at the time, will sort itself out because of it.

I love you baby girl

Almost Christmas ranting-shenanigans

Dear Bloggees, I am still not dead, and I don't intend to be any time soon.....although this keyboard will be if it doesn't stop messing with me.

Well it's Christmas, although I don't really have to tell you that do I. I'm semi sorted and looking forward to it now that I've finally gotten the day off. Yes, they decided to screw me over again. It will be three Christmas eve and boxing days in a row, but they'll never tie me down for Christmas. I'm even working all new year when 100 odd other people get one or the other off. This place vexes me.....however I have gotten used to the whole turning my mind off and zombieing through the day with no regard for the bodies I leave in my wake.

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...

Flat job with stolen DVD's

It's been ages since I've had a rant, and what better a place to do it. Lets see..... I have a list somewhere....

1) The billing for the new flat is a fucking joke. They've taken it several times, they've not set it up, they've set it up wrong. I guess that's what happens when you get something at the last minute.

2) I'm back on the phones as of today. Whoopdefuckingdoo. Admittedly it's better than it was, but it's still a job where you get punished for thinking for yourself (and I have been. Really). The novelty of having my job done for me will wear off very quickly, but it's a good job that I've printed off a few CV's today.

3) The guy who nicked all my DVD's? You remember him. Well he's in my front room. I'm paranoid as fuck. I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. I definately know I won't be able to concentrate at work tomorrow knowing he's probably helping myself to all my stuff (again). I'm gonna text the landlord in the morning and ask for a lock to be put on my door. If he doesn't let me then fuck knows what I'm going to do......

I don't really feel that much better after that....





.....fuck

Street porn

When you were a kid, did you ever notice random porn just lying there in the middle of the street? You'd think it was a thrown away magazine but as you got closer you'd realise that there's blatantly naked women on there. It'd always be weather beaten, ripped and faded. Strangely enough the women would always be hairy as hell too. Why was it only this type of porn that people threw out into the street? You'd never want to pick it up 'cos you'd look like a pervert, but you'd always try to crane your neck in order to get a better look. It's like a forbidden fruit.

Why do you bring this up now? I hear you ask. Well, last week (or the week before) I found my first bit of street porn in a long time. I was amazed. It's like white dog shit. You just never see it nowadays (by the way, I saw one of those too). I still didn't want to pick it up, and I still craned my head to see.

It's a marvelous world

I've moved in (again) and changing jobs (again)

I know it's a little late, but then when do I ever blog on time anymore? We're all settled in to the new flat (yes I finished packing and indeed unpacking). The only way I could force myself to unpack on moving day was to put all the boxes on my bed so I had to unpack them so I could sleep. I've pretty much gotten my room as I want it, even though I've had to do the whole comedy cupboard thing (packing everything in so it falls out when you touch the door). Anyone trying to get to the water heater through there will be in for a big surprise hehe.

I really need to start eating properly though. That's my new months resolution.

I almost got a big TV for my room, but just before the guy read my e-mail to confirm that I wanted it, somone turned up on his doorstep and took it there and then. I am not happy. I was wanting one mainly to play on the xbox and watch DVD's because my PC started kicking up a fuss when I put a DVD in. As soon as I lost out on the TV my CD drive on the PC crapped out and no longer reads anything :(

What else? Things are still going great with Nicola but since we're moving into different campaigns at work we'll be on completely opposite shifts. We don't even have the same days off. It's going to be really weird, what with seeing her pretty much every day, and then only briefly randomly throughout the week. Luckily the move to the campaign I'm on (I start tomorrow) is only for a month. After that it should be easier to sort things out.

Unfortunately the campaign I'm on now is closing today. That means no more cushy admin job. I have to speak to customers full time...................I really need a new job. I just want to take this opportunity to say that I've really enjoyed my time on COT and it's given me far more than work related experience. If it wasn't for this campaign I never would have met Nicola properly, and things would be very differnt. I've also made some great friends and some interesting enemies. I've gotten a chance to practice my random evilness now and again for which I'm always thankful. Goodbye COT, we'll miss you.

.....it makes me wonder though. This is the second campaign I've been on that's closed while I've been there. Maybe I'm a jinx?

I need something slightly more jolly to end on.....oooh, I bought a Force FX light sabre (Darth Vader's of course). It lights up, made of metal, all the cool sound effects. Man I'm such a geek!

Catchup including What a cow says, with "ving" on the end

Ah good old blog. Always here when I need you. I know I keep promising to come back, but hell, I've been busy. I'm sorry. I know you get lonely now that no one else comes to visit anymore. I'll let you know what's been going on since last time. Will that cheer you up? Good.

Well, there's been a couple of big things actually. Got myself a girlfriend! That's right. Read it again if you don't believe me. If I go into a description of Nicola then I'll probably end up getting carried away with myself and we'll be here all night (and she'll have plently of ammo with which to bombard me with an "aah bless" or two :P ). We've officially been going out since 2nd May (Ironman's release day). Wow, made it past the first date and everything haha. Almost two months now and things are still amazing. I expect them to stay this way too. Oh, and she's already read the blog and she hasn't run away screaming! How awesome is that?

In other news, we're moving tomorrow! (well I know some of you readers are pedantic enough to point out that it's officially today so for arguments sake, we move out on 1st July 2008. Happy?). I'm still not finished packing :P The end of an era. This flat has had many happy memories for us. A hell of a lot has happened. Even though it's a shit hole I'm gonna miss it. Lets not talk about the new place until I'm settled. I'm not happy about the room situation and that's all I'm saying until I calm down.

What else? I'm going back on the phones in August. Sucks big time so I'm really wanting to search for another job in the next few weeks. If anyone says Orange I'm ignoring them haha. I don't really want call centres anymore. Something admin-ish. Maybe the ministry.

Of course you realise that all this is is just a way to get out of packing. Boy do I hate packing. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH


Hate it.

By the by, we won't have broadband til around the 9th July. We may have turned to canabalism for entertainment by then.

Drunken utterings

I don't know if I've told you this before, but there's a definate indicator for when I'm drunk. I'll reach a certain stage where at random intervals I will make a sound. Not always the same sound. Never a real word. Just an "urgh", or "ahhh". I'll quickly notice myself doing this and automatically follow it up with another, similar sound. Why? I have no idea. Why you'd be interested, I'd have no idea either. I'm just sitting here grunting drunk and wanting to type something :P

Oh, and I go back to work tomor...today. I hate when people correct you in these situations. Ooooh, it's after midnight, it's the next day! I have a roughing out idea for this convention. As long as you're awake it remains the previous day, or until you reach around 5:30am/6am. Gives you longer nights and all you're losing is the rubbish bit of morning you probably never used anyway. Perfect

Ooooh, back to work soon

I'm kinda looking forward to going back to work...and not at the same time. I've enjoyed my time off (and admittedly there's still a few more days of enjoyment to squeeze out of it), but I've missed the people at work. The constant concentration required for the job kept me sane for a while, but now I've gotten used to not having to think. Can I get back into the swing of things?.......'course I can. It's like riding a bike.

