Monk's no Houdini obviously

I must say, I'm sorely disappointed in the lack of support for our poor Monk in his plight. One comment on the rally cry to freedom and that was slagging him off. Can't you see he's going insane....sure that's entertaining and all, but what beasts of burden will he give birth to when he comes back? Last time he and the callback bowl gave rise to the ultimately doomed callback team. Given the added insanity and half a chance imagine what else shall emerge as the fruit of his loins. What horrors he could bring forth into the world....and will that insanity bring him ever closer to his ultimate initiation into the Unfortunates? (I can't believe Mumm-Ra touched me today, I'm still feeling ill from that one).

Have a heart. Otherwise you'll never be able to look at an adult diaper again. That's just not radicool.

The birds and the buses

How is it so much harder to blog after posts like that? Damn them all to hell. Change of subject methinks.

It's quite a common occurrence, but I'm not sure many people have noticed it. Both buses and finch's are unbelievable obnoxious. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with either of them? It's not worth it, trust me.

Pains in the arse.

Should have known

I'm trying to think of a suitable clever phrase to typify the day. I guess I'll have to just go with "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Unfortunately it is rather apt.

Where to begin? I wasn't in quite the same unusually happy mood from the previous morning, however I don't believe that this was a contributing factor. Oh God, I've given it away with that comment haven't I? Oh well, pretend you didn't hear it....in fact you didn't hear it, unless you're reading this out loud of course.

Anyway (is this new papragraph justified? Stuff it), I got into work, said my hello's and even the responses were somewhat less cheary than yesterday. There was no physical way I could get what I needed to do done at work so I decided to help out my fellow agents (as well as try to usurp tiny fractions of power unusually successfully).

After a while I decided to approach her with some typical casual banter. This was not a happy time to be had by all. I did get a response.....but the impressions I got, whew. Do you remember the 80's/90's wrestling tag team called The Legion of Doom (pictured)? One of them died recently I believe and it's as if she had signed up to be the replacement member, made her own shoulder pads out of spiked ice, and invented her very own "Cold shoulder" move. I had to go back to my desk to get a pair of gloves to warm myself up after that one.

Maybe I had been staring at that corner I was talking about through a pair of binoculars by mistake. Not that they're zoomed in a hell of a lot, but I'm not quite where I thought I was. This is why I needed that second test.

Bollocks.

And what exactly is round that corner?

Oh man (or woman), I hate working lates. I got home at 9 and then went out for "a swift pint". Needless to say it's 3:10am and I'm ready to drop dead. If only I was as drunk as I was yesterday to boot. Oh well, you can't have everything.

So, lets recap the day, 'cos I know you're all dying to know. I went to work in a good mood. A good start I'm sure you'll agree. Once there I gave a hearty hello to the duty desk, and all in all I think I received one back. The constant lingering thought's of foreboding were gone. I had a brief conversation with her (extremely brief) as she was leaving and everything was cool. Give it another test run, but I think we can classify this corner well and truly turned.

What else? We went to 'Get your skates on' and tried to get drunk. It worked for some of us, but not for others. I met my little bro, which is always nice. Mumbles tried to peer pressure me into approaching random women, but I'm really not in the mood. My problem is that I can't get incredibly drunk two nights in a row. That and I don't think I'm quite at that stage yet.

Not a bad days work.

Wooooo tipsy

I was going to write something deep and profound, but then I realised that I'm far too pissed for that sort of thing. I'm lucky I can form comprehendable thoughts. I mean, I keep having to correct my lazy hands' mistakes regarding spelling. I'm at that strange stage, which to be honest I'm not sure I've been at before, where I'm thinking in the third person. Now I'm not saying it's as if I'm thinking "The Warthog sat there typing as he splurged his ideas onto the lonely canvas of html script. As he brooded he thought to himself how mundane human existence is.", but it's as if my mind is slightly above and behind my head, like a third person computer game. It's not quite an outer body experience, although it should be, but it's a bit bizarre. Does that give me any excuses as to anything I do or say? We'll have to wait and see. At least I don't think I've done anything incriminating.