Other than that, things are going very well. My personal life is on top form :)

Mario Kart champion of the world

See. I told you I'd get something written on my holidays. Not only have I been working on my novel a bit (I've just realised how mammoth a task it is, I tried to get it all on one large sheet of paper, just the outlines, and I think I'm gonna run out), but I've also got some blogging time :)

We went on Mario Kart Wii online last night against the rest of the world. There's no chat facility or anything, but I'm pretty sure the other drivers grew to hate us...after all, I started to hate them pretty quickly :P I'm not racist in the least, but when Pierre from France (and yes, that was his actual game name, or Alex (DAMN YOU ALEX AND YOUR OVERTAKING AT THE LAST MINUTE!!!) from the USA start ramming you off the road, you find it easy to hate them not only as a people, but as a country. This is how wars start.

.....but it's all an enjoyable hatred. A friendly competativeness....atleast I assume it is. You never know if Alex took me destroying him in the first two races took that as a fun gesture. I guess I'll never know.....unless by some freak coincidence they're reading this...or you know them. If so, and you want to smacktalk with the British guy who kicked your ass, then bring it!

It was weird though. We played 'til 5am, but only ever came across one other person from the UK. Even weirder was the fact that only one person from Japan was on. Maybe the online system isn't as popular as they'd hoped???? (P.S if you work for Nintendo and want me to recall that last statement then please send me crap loads of free stuff :D )

Snapshot of my life at the minute

Hi. I'm off for another week and a bit (I had to take my holidays or I'd lose them) so I thought it'd be the ideal time to get some blogging done. I just had to get that bee post out, but now that I've calmed down lets review the various aspects of my life:

Work: It seemed like I was there all the time, but not necessarily in a bad way. Work has become...something other than work. I enjoy it. I enjoy the people. There was a time there when it was all up in the air and everything seemed like it was changing, but we muddled through.

The reason I never take holidays when I've got a good little job going at work is because more often than not, I've seen people come back to find that they're put way back on the bottom rung of the company again. I really don't want that (again), so I made sure my concerns were know ;)

I had the feeling that I was going to miss the people too. And for some of them I do. Surprisingly, others have kept in contact while I've been lazing around the flat so it's much much better than expected :D

Get this, on the last full day I was tricked into thinking we were just getting a present for Dave. So, we sit down for a team meeting and my manager starts his speech about how much the person in question means to the team and for all their hard work, and that it's their birthday soon.....at this point I freeze. I don't think it's Dave's birthday soon is it? Holy crap! They bring out this chocolate cake and some cards and give them to me! I'm gobsmacked. Totally humbled. While I'm reading the cards they pull out another package, this time with a big transformer in it (a mighty well chosen gift). By this point I'm ridiculously bowled over.....then I got scrubbed with cake, but it's all good. How sweet is that? I told them that I hadn't expected anything. A couple of the guys gave me the most shocked look and said "Why wouldn't you expect anything? You're the Godfather of the campaign!" Needless to say I'm still a little smug and a lot taken aback by the whole thing :)

The Flat (Home): What can I say about the flat? It's not as big a shithole as it used to be, but a tidyup can't hide the fact that it's still a shitty place. We're determined to move out (for real this time) so I'm busily trying to amass the deposit for a new place together. We can't really look properly until everyone has the money, but we all seem to be making positive moves in the right direction. I'm gonna refuse to move in anywhere if my room ends up as small as this one. I fear I'll knock something over if I so much as sneeze.....cozy though :P

Other than the living conditions, things are running smoothly at home....other than I had a shit load of DVD's stolen. I've spent an untold amount of time trying to remember everything that's gone. I've got 10 so far. Some were presents. I am not amused.

Other: I can't go into specifics about anything else can I really? If it's not for people complaining that they don't want to be mentioned in the infamous blog, it's the sensitive situations that the blog always ends up destroying. Lets just generalise and say everythings fine. The family is fine. Everythings fine.

Oh, it almost slipped my mind. The Council has lost all of my payments for the last year and a half, and everytime I go round to sort something out they create a new problem. It's a nightmare and I don't see why I have to do all the leg work, but I guess there's no way out of that.

Oh, and it's my birthday on Sunday. Age maths has been running through my head yet again. Make it stop! But, what can you do?

IT'S WARTIME BEEatch!!

That's right. I'm not pointing fingers, but I'm blaming Mumbles. This week he told me about the fact that there are hardly any bee's left in Britain. Long time readers will understand how happy this makes me. My seemingly endless battle with the yellow/black bellied bastards seems to be coming to a final close. Of course I'm not counting my bee's until they've failed to hatch.

"Why would any blame be put onto Mumbles for that?" I hear you say (if you remembered that part anyway). Well, as you may remember, it wasn't always bee's. Sometimes it was a fly, sometimes one of those crazy wasp-looking flies, or sometimes a big 'ol wasp itself. I walked into the kitchen the other day to find a wasp held as a Prisoner Of War under a glass. The day after it dies I get woken up at 8:30am with a wasp at my window. Why change from 10:30? That's just mean. It's not as if I made the POW read a list of demands and mail it to his family. Some people just have no respect for modern warfare.

I may be down one can of aerosol after this mornings attack, but the war isn't over

Becky's blog

For some time we (Becky and I) have been meaning to write a joint blog. Like an interconnected letter, or....I can't think of a descriptor right now. Too tired. We decided to write about each other, but after that we didn't really have any other rules. I tend to ramble without a definitive outline, so bear with me :P

What can I say about Becky? She's sweet and kind, and she admits that she lives to wind us up. Unusually, she's the only person in the world I can take that from. Why? I haven't been able to figure it out completely, but there's just something about her. A fresh breath of life encapsulated in one person. I know for absolute certain that nothing is said to offend or hurt. It's just to get a reaction.

I feel I may have started off on the wrong foot. That isn't the be all and end all. It's only a small part. Becky is funny, smart, and as crazy as I am (well that might be a stretch, haha). she gets me like very few people do. I am many things to many people, and few see all. I feel like I belong here...

She, as has Mumbles, has become a part of me (I know, that sounds incredably soppy, but I'm allowed to once in a while damnit). You can't spend pretty much all day, every day with people without one of two things happening. You either love or you hate them. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I do love her. Before you jump to your feet and start pointing in an accusing manner (which you probably already have done. In which case sit down), there are many different types of love. Now love isn't a term I throw around lightly (and yes I'm aware I've used it far too much already, sue me) but what other words for it are there?

Things weren't always like this however. Cast your mind back to when we first moved into the glorious flat that has now become legend. As you may remember, I moved in with Spicy and Mumbles, who (or is that whom? I never know the difference) I used to work with. Becky was one of Spicy's friends, and like all his other friends, she was here all of the time. It was a very lively house (quite the opposite of the chilled, relaxed atmosphere we currently have).
As often as I saw these people, there was always this air around saying "You may get to know these people, but they're my friends." Not necessarily in a malicious way, but it was there. Because of this I never really got to know any of his friends....until he left.

Once Spicy had decided to leave (through numerous justifiable reasons), most of his friends left with him. However, we began to see Becky and Shelly around the flat on a regular basis. At this stage, as much as I liked them, I didn't really feel like a belong. Maybe the strange aura of "they're my friends" still hung around, maybe I just didn't find that point of connection.

In fact, this went on from around November until Mumbles' birthday (last July). Mumbles' had been spending more time with Becky than I had to be fair, I mean, how do you start a conversation with someone who's got their back to you, typing away, and listening to deafening music when you don't really know them properly? I know. It's difficult.

I'm trying to pinpoint the exact moment it happened. The four of us were out on the town, celebrating a birthday Mumble's really didn't want to acknowledge. He's like that. I guess Becky and I spoke more that night than we had in the previous months. Haha, and then there's the embarrasing story I really shouldn't tell you about that happened that night. So I won't. It's safe to say that we suddenly clicked.

The next day I pondered, as I always do. I wondered if it's just me who noticed any clicking. I was not alone. Ever since then the three of us have become....I'm not sure how to accurately describe it. Maybe family is what you make of it. If you become so close to people that life would just be bizarre without them in it, is that not the spirit of a family? I think this friendship has changed me. In a good way. People say that the three of us have changed in the recent
past, and I think they're right. I feel looser. More free. I mean, hell, a year ago you wouldn't catch me dressing up as a zombie for shits and giggles, putting on makeup to look like a clown, or sitting round on a lazy Saturday to make a mask. Halloween's became my favourite time of year (even surpassing Christmas) just for the sheer fact that we all get so hyped up about it. It's a chance to become something else. Something mythical. Not that I'm unhappy with what I am right now. In fact I'm perfectly content. My jobs good (for a change). I'm in great company.
I do what I want, if I want to. What more could I ask for? I've never believed that I'd become a super-rich, successful type. I've never seen it as being on the cards. The stupid amounts of self doubt have seen to that.

So, as long as I can get by on what I've got, I'm happy. Put it like this. If there isn't a heaven, then the journey of life doesn't have the greatest destination. So, you should be happy when your travelling companions make the trip that much more enjoyable.....hang on. That sounds a
bit depressing.

Think of something else.
...
There was a moment there when I considered not moving into the flat. To this day I think the decision to move in has been the greatest decision I've ever made. If I hadn't then my life still wouldn't have begun. None of this would have happend for me and I thank my lucky stars that it did. You're the greatest

Insomniatic nightmare

I know, I know. It's way too early for anyone, but what can you do. As I've said in the past, I hate, I hate, I HATE insomnia. But a nice walk with the crew and a McDonalds has sorted me out something proper.....I'm still not awake though.

This is probably the first time I've had insomnia without getting homicidally angry. Maybe it's because after the hour I did manage to get some sleep, I woke up from a sweaty nightmare. I must say, when my head starts to mess with me, it can write a good storyline. I was at my Grandma's, but it wasn't my Grandma's. In it she was actually Mimi from Shameless (probably the person least like my actual Grandma you could find). I heard her shouting "Phil, do you hear someone? Hello?" I heard creaking. The darkness stayed and I listened. She said it again, and at that point I realised that my uncle Phil wasn't even in the house, and that she thought the person in there was him and that I was the intruder. Fearing for her safety I paniced and woke up.

As I lay there I wasn't scared. All I could think was "Well played subconscious. Good stoytelling"

I'll get you next time nightmare man!

I think they call it 'Yogging'

In another spat of keep fit madness, we went jogging the other day. Surprisingly I can now jog. Who'd have thunk it? The guy who came 81st in a cross country race. In fact I could have done that twice over, but I guess you have to go at the pace of the people you're with. We may have concluded our first group jog, however it may not be my last....duh duh duh.....


....although I have only just stopped hurting from the last time.

The year in review (2007)

What else has happened? Oh yeah, there was new year. Happy new year (and Christmas, and Halloween, and birthday possibly, I don't know, I'm not good with dates). New year was a bit of a let down, but we continued the tradition we made the previous year and we went over the year in review. It's always nice to remiss, although last year wasn't exactly jam packed.

We almost moved out
We (as a household) lost contact with a lot of people (15 1/2 at last count, and not by choice), and considering we didn't meet nearly half as many people to replace them, that's a bit worrying
The three of us have bonded a lot more, and Becky isn't just one of Spicy's friends anymore
I've changed job roles at least a dozen times (currently I like it though so it's all good)
I went to Seahouses
We had a Halloween party
Christmas dinner was lush
I finished my dog
I dressed as a zombie, V and a clown
Leckie had his baby
I still didn't get fired
I started my weight training
I bought more DVD's
Transformers the live action movie was released
I had another date

Not a bad year :)

Blog relief

Still not ate yet, but I thought I'd stick a quick one in.

The reason I was so determined to do this today was becuase I know I've got a lot on my mind...I'm just not sure what that is. As you know, my subconscious a bit devious and keeps things from me. I've narrowed it down to a few things, but nothing really major. Maybe it's that whole need for a companion thing again. Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep. Hell, it could be anything (although the council demanding loads of money won't be helping). All I know is that just pouring my mind out into the keyboard was a very good move. Even if everything I'm writing isn't about what's on my mind, at least it's getting out there and clearing room for everything else. I can even feel my shoulders sagging with relief. Ahhhh, that's nice.

Definately should do this more often.

2 hours and counting.

So here we are. Hour two of blogging. I bet you never thought you'd see this....although admittedly I bet you still won't 'cos everyone would have given up long ago. I can't believe how much of a stress reliever it's been. And fun. I'd no idea that I'd have so much fun too. I'm actually contemplating not eating just because I'd have to stop....but I don't think that's going to happen. I am way too hungry. Damn frail human body!

I'll be back

Memories starting again

The mind's a funny old thing....although I'm sure I've told you this before. I can't quite remember. It's almost as if my memories were wiped down with a dirty cloth and smudged before I moved into the flat. It's kinda hazy. It's as if an actual new life started as soon as I walked into the door. I can remember the very first day with clarity (and I was very very drunk that day). Not that I'm saying my life before that was bad. In no way. But compared to this it wasn't much of a life. I didn't get out there, didn't meet people. Didn't spend longer than a few hours with my friends. They're so contrasting it's unbelievable.

Still, it's worrying. If the memory can wipe so easily, what's to stop it from doing it again? It's one of the things that holds me back from wanting to move out (which we're talking about again. July's just around the corner). I don't want to lose the memories I've made. I've had some of the happiest times of my life here. Who'd want to miss out on that? Sure I've had some shitty ones too, but I can block those out. I know it's weird, but it's not just me this has happened to. It happened to Becky too. What is it about this place that does this? Will the next place have a similar effect? I know one thing. I'm sure as hell going to try and stop it from happening at all costs!

Seashouses

As you may or may not know, the family used to always go to Seahouses every year for our summer holidays. I know what you're thinking. "Boy I bet that got old...hmmm, I wonder if there are any buscuits left". I can tell you now, no it didn't and no there aren't.

I went back there fairly recently. It hasn't changed much, and I couldn't believe how happy it made me. Re-visiting the old haunts. Taking a walk on the pier. Can you get how happy I was? I was stupidly happy. Look. Look at this stupid grin. I was that happy :P

Blogging around the shop

In a follow-up post, I've been on a hunt to find types of devices that can view the blog. So far I've got the great French DJ's phone and a PSP. I tried to get it on the Wii, but there's no way I'm paying for a browser. No chance.