This could be it...

I was taking a long and random morning stroll this morning when I noticed there was something different. Not with the outside world...although I had wandered into a rather dodgy looking housing estate in Byker, but internally. I felt that I was thinking differently. I'm not sure how, but it kinda feels like how I used to think, which can only be a good thing. The anticipation of things to come. The general idea of someone to share that walk with seemed appealing, yet not overly necessary. I definetly feel like I've turned a corner....however, the proof is in the pudding and I won't truly find out until tomorrow.

We can but hope

Stormtrooper cleavage

I was watching Star wars A new hope yesterday and it struck me, why do Stormtroopers have breasts in the breastplates? I know without them it wouldn't make literary sense, but think about it. Sure it helps if you have female Stormtroopers, but they're all clones of Jango Fett, which was a guy. Added to that the fact that the endoskeletal bra is so small, close together and high up, it doesn't bare thinking about.

Back to work, crikey

Well, another day another dollar....of course if I was only paid a dollar for a days work I'd be sorely upset. Not only for the financial implications, but for the fact that I'd have to have my currency converted, probably at a price. That being said, I probably did the least amount of work possible today. Not to say I didn't work, but it was almost like not working.

Thats right. My first day back wasn't too stressful and after the first 45 minutes of clock watching it flew by. I was practically in charge too, which is always nice to go back to. Of course it was easier to go back because certain people weren't there, but we'll see how that one goes on Tuesday. I think I may have to go on a bit of a power trip actually. Just for shits and giggles.

I was kinda scaring myself this morning actually. I had spent the previous few days wishing I'd die before I had to go back, then on my way there I felt like skipping. And I did for a few steps. Can you really call a foot fall during skipping a step? That might have to be another one to research. I was also miming along to my iPod, which is rare.

But now I've had a few drinks and the world seems fine. Thank you Mr Jack Daniels.

I really think I've lost it.

Door frames

Selling door frames must be one of the hardest jobs in the world. Think about it a second. You're mainly selling an empty void where the door goes. I suppose, if someone actually is in the market for purchasing a door frame then they really do need it and they'll buy it anyway. Still, how do you market something like that? The market has to be just as big as the door market (from a logical point of view) and you see those advertised far more often. Tell you what, I'll sell you as much empty sky as you want for a grand. Any takers?

This fist shaking lark

I've just realised that I've got a few posts on here that end with me shaking my fist in defiance. Let me explain. I believe this action has forced itself into my life, not by someone standing there and shaking their fist until I start doing it, but through the media of cartoons. I believe I've seen episodes of both King of the Hill and The Simpsons where characters have urged others to shake their fists like an old man after some local kids have just smashed his gnome.

For me the motion has several uses. Usually it's used to damn someone after they've either outwitted me or just plain been cheeky. It can be used towards myself when I've made a mistake, or to God when I think he's taking the piss....just in case he does exist. It can also be used to lord a victory over someone else. No doubt I'll find further uses for it, and damn you if you think I won't *shakes fist at the screen*

There's a pigeon in our puffy

And before your mind goes a wanderin', let me explain. We have a foot rest in the flat (or a puffy, pouffe or whatever you want to call it) and every time you move it you can hear a pigeon trapped inside. I can't seem to find any entrances or exits and I'm damned if I can dicover who's been feeding it to keep it alive. I guess some things you just aren't destined to find out.

The big 150

Well here it is, the 150th post. Bloody hell that's alot for around two and a half months or whatever it's been. I guess it's time for a quote, but I haven't got any to hand. Give me a tick....

Okay, so we already have one on the message board in the flat. It reads:

"If you continue to do what you're doing, where will you be in five years?"

Shorter shorter

I just can't catch a break can I? I did get my hair chopped, but it's like a mini version of what it used to be. Apparently, according to the powers that be, that isn't radical enough. They want an entire style change. I'm terrible when it comes to sitting down and telling a hairdresser what I want in the first place, never mind when I'm told what I want in code before hand and haven't deciphered it properly. Bloody hell.

Peer pressure wins

Well I've gone and did it, I've arranged for an appointment at the hairdressers. I don't really want to go all the way to the Metrocentre, but that'll teach me to book it on the same day. As usual in these situations I'm totally unprepared, so anything could happen. I've been told that this could be an important step regarding my self healing so fingers crossed.

With karate I'll kick your ass

You may not know this, but I used to do Karate (Wado Ryu). I did it at school while I was in 6th form. The problem was that all the other kids doing it were years and wears below me. By now I've gotten used to being the oldest person in a room (okay, so that's a lie), but this was ridiculous. I should have been embarrassed that they were so much younger, yet so much better than me, but they'd been doing it for longer. Still, it's no great boost to the self esteem.

I'm trying to remember why I did it, but all I've got is a guess. I think I felt that I needed more exercise, and it didn't hurt that I'd be able to defend myself at the same time. Learning with younger kids didn't help this either. Maybe if they'd been a bunch of pricks then I'd happily put my all into sparring with them. Unfotunately, they were too nice. It didn't help that there were way more girls either. In your mind you're thinking "Okay, so I've got a fair portion of the torso I just can't hit 'cos that would be socially awkward", and it was.

All that aside I managed to get my yellow and red belts before I left. Not too bad. Atleast I can punch properly now. I keep thinking about taking it up again, but with working shifts it's really not that practical. I'm sure I'll find something else.

Sunday...bloody sunday

Well it looks like I am back at work on Sunday, so Saturday is officially my last day of freedom. I need to fill it with as many happy memories as possible. I really don't want to have to go back. I've had almost two weeks off and there seems no point, besides the money and the people. I've worked too hard and gotten too little, but I'm there now and like everything else I do I guess I've got to see it through.

There's also this thing that occassionally happens where people come back from holiday as completely different people. I don't know if this happens during the holiday or as soon as they get back, but I'm interested to see what happens.

You've no idea how gutted I am though. Besides the obvious reasons for not wanting to go back, it really really gets to me how the main desk told me that I had sunday off, and now this. AAARRRGGHHHH!!!

Reading reading

Kinda forgot how long the blog was there. It's going to take some time to get through this. I'll let you know the results, but so far I can tell I type too fast and need to proof read :P

I have a cunning plan

In order to appease the great deity of relationship councilling, I have prepared my next step. Yesterday I proposed a list of what I need to accomplish. In order to fulfill the following:

• I need to get back to how I was.
• I need to figure out what I used to think about.

I shall read through my blog from the start. This should give me, as it has you, an insight into how my mind was put together way back when.

Not a bad idea methinks.

Superstition supersmichon

Okay, so She who shall not be named has a bit of a weird superstition. She makes me (and indeed everyone else) cover our heads when we walk under signs. Apparently not doing this brings bad luck or death to everyone present. I've been dubious about this one since I heard about it and I've been doing a little research. I can not find any trace of it anywhere, not a mention, no hints, nothing. I'm destined to look a fool everytime I pass under a sign in her presence and I still have no idea why.

I've never seen the point in superstition really. Sure you shouldn't walk under ladders, but that's a health and safety issue above anything else. And yeah, new shoes shouldn't go on a table, neither should old shoes, or indeed any type of shoes 'cos it's just plain unhygienic. Black cats, crossed cutlery, broken mirrors? Why attribute something totally unrelated with these things? Why explain your life away to something you can't prove? Of course that could bring us back to religion...but that's one long ass bag of worms for another time.

A short blog for once

I've been too busy today to think much about the whole mental gardening thing. Maybe I'll have a walk and see what I can do. Maybe prune a few hedges. Why can't life be a series of switchs? I know it is in a way, but they're tricky to reach and boiling hot.

Rules in Heaven?

I'm not a religious person, in any sense of the word. But Spicy got me thinking the other day. Are there rules in heaven? Was the question. Well is there?

Okay, so we're assuming it's the christian afterlife for arguments sake. The theory goes that if you're a good person then you're going to go to heaven when you die. The rules are written down, so there's no argument there. These cover both thought and deed, which is an important point I think.