The Halloween balloon

Ever since Halloween before last (that's 2006 to you and me), we've had a small orange balloon hiding away in the corner. Foraging for food while we're asleep. Knawing holes in my socks when I'm not looking. Typical evil Halloween balloon stuff. We found it cowering under the table just before Halloween 2007, with still a little bit of life left in the old boy. We put it as pride of place. But sneakily "someone" started toying with it. Torturing it as it lay captive and vulnerable pinned to the wall. Foreshame Becky, foreshame. We'll miss you Halloween balloon. I salute you oh near immortally blown up bit of rubber. RIP

Clowning around

Sometimes I get stupidly bored. When that combines with depression it can either lead to screaming and getting people to knock me around...or it can lead to dressing up like a clown. You know those days where you get in from work, you sit down, someone suggests you put on some makeup and you progress from there. I know I should be ashamed, or embarrased, but I'm really not. It cheered me up. It still does. Here's a couple of my favourite pics:

I never used to be this type of person. No one would have dreamed of it. Maybe something snapped inside, maybe I've always been this way but I've never set myself free...maybe, just maybe I made myself look like a tool and enjoyed it. We may never know.

What we do know is that the neighbours weren't expecting us to be like that when they came round to tell us that the back gates had blown off and that one of them was going away for the weekend as his mother has just died. You try sitting there with a straight face as someone tells you that, surrounded by clowns. Not such a pussy thing to do now is it?

Toilet troubles

Can you believe how shitty our landlord is? Three weeks without a working toilet! It got to the point where I was looking forward to going to work just so I didn't have to deal with the hastle of filling up a bucket. Don't worry, we didn't go old school and defacate out of windows. We have some standards.

Bee/Wasp update

You'll be relieved, nay, joyous to learn that as it's been winter for a while, I haven't been attacked by any bees or wasps. Yes, I know the likelyhood of finding a small offshoot of cold surviving super bee/wasp hybrids is slim, but knowing my luck with both of them you wouldn't be surprised. However, it is getting warmer, and with each tiny speck of mercury that climbs up the thermometer, I grow more and more alert for things to come.....

Finished my Dawg

Finally, after so much time and effort, I've finished making my very own dog (to be fair it was about three sittings of around 3 hours). Now most people can't really tell what it is straight away, and it doesn't take great pictures, so in that way I guess it's true what they say. Dogs do end up being like their owners. I finished him (I'm fairly sure it's a he) a while ago now and he's been sitting in the corner ever since. I love the little guy from his so called rat like head to his comedy tail. Sure, some people are impressed, but I'm not sure if they're just bullshitting me to make me feel good about myself. You never can tell. Not that I'd probably be able to take much criticisim. Angry angry feelings.

I did get a tremendous sense of achievement from this. Finally finding something to do with my hands. I can't sit withouth anything to do without something to occupy me. This was a great escape. Anyway, without further ado, here he is:

IT WAS CHRISTMAS!!!

What else has happened? Christmas I suppose. Christmas was really good this year. Becky and I cooked ourselves a pre-Christmas dinner. No offence to anyone who's cooked me anything in the past, but it was the greatest thing ever! Mmmm, just thinking about it makes me hungry. I know, I know. It's weird talking about this. But you've no idea how nice it was. In fact here, I'll show you a picture:



Oh, and I got a Wii. Oh the wee jokes we had. Oh the intense pain we had the next day. I've got a feeling that most of the country was in agony by Boxing day. Either the nations so unfit, or that thing's just evil. Fun though, incredibly fun, but sinisterly evil....if that's a word. If not then it should be.

....hungry now

Halloween (2007)

I am shit. I admit that. I don't keep you informed anymore. I love the blog, but I just don't get round to it these days. Not that I'm off doing anything particularly exciting, pretty much nothing in fact. But I guess it's who you do nothing with that counts (Mumbles and Becky are great people to do nothing with). Not that that was going to be my original point, but when has that ever stopped me.

Time for an update on the whole "life" thing. Let's backtrack to Halloween. I'm loving that time of year more and more each time. I had two costumes this year. A zombie and V from V for Vendetta.

How Awesome are they?.....boy I'm sad.

Needless to say a good time was had by all. Especially by some crazy dressed as Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh.....I'M OLD GREGGGG!!!!!

Time for an interlude

Amnesia dream

Well, it's another year gone, but we're not quite there yet. Time for nostalgia later. What I really want to talk about is the fact that I've finally had another dream. How long has it been now? Jeez. Anyway, I go to bed on 29/12/07 (I know, it's already scarily specific (especially considering that was the date I went to bed before the dream)) and woke up 10 or 20 years in the future. Mumbles, Becky and myself were all living in another flat, small, not too fancy, but a bit homely. The first thing I notice (other than waking in a strange room) is Becky poke her head through one of those serving hatch doodas. Quite why I've got one in my bedroom? God knows. I could tell the age change straight off, and the fact that she'd become anorexic and seemed to be going out with someone who more than likely was my good old friend Husky. She'd also had started wearing pink. Someone totally unlike here. I had no memory between this 20 year gap so I had to fill in the blanks. I decided to ask Mumbles, who I walk in on in a massive, I mean HUGE dressing gown, and in the room is Big from Sex in the city (and before you start, I'm only ever in the room when it's on. I've never seen it intentionally). I ask him what's going on and he tells me that I've spent the entire time sitting on the sofa laughing at nothing, nonstop.

Crazy

Baby Leckie

Leckie's had his baby! Did I tell you he was pregnant? I suppose I'm still freaked about mentioning people's lives on here since the first time I got into bother, but I felt this had to be noted. She's a week old today. Still not seen her yet. Congratulations

The star of your life

It's weird how people seem to look at their own lives. Most people seem to see themselves as the star of a film. One that has a definitive beginning, middle and end. One with a story and a goal. An overall outcome other than the surprising death of the main character. It's the dream that gets them through. Knowing that it's all worth it. All the pain and suffering will ultimately lead to something greater.

I can't help but wonder if that's a little naive

We can't all be destined for great things. There are some of us that grow old and decay having accomplished nothing. There are those who don't make it that far. And yes, there are those who rule the world and have ample time for a quick game of scrabble afterwards. The point is, I can see where they're coming from...okay it may not be the point but it's....well it's part of it.

I myself see myself as the key character in my life. Not to downplay anyone elses parts, but from my perspective, if I die then the movie's over. I don't get to see any more. I don't get to pay to see someone elses show. Animal instinct forces us to try and stay alive, so why not use it. I work so I can pay to live. What's wrong with that? It's not too selfish is it?

I wonder if there are people out there playing different roles in their own movies. Lesser characters. I suppose the most logical answer could be some parents. I understand that having children is a special thing, the formation of a tight bond. I can see how people can see their future in that newborn face and (sometimes) happily give up the limelight to let someone else take up centre stage.

I suppose that's what you're taught in the military too. They break you down to become more compliant and less impulsive. They become the directors of your movie...or atleast for as long as the cameras are running.

There are those with such low self esteem that would probably give up their main character gig just to avoid any sort of interaction, and that's just depressing.

I find myself thinking this mainly because as of the last few months, I can't tell if there's even a camera running. I've carried on working, paying the bills, enjoying myself when I have the time, but then what? Don't get me wrong, the enjoying myself bit is top notch. It's what I'm here for.
But, my movie seems to lack a direction of late. Nothing to push the plot forward.