Once you're there though, I think theres a certain amount of interpretation there. As far as I know, there's nothing there to accurately describe what you'd find. We've got the pearl gates, but then what? I think we can denounce the whole landscape of clouds thing. Surely it's an image that's just there to reinforce the thought that you're up and not down. But then what would it be? Some think that heaven is an environment where you have your greatest wishes granted. If your truely pious person, then this place shall be happy and wonderous. However, does this mean that there's no interaction with other dead people? Are you in your own virtual reality? As human beings are somwhat social beings then this seems unlikely.

This would then take us to the theory that heaven is just one big social club. If you're as good as the bible says you should be then you're sorted. You should get on with everyone and it'll be a ball. These are the only two I can think of at the moment, so lets esplore them deeper.

Within your virtual reality theory, you're alone as far as I can figure. Does this mean that there are no rules? You're not affecting anyone else, so whats the harm? Do the teachings of the bible still hold true here? If so then why weren't the rules for heaven laid out in the bible also? I guess you're told to behave and act in a certain way to appease God, and why shouldn't you when you're in his house? Makes sense. But what are these rules? Are they the same as for Earth? Even if you're alone and interacting with fiction, surely you have to treat it the same way.

With regards to the social club theory, I'm pretty certain that you'd have to abide by the same rules as Earth. You're interacting with others, so why would you treat them differently?

I could be wrong of course. There could be a whole new set of rules. If life is but a series of trials set by God, then what is he preparing us for? Is life a trial run, or just a learning curve so you can adapt to whatever is planned for you?

Is not believing what's going to stop me getting there? Or is it the way I think and act? Is there really somewhere to go after all this?........God knows :P

That old mental sorrow

Okay people, I have work to do. As has been pointed out in abundance. I thought I was past this whole sordid relationship mess, or atleast further than I am. Spending time away from work has been great and I felt good for the first time in ages. This was my first indication that I was "over it".

However, life can be deceiving, and I owe it all to my subconscious. If something's bothering me I can block it out given time. That's pretty easy. Out of sight, out of mind. I started to get the hint that that wasn't working whenever I saw her. I should have paid attention to that revelation this week 'cos I'd managed to fool myself once again. I thought I was fine, but any vague reference to her sent me right back down the slope again. Goddamnit.

According to one website:

"The brain is a three-pound mass containing some 100 billion nerve cells - neurons - thousands of different kinds, each forming more than a thousand synaptic connections with other neurons. In all there may be anywhere between 100 trillion and a quadrillion synapses organized into elaborate networks that account for the brain's vast complexity."

All that and it's got nothing better to do than screw me over. Time for a new tactic methinks. Kathryn reckons that I need to work this through in stages, obviously there's a catch. I have to figure out most of those stages myself. So, I've done a little reading, and although what I found was quite inciteful, it was even more depressing in parts.

There's a lot of "it takes time" types of advice out there. And the old "you'll find love again" routine. Most of it's pretty well written and heartfelt, I'll give it that. The following article: http://www.affirmationsforpositivethinking.com/Articles/circumstances.htm is not that bad. I'm not saying I agree with it whole heartedly you understand. The bit where it says "it's all your fault, admit it" (or words to that effect) is kinda harsh. Although, if I go back far enough I can see that. If I'd never made a move I'd never be in this mess. If I'd not turned up for the date then I wouldn't be in this mess. If I'd never acknowledged her existence I wouldn't be in this mess. I accept those, but there's one point I'd like to make. THEY DON'T HELP ME AT ALL NOW! If I had a time machine, then sure, fine. Unfortunately I don't so it's just tough shit. I've got to deal with the cards dealt, no matter who dealt those cards.

I get that accepting responsibility is a big step for some reason. But what are those reasons? So you don't blame others for what you've rationalised as your own mistakes? So that you can avoid such things in the future? So you can put the world in some sort of perspective because you are in control of your destiny and it's not anyone elses fault? Again, none of this helps me.