I can't see a plot in the story of my life, but it's not necessarily because there isn't one. Maybe it's going to be a surprise ending. Something you wouldn't expect in amongst all of the chaos? Or maybe it's just masked by all of the comedy? It's just sliding on by. Or maybe there isn't a plot. Maybe they're fooling themselves. Life might just well be a series of random events set in place by other random event....or maybe....well there could be any number of possibilities when you think about it. The accumulated star quality of our lives, when combined, could tell the plot of the Earth's, nay the galaxies story. Maybe we can write our own. You never can tell until it's over. I'd like to believe that I'm headed for my big action scene, but in the back of my mind I'm prepared to just live out my time waiting during the funny bits and trying to fast forward the boring ones.

I really did want to end that on that last sentence. I really did, it was quite nice. However, I've just rememebered the reason I started this whole thing. I've decided I'm going to quit my job in the new year. I've had enough of the weird atmosphere, the deceit, the constant self dellusionment I put myself through time and again when I go for promotion. It's not the same as it was. It never can be. Definately not where I am now. So maybe I need to find somewhere else to waste my time making money. I need to try and force my story onward and in a new direction. Add extra characters. A good guy told me on his leaving day "Don't let the bastards grind you down". It's true, I've let them and the only way out of the granary is to leave the farmers land altogether. Start afresh....and worry about money like a loon (I am already). Of course I'll get another job first, but then there's the decisions like do I stay in call centre's (almost everyone I know are still in there), or do I find something else? What am I capable of? Who would accept me? Am I destined to remain in the call centre world? All to ponder on.

Hunting season's over

Is it a bad thing that the main controversial thing in my life is this blog? Or is it just sad? Don't answer. Anyway, it's happened again. Well after a lot of work (not on my part) we finally got to meet the Monk. Turns out he's more than a little miffed about the Monk hunt and he in no uncertain terms accused us all (and me as a ringleader) of stalking him. He seemed to find a collection people caring whether he was alive or dead was too intrusive and far more information than they need to know. This accusation went on for some time. I don't want to go into the details but wrapping the whole debacle up, sod him. If he can't take a lighthearted interest in his well being then why should I care any more? Fuck it.

School reunited

Evenin bloggees. Been a while. To tell you the truth I just can't be arsed with most things nowadays, so dragging myself off the settee has been the major factor in the lack of blogging. I do have lots to catch up on however (most of which admittedly I have probably forgotten by now).

Last night we went out on the drink with some of Becky's new work colleagues. We went to one of theres first, and as I'd taken almost a full bottle of Taboo with me (sorry Kathryn, I will have to replace that I guess), I felt it only civil that I down the whole thing before we left for town. Needless to say, the term merry doesn't quite cover it. Man I haven't been that drunk.....well a very long time. It's a good job really 'cos I wasn't in the best of moods to start with (don't really know why), but it cheered me right up.

We ended up going down the scene (not my favourite place of all time, but I can tollerate it) to a karaoke place we know. Thankfully I wasn't quite drunk enough to give in peoples singing requests. Phew. Anyway, as soon as I walk up the stairs I'm sure I see a guy I went to school with. I have no idea what his name is and I don't think we ever had a conversation in the past, so I figured why bother now? Exactly. Don't. It was weird though. Seeing some guy I went to school with in a gay bar by himself, chatting up the older gents. Strangely enough.....that wasn't the only odd thing that night.

We're there for a few more hours and in walks a guy I work with. I'm sure the rumour mill at work will start gringing away again. Will that mill never break down? Needless to say, the oddness didn't end there.

So I'm standing there, swaying and giggling like a schoolgirl when I get a tap on the shoulder. "I'm sure I went the school with you! Is your name Allan?" (although admittedly she probably didn't remember it was two L's in Allan). Turns out it was Sally, a girl I used to go to school with. I was shocked she even remembered my name (I'm shocked when anyone remembers my name to be fair). What shocked me more was that despite the illusionment I had put myself under, I mustn't look that much different than I did at school. Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit. For someone who was picked on because of their looks at school this does not bode well. Wallowing in self pity here I come.......fortunately that didn't really hit me until I started reading this so all in all I had a really good night. It was nice to see Sally again, although I'm sure I was pretty incomprehensible.

Right, I've gotta go to bastard work on a bastard Saturday to do my bastard job. I'll see you later.

.....kill me.

Seeing myself through the mirror

It's dawned on me that I have a kinda Clark Kent/Superman thing going on. Not that I'm making overly elaborate claims to magnificance, it's something obviously more mundane, but still I find it interesting. As always, it's the little things in life that amuse me. You see, in my daily routine I'll get ready, then get washed. At this stage I won't have put my glasses on so when I look in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else must usually see. I see myself as myself, I see an image that appears to be for me alone. How many people can truly say they've seen me without my glasses for any period of time in the past 8/9 years? That's why I find it odd when I catch my reflexion outside of this morning routine. I see what everyone else must (although admittedly reversed in the mirror). I see vast differences in the look of confidence (or lack thereof). I see a bookish, almost mature face, when that morning I saw something completely different. I'm like a cat I guess. I stare in the mirror and see something I can't perceive in myself. A stranger staring back. Odd. Very odd.

This has all made me think (as everything seems to). Maybe when I (eventually) get my eyes checked and some new glasses, I might try contact lenses. True, I can't stand the idea of shoving my fingers in my eyes, but what an opportunity. To the looks on peoples faces when they see in me what I do. That other, yet no less a part of me that seems to have been reserved for me alone. Definately worth a shot.

Friday night on the tiles

Friday was very weird, but in a good way. It was two people's leaving do's at work (secret code for getting drunk) so we went to the Bull up the road. People came and went and it dawned on me that I was surrounded by people, who although I liked, I'd never had a long conversation with. I had the choice of going back to a mates or staying with this mismatched crew, and I'm happy that I stayed. How often do you spend an evening with a brand new set of people and enjoy yourself? Exactly. It's just a shame that you start getting to know people as they're leaving.

Sick to my stomach

Recently I've been feeling sick right before leaving for work. Base of the stomach, move too fast and you'll throw up all over the place sick. But it's never reached the throat. Is it nerves? A warning that I've just had enough? The onset of actual illness? Or something else?

I remember getting these feelings back when I was going to school (boy that' s bad English, blame it on the lack of sleep). Back when I really couldn't stand to be there. Maybe it's my body's way of saying that I need a rest. To get away. Think about something else for a change. Sure, like that's going to happen. I'll probably end up just putting up with it until it goes away or something changes. Oh, I didn't tell you what's happened at work recently did I? Well my job role's changed yet again. Yes I know any change of job role has the likelyhood of temporarity (I don't care if it's not a word), but I had enjoyed this job most of all. To have it taken away just sent me back into the same old slump, not looking forward to going to work, making it a chore to get out of bed, spending a lot of time alone. No doubt something will come along, but what and when remains to be seen. Somehow, unless I get that managers job I doubt it will compare. Same really.

Insomnia is a bastard

If there's one thing I hate above everyone on my extensive list of people I hate, it's insomnia. Yes, that's why I'm blogging at 5:40am. It's like my mind is exhausted but my body just won't let me rest. This is the first time I've had insomnia before a work day so the rest of the day is going to be very interesting. I blame the 3 hours nap I had when I got home.

It's a weird sense of disembodiment I get during a bout of insomnia. This however does not compare the feelings of frustration, anger and the urge to simultaneouly kill anyone I come into contact with as well as myself. I think that's why I hate insomnia most of all, the fact that it really makes killing myself an attractive prospect since it seems the only way out. What else can I do? It's too late to go to sleep now even if I could, I've got to be up and out for work at 7:30. I just know that when I get home I'll be wrecked, but if I go to sleep I'll feel like I'm cheating myself. I work all day so that I can have some time to myself at night. If I just fill that with slepp, well it's not that entertaining....there was a point I was gonna make there but I've already got to the stage where I can't finish thoughts.

It's a shame too 'cos I'd just started to dream again. Not every night, but enough. The one where I was in a school of hot female vampires trying to kill me was pretty cool, although it had my heart racing when I woke up because all I did in it was run from room to room trying not to die. The other morning I had one where I was playing the board game "operation" or something and I made a mistake so the buzzer sounded, only it wasn't the buzzer, it was my alarm clock. I lay there for eleven minutes just listening to my alarm without realising. Weird.

Anyway, guess I'll get some breakfast, maybe slit my wrists, or go to work. Whatever.

Just seen the Transformers movie and...

...I can now die happy. I know it's a term that's thrown around too freely nowadays, but I ACTUALLY mean it. You could hold a gun to my head right now and all I'd be thinking about would be "What if that car behind you could transform? That would be cool." Seriously. Gohan and I accidentally went down to the car park of the cinema and we just stared. Vehicles look different to me now. More.....awe-inspiring. I walked outside and saw the trail from a plane above and just stood there, hoping it would drop a bomb, fire some lasers and transform. I wouldn't give a damn if it landed on me even. As long as I saw it.

I know this all sounds far fetched and that I'm exaggerating. But you've got to see if from my perspective. This is the culmination of my childhood all wrapped into an adult shaped body. My dreams come to life, yet at the same time it's put a taint on reality. I can't help but think about how much it sucks just to be a human and not a giant robot.....I wish I knew robotics.

The film itself was amazing (spoilers ahead). The effects were out of this world, the little things made it. A hidden Decepticon symbol here, an unexpected profanity there, a bit of giant robot slapstick. I was really worried about the whole ideal they'd planned about revolving the story around humans, but it worked amazingly. For Gods sake, they only had three transformers for the first hour or so.

One criticism I have however (and you know how easy it is for me to pick faults at anything), is that once the Transformers got into a hand to hand scrap you could barely tell them apart. Their designs are so bizarre yet similar they seem to merge somewhat. But when you put that side by side with the slow motion firefight with Ironhide, or Starscream transforming for the first time, it pails into insignificance.

Oh, and the voices are spot on. I was disappointed that Frank Welker (the original voice of Megatron) wasn't involved, but it works (and at least he's voicing Megatron in the game). Starscreams voice is, wow. That reminds me, apparently the game is a big steaming pile....but you know me. I don't think I'll be able to resist...and talking about not being able to resist.....I think I need to buy all the toys. I don't think, I know I'll have to. Damnit, I'm never gonna get my room done out at this rate haha.

A trailer before the film was for an untitled project (see it at http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/11808/), which looks interesting. Godzilla maybe?

Also, Will Smith's latest looks really good. It's called 'I am Legend'. Have a look at the trailer:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/iamlegend/

Oh, and Simpsons is a big pile of shit. I wish I'd watched that before Transformers and not the other way round, but what you gonna do?

Monk Hunt over???

No one bothers to do a drum roll when you ask them, so I'm not going to bother and I'll just come out with it.

THE MONK IS ALIVE!!!!

He's texted me, and in typical Monk'y fashion is avoiding the subject of what he's doing at the minute. As much as I'm overjoyed to hear from him, I was looking forward to the hunt. Maybe we can still do it. We could even invite him along to put posters up.

Next thing on the list, actually trying to physically see him in case it's all a dream.

Work developments

Work's gotten very weird, but in a good way. In the past three weeks or so I've managed to change roles 7 times. That's right, seven. But each time I've remained a standard agent. Let me think. I went from phone agent, to Quality monitor, to shadowing my manager, to running systems training for a thing we use, to the Duty desk which is kinda the operational hub, to being the Gatekeeper (and I do like that phrase), then to doing the Duty desk and being the Gatekeeper at the same time. My head's pounding at the end of every day, but I'm sure that'll pass and it's all really good experience. Looks like I'm finally beginning to be able to get somewhere.

There's a managers job coming up soon, but I don't think I'm gonna go for it. It's too soon since the last one I went for and I don't think I've gotten enough experience in the areas I've been lacking in order to be successful. So, instead of looking like a chump (again), I'll probably just sit this one out and wait until next time (although God knows when that'll be).

MaL Monk Hunt 2007 update

We've had a slow, but good start so far. We've got things in the work at the moment. I just thought I'd let you know that we've added a new stage to the Monk-a-Licious Monk Hunt 2007. Stage 3 is now asking a ninja where the Monk is. For those of you who don't know what I mean, check this website out:

http://www.askaninja.com/

Fingers crossed he'll answer :)

Monk has evaporated

HEY MONK!!! I know you're out there. I know you check the blog occassionally.

*Does the 'I'm watching you' motion*

Just to get everyone up to speed, here's "what's happening", the 411, or whatever you want to call it. I was right. Despite his futile lies, the Monk hasn't kept in touch. Not even on scheduled meetings. He won't answer the phone (but then that's nothing new), and to be honest, people are getting worried. That's right Monk, we do care, even if we're not classed as your "real" friends. I've tried ringing, I've tried texting (and if declaring Johnsons' love for you isn't going to help then nothing is), so what can you do?

...I'll tell you what we can do....and yes, I've thought about it far too much. Here's my itinerary:

1. Post a blog on myspace asking people to slag off the Monk in order to bring about the "tight lipped anger" state and bring him out of seclusion. Three responses to that so far in a day. Not bad, but we can do better people!

2. This is the stage we're at now. I'm posting this message here, not only as an update, but as a declaration of intent. I know Monk won't do anything the easy or obvious way, so I'm going to have to play up to his sense of dramaticism and mystery (does he in fact live alone?). As a side note, please feel free to post your comments of support here, and slag him off on myspace. The ying to this yang.

3. You didn't think I'd stop there? You know I'm too bull headed for that. Three is one of my favourites. We're going to set up an only petition to try and show how much we want Monkle back. Once that's in place we're going to create a youtube video asking people to keep an eye out for him and report any sightings. Especially round about the Greggs on Northumberland street.

4. Yep, still going. People want me to skip straight to this one, but that would be too easy. We know roughly where he lives (within a few miles or so, unless that was an elaborate lie), so we're going to canvas the area with posters asking if you've seen our lost Monk. Don't worry I'll find the most embarrasing photo I can.

5.........I'm hoping 4 works, otherwise I'm going to have to think of a 5. But in the mean time I'll be looking for volunteers to post the fliers when the time arises, and anything else you think you can contribute. Hell, we could have a canned food drive or something.