So what's the good thing about about this article? There's one section, that I've listed below:

"Think of your mind as garden, you can cultivate it, or you can let it run wild. You can fill it with the weeds of negative thinking, thoughts of lack, limitation and worry. If you don't control your mind and cultivate it with positive thoughts regularly - the weeds of negative thinking will take over and destroy your life - just like weeds can destroy your garden."

That's a nice mental image for me. Of course my mental garden is a complete tip at the minute, but it might be something I can work with. Not that I ever liked gardening mind you. It's just this whole positive thinking lark. I've never been a positive thinker. Expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed. Get the best and be pleasantly surprised. Last time I had some positive thinking....well you can see the fallout of that one. That's why I thought the blocking out system would work. Obviously there are monumental flaws there.

I know people are sitting there thinking, jeez it's been like two weeks, what the hells wrong with you? I see why you're doing that. I really do. But to be brutlly honest, it's probably 'cos I'm not used to feeling anything at all really, never mind that brief flicker of hope and the bucket load of sorrow. Actually I tell a lie, I feel anger quite easily, but other than that, not much.

The other thing stopping me from bouncing back is the fact that I'm not entirely sure who I was before hand. I started to change after moving into the flat, then this happened, now I'm in a kind of limbo.

So what's the next step?

I've tried normal conversation with her. That was a little too one way and I always initiated it. It felt a awkawrd too. Kind of a dead end.

I've tried going out in a social group with her and she blanked me. True I never went over and made the first move, but she never looked in my direction and we all know what happened the last time I made the first move. Another dead end.

I've tried the out of sight out of mind approach, but that only seems to be a temporary fix. That said, it could tide me over until I go back to work I guess....but no, I need something more permanent.

Meeting someone else? I've pretty much lost all interest so I'd have to meet the most perfect woman ever. Chances are slim.

What about working on getting that interest back? Tough one that. Not sure how to execute that one so we'll come back to it another day.

Drink? I've tried that and it didn't last long enough.

Hypnosis? I could have her completely blanked out of my memory. I'm not sure where I'd go for that sort of thing though. Maybe if I check the yellow pages...

I'm drawing a blank here. Maybe the step should be smaller. More of an internal thing. Instead of trying to wipe her from my memory (something for which I can not find a solution to on the net), I'll need to do some internal rejigging. I don't quite see how that's possible though, since you are what you think and how you think it. If I change this then I become a different person. Ture, I have already begun on that path to becoming a different person, but not for the better. I need to backtrack a little.

So what do I need to change inside?

I need to stop thinking about her, full stop.
I need to disassociate seemingly random objects and events with her.
I need something to maintain my interest. However, this could fall into the out of sight category.
I need to get back to how I was. Not thinking about relationships at all maybe the easiest end result.
I need to regain a little optimisim, even if it's in a totally unrelated field.
I need a giant argument with someone. Anyone. Just to relieve some stress.
I need to scream, although 2:30am isn't the right time or place (neither of these are internal, true, but they need to be listed somewhere).
I need to figure out what I used to think about. I have no idea. Maybe that's why I used to have to keep my hands so busy, 'cos there was nothing to think about.

One last thing before I give up and go to bed (or give in and blog about something else). Upon my travels I came across http://www.shwedarling.com/blog/?p=22, which stated:

"Last but not least, remember that life is about living it to the fullest, not making it perfect!"

Balls is it.

'HIC'

Yesterday I was, as happens, struck with a question I just had to find the answer for. What is a Hiccup? Here's a few paraphrased exerts from what I found:

A hiccup or hiccough is an involuntary spasm of the diaphragm. The sudden rush of air into the lungs causes the glottis (the space between the vocal cords) to close, creating the "hic" noise.

By extension, the term "hiccup" is also used to describe a small and unrepeated aberration in an otherwise consistent pattern. The medical term is singultus. The word "hiccup" was in use by 1530. It is an instance of onomatopoeia, the imitation of natural sounds by words. Alternative forms of "hiccups" include "hiccough" and "hickup."

It is reported that 30% of chemotherapy patients suffer singultus as a side effect to treatment.

It is still unclear to scientists exactly why hiccups occur, particularly because it doesn't seem to give us any specific benefit. Some speculation exists that hiccups are a remnant of a bodily function that has been phased out by evolution, such as the move from aquatic gilled creatures to land animals. Ultrasounds have also shown that unborn fetuses experience hiccups. Some suggested hypotheses include hiccups as a possible muscle exercise for the child's respiratory system prior to birth or as a preventive measure to keep amniotic fluid from entering the lungs.

--------------

For me that's all pretty fascinating....what? I get bored easily. Anyway, call me naive, but until I did that research I'd never even heard of a hiccup fetish. The world doesn't quite feel the same now that I know this. I'm going to be weary about where I hiccup and who with. There are even videos and fantasy stories out there about it. Honestly, I didn't research into this too far, but they also have a telephone number you can ring where they record your hiccups to play to people.

Just when you think you've got the world figured out, this happens.

Reverse words...again

That post I made about lazy words the other day keeps popping into my mind. I should have put in some examples. You've got your obvious Dad backwards is Dad, yet you've got fantastically creative reverseified words like God that transforms into Dog. How well thought out is that? Exactly.

Lots and lots of pawn

Am I going crazy or is everyone else? Yes yes I know the obvious answer, but I've got a specific reason for asking the question this time.

I originally used a computer program to teach me how to play chess. This programme taught me that if a pawn has not been moved in a game then you have the choice to either move it one or two spaces forward. This is the same for each pawn. However, everyone I've spoken to so far is adamant that this is not the case, and that this can only be done for the first pawn.

Being a four on one situation I decided to retreat to the internet for some moral support. Low and behold, every web site I came across I found evidence to corroborate my story.

I found around ten examples, yet no one is convinced.

Is the internet in general mocking me?

Nice and tidy

Well the flats clean now, which is nice. I can actually stand to exist here once more. I think we're all now stricken with an overwhelming urge not to let it get that bad again, but you can never predict the future.....although some would argue that fact...and so will I in the future...or will I? I can't predict that.

Inspiration where art thou

I've come to the realisation that just sitting here trying to think of blog entries is no good. Ideas seem forced and sub par. In fact I'm sure I had an idea as I was falling asleep, but it's long gone now. Now that I'm on the subject, lets talk about inspiration....convenient that.

What is the nature of inspiration. By definition I believe it is the formulation of new thoughts formed either through a trigger mechanism or not.

For me inspiration can be an instantaneous thought that has created itself from the ether. These tend to be quite random, yet no less valid. Inspiration can also manifest itself through certain triggers. For example, when someone is talking about wet dog hair, I may start thinking about Kellogs Frosties (at times they do smell exactly the same, I'm sure of it). However, the links me be hidden from me. Someone can talk about burning flags and I'll think about pelicans playing polo against water buffalos. Weird, but it happens...the inspiration thing that is, not necessarily the polo scenario, although you never can be sure.

Is this all just me or do other people work like this?

This all goes, I hope, in someway to explain why sitting here doesn't help me find topics for blogs. Although, it can happen, but lets face it, they aren't as good. I think I need to take a walk and see what pops out at me. Hopefully a mugger with a witty repartee that I can gather some ideas from.

Bomb craters aplently

Another morning, another depressing sight in the living room...although now it's a more apt name. There is enough crap in there for it to be classed as a living entity. If somebody doesn't kill that monstrosity, and they know who they are, I'm going to have to do some random killings myself. Your own flat shouldn't depress you this much. Grrr

My name is....

What is it with people and their own name? Certain people prefer to have one specific variation used towards them, for example an Abigail demanding to be called Abi. Every Kathryn/Kathrine I know are very strict with which variation you use. In fact I think they are the most strict regarding this issue as far as I've encountered.

Of course you've got those that simply can't be shortened without sounding weird. Neil for example. I guess you could use 'N', but again, that's just weird.

Then there's the surname naming scheme. I stopped using that in the most part after leaving school. Even people I'd called by their surname for years I changed to first names.

When it comes to me, I welcome all variations on my name. I'm amused to find out new ones too. So feel free to experiment. In my mind it just shows that you give enough of a damn