So there you have it. My plan of attack as it were, and you can stop it Monk. At any time. All you have to do is contact me or pick up the damn phone. From here on in I'll be making one phone call attempt before each stage, just to give you the chance.

Who said I wasn't fair?

Oh, and I almost forgot. For such an event we need a name. That name?

The Monk-a-Licious Monk Hunt 2007!

Now that's MaLTTM

The field of ant war

I don't much feel like it, but I promised you news about insects. I knew I should have done this the other way around.

Yesterday I got one of those ant landmine looking things. I'm not wanting to go into too much detail (mainly because I fear they're reading this), but it's filled with poison that they take back to the nest and kill their families with it. Forced regicide. Awesome.

.....although they're not seeming to take the bate. Maybe they're on to us. Maybe they just found better tasting food to take home. THIS ISN'T OVER!!!!

Depression

I think I've had/have depression. Yes, I know. Yay he's finally posted, and what a riproaring hoot this looks like it's going to be. I promise I'll talk about my fight against insects in a little while, Boy's brigades honour. That's right, I was in Boy's brigade, but I'm not religious, ooh what a hypocrite. Anyway, I digress.

Having never had depression before (at least as far as I know), I'm not entirely sure that I've correctly diagnosed myself. It feels like I have. Basically (although who am I kidding? When do I do anything basically?), a few weeks back I woke up one day and realised my world wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but nothing seemed to gel together. What I was doing, where I was, where I thought I would be, nothing seemed to make sense. I wasn't happy with where my life was going (and lets face it, we all know you can never predict where my life is going). I seemed to be just existing, and that wasn't good enough. I felt like I needed to do something about it, but I had no idea what. It felt like I was wasting time by just staying the course my life was on.

I felt like I was losing touch. Not just with myself, but with everyone else. It felt like I hadn't seen most of my friends for an age, and it's more than likely true. Because of this, I felt hollow, less of a person.

It got to the point that it took my a couple of hours to get out of bed, no matter what time of day I was starting work, just to force myself up. I dreaded the thought of going anywhere and doing anything (which of course is counterproductive to the whole 'losing touch' thing).

I knew something had to be done, but what? What worked for me in the past? Not having anything this severe to base my theories on I was stumped for a while. Even being bullied constantly as a child I hadn't felt this low (of course back then I just substituted any possible sadness with wild, hate filled rage, most of which is still buried in a shallow grave, waiting for hte soil to be disturbed).

Then one day it just clicked. I'd stopped doing my weights, mainly (I'd convinced myself) because fo the crazy shifts I'd been working. I'd forgotten about the weird joy they'd brought me. So I started again, and I instantly felt better about myself. Along with this sudden pleasure I'd rediscovered when improving my physical image, my mental self felt better. I rationalised my life. I came to the conclusion that things could be much worse than they are. I've got a roof over my head. I like my home (dispite the obvious illogical, but well chosen choice to stay here). I love my friends and family. I have my health, and......you'd think that would be enough. Call me selfish, but so is the world. We as a species strive for more than we have. That's how we evolve and move on. How we progress. So yeah, life is good, but it could always be better. It's this thought right now that dominates my mind. I do want my life to be better, and it will be better or I'll die trying.

Still, it somtimes comes back. That sadness.

I definately need to do my weights more regularly.

Staying put

Well it's official. We're not moving out of the flat now, we've signed the lease for another 12 months. I know I know. Everyone that's ever been here has had the same look on their face. It's a shit hole. You're getting done. You can get better places for less money. We know all this. In fact, when the decision was thrust upon me, I made a pro and con list. The pro list for moving out was huge and I'm sure I didn't get it finished. There were only two things on con side of moving out. The first I can't remember, I think it was the fact that the new place didn't have a tree. The second however was that this place is home. It may indeed be a dive, but it's our dive.

As a little pick me up on losing out on having the big room (and lets face it, Mumbles would never let go of the one he's in now), I'm going to convert the spare room into a second room. It's about time we did something with it. I never go in there because it still feels like Spicy's room in a weird way. But, I've been paying for that room just to have it there, so I may aswell use it. I'm gonna strip it out, remove the cupboard and draws, get a comfy chair, maybe a sofa (or convert the bed into one), maybe put a rug down. It's gonna be a study/games/weights room since I don't have room for all that stuff in mine. I'm looking forward to it. Gotta figure out where to get a chair...hmmmm. And then there's the decision of either a comfy armchair or a rocking chair??

Monk's escape plan

As of last tuesday (12/6/07), Monk was fired from work. Now I know we all joke on and make fun of each other, and Monk does give out as much as he gets, but I do feel sorry for him. Sure it was his own damn fault, but still. The place won't be the same without him. There's nothing quite like a whitty (or is that witty?) bit of banter to get you through the day. Who's going to come up with obscure theories about magicians doing card tricks in space? Or the highest court in the land being a space station, and the complexities of transporting balsa wood up there for the traditional paneled walls? Or the shear lazyness of not wanting to leave the house taken to such an extreme that he'd put it on stilts and carry it round? Most people give me the look you've got on your face now when I try to start such conversations. Not Monk though. He'd jump in head first (and truth be told, he'd have started half of them anyway).

Now I know he's part hermit, part enigma (the mystery continues), and no one knows for sure whether he does in fact live with his parents (mainly because he refuses to let anyone go to his house), but I do hope he stays in touch. Sure I may make him out to look like a complete nut job (so much so that my Dad refused to speak to him on the phone since the only Monk experience he had was by reading the blog), but he's a good friend, whether he likes to admit it or not.

1 year today (almost)

Can't believe I missed this. It's been a year and 3 days since I started the blog. Wow. Only a year? 346 posts, most of them complete instanity and the drivel of a madman. Sure this thing has caused me no end of trouble, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It's made life interesting, it used to help me get things off my chest, it gave us something to talk about at work, it just generally helped me to express myself. God knows what state I'd be in right now if I hadn't had this, and considering the state I am in, that's saying a lot haha.

On the very first day I posted the following about the nature of blogs:

"Is it a personal desire to know other people better, or is it a yearning to know yourself that drives you to read (or indeed write) these things? Do you search for a kindred spirit? Do you search to make yourself feel sane in an insane world? Or just to make yourself feel superior?"

Okay, so upon review I can safely say that the last three are out the window (at least at this stage), but the first two have worked. By judging peoples reactions to what I've written, I have gotten to know something about them, and indeed myself. I've also gotten to know my subconscious hidden side, and hate him.

Just flicking through there are some funny and good memories. The whole thing with the sombrero's. The "Unfortunates" fiasco. Slagging off my neighbours cat. Haha, I'd forgotten all about Suspicious looking shrubbery. Moving into the flat. That voodoo doll. The folding bus ticket club. The flat warming. Spicy tearing his foot open and the hospital visit. Artichoke!!!! The list goes on and on, and if I continue to look through it I'm gonna be late for work.

Good time. Bad times. Happy 1 year blogiversary.

2nd bit of new flat news

I don't think I told you did I? No, I didn't. The greatest news (and yes, I realise that I may not be able to emphasise the extreme joy I relish in this at the current time, but I'll do my damndest), in the new flat I have the big room!!!! Mumble's wanted to go with random chance to choose again. Stuff that. It's my turn now!

MUWHAHAHAHA

Hours from hell

TM< ARJdfgs dhtjsertl slezb\dsfgzdg

ARRRGGGHHH.

I'm not happy. So much so in fact that when I just mashed the keyboard up there it changed my internet explorer settings and then put my PC into standby mode. Now that's angry.

But all joking aside, WHAT THE FUCKING HELL??????????????????????????????????? Yeah I know, all my moans in life seem to revolve around work? Well, when you're working these hours there's not any time for anything else.....and that's due to get much worse. Ta'fricken'Da, we're now open 'til 11pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to fucking walk home. I don't want to finish at a time that allows me to do exactly nothing when I'm finished. bv nv gfcn ghb (mashing the keyboard lightly incase I knack my computer again).bv cgkln

The end of the flat is nigh

The other week we saw our very first flat in the new attempt to find a new place (too many 'new' there I know, but I can't be bothered to change it). The first place we saw we decided 'Yep, that's where we're gonna live'. The next day we put our deposit dooda down and we're moving in sometime between July 1st and July 7th. We need to organise details more, but of course this means one thing, HOUSE COOLING PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm fairly sure I've just made that phrase up, but if you have a housewarming when you move in, logic dictates.....exactly. I need to figure out when though. I'm thinking either Friday 29th June or Saturday 30th June. It can't be the next week 'cos we need to have moved by the next day.

So, please all do come and say goodbye to the flat (of course I can't use the official name given by the people at work after the first party, although I do love that name). It'll be your last chance (unless of course we grow so homesick and move back in and damn the expense).

I'll let you know about an exact date as and when I have it, but any input would be appreciated.

Ant revolution

Did I say it had been too quiet or did I say it had been too quiet? Monday we discovered that the war has began officially. The primary wave appears to be a large army of ants that have burst in through the living room floor and are attempting to eat all our food. Starving us out ay? Sneaky buggers. We've retaliated so far with hot water, which quenched the swell of ants somewhat, but not enough. We need to find the queen, and to do that we'll have to rip up the floorboards (probably).

............however, I really don't want to lose my security deposit, so I think I'll just wait to see what the next barrage of attacks will be like.

I bet the main wasp swarm is lying in wait for us in the new flat. Did I not tell you about the new flat? Oh well, my bad.

Evolution festival

We went to the Evolution festival on the Quayside today. I really couldn't be bothered, but man am I glad I changed my mind and went. Chromeo and Calvin Harris were great. Chromeo was kind of a strange funk/dance fusion. Weird yet cool.

That Calvin Harris song "Acceptable on the 80's" or whatever got old quick originally, but live it works so well, and so did the other songs they played.

The rest however, were crap so we went home.

I'm sure you really didn't want to know any of this, but I thought I'd just let you know. I did say, way way way at the beginning that I may put reviews on here because I had no idea what I would put on here. But I enjoyed the day so I just thought I'd share.

....and while I'm in the mood, the new Linkin Park album "Minutes to Midnight" is very different from their usual stuff and half of it isn't half bad.....which would make the whole album quarter good wouldn't it?

Careening career

I've had one hell of a dodgy time of late. Had the assessment to become a Product specialist at work, and didn't get through. To be fair it was based on my technical test and I'd only come out of training, so I guess I can't quibble at that one. I did better than the last time I got to that stage, so at least it shows a little progression.

I think this was somewhat easier to take as I had the anticipation of the Managers assessments possibly on the horizon (a job I want so much more). At first I didn't get through the paper sift, then I did. No, I have no idea either. Needless to say I walked into this befuddled. I don't know what happened though, because I must have walked through the whole thing befuddled. There was indeed befuddling afoot. Befuddling aside (mainly because I'm sick of that word now), something just didn't click with those tests and I failed again. No idea how exactly as my feedback still hasn't been given.

There's only ever been one other job that I've wanted this much, and that was as a level designer on the latest Driver game. Probably should have asked for feedback on that one too, but I was too gutted to care.

So where does that leave me know? I'm somewhat (possibly understandably) unhappy, and my job has become a chore once more. The feeling of being stuck in a rut, kicked in the face and shat on has returned, but depending on the feedback, I've probably shat on my own face. Anyway, I know my performance has suffered. I just can't fake empathy anymore and in this job that's an integral part. Maybe it'll come back, but I'm just on auto-pilot at the moment. I really don't want to be there at the moment. Maybe I should have a weeks holiday or something if I can. Clear my head and cheer myself up.

P.S. For future reference, I really do appreciate everyones advice and encouragement that I've received already, I really do. However, can we stop using the phrase "Oh well, at least it's experience for you". It may well be, but it's not been a pleasant experience.

Too angry to blog

BASTARDS!!!!

Bastards bastards bastards. FUCK!!! sg l.nd.lehbrgtliu dsjkfnrlegfuerbnhgl


I am not a happy camper.

It's been a weird week, but more about that when I've calmed down. Tonight I've just finished watching 'Hero', and then I fancied watching Reservoir dogs. So I reach for my Tarantino Box set, AND IT'S EMPTY!!! Some bastard has gone and stolen the DVD's from inside and left the box to avoid suspicion. CUNT!!!

I'm not sure if I've told you this before, but I'm slightly protective about my DVD's. I love those things. My reasoning points at two possibilities.

a) They were taken during the last party, possibly the guy who molested The French DJ, maybe someone borrowed them and didn't tell me. No idea

b) The landlord's let someone in for a viewing and they've swiped it then.

Either way, if I don't get them back within the week (whether someone knows about them, or spotted something come forward quick) I am going to kill whoever took them, assuming I find out at a later date. I don't care who it is. If they took them, they're dead.

Beefcake!!!

Just finished a 40 minute exercise programme. Who'd have thunk it? Me of all people. The time consuming stretching, the burning (yet satisfying) limbs. My shoulders are killing me, but that's a good thing. It means they're finally doing something other than keeping my arms where they should be.

I'm already noticing the effects. I caught myself in the mirror just before, and for the first time in a very long time, I was pleased with what I saw. I probably shouldn't admit that I stood in front of that mirror for longer than I should have. I probably shouldn't admit that I couldn't stop staring. But hell, why not? Admittedly, it's probably me whole be the only one to notice, but that's what this is all about. Building up my self confidence in the one way that I've never been able to try, through improving the preconceptions I have about my body. It doesn't have to be weak and weedy. And neither does my self confidence. Hell, I was rejected for promotion (again) this week (although I did get through the paper sift this time, wooo), but I couldn't really give a damn, because I'm beginning to like myself (that and I want the managers job more).

Hmmmm, I think I've become an adrenaline junky :-/

Enemy spy's afoot

News from the front:

The war goes well. The WP's are everywhere, yet nowhere. Invisible to the untrained eye, yet their influence can be seen for miles. No attacks until last night, maybe because I had my window closed the entire time. A rogue Syrphid fly (pictured) infiltrated HQ, managing to do so because they look almost exactly like Wasps (WP's). Their decoy didn't fool me and we sent him packing. That'll teach them.

Sincerely Warthog

P.S. Thanks for the cookies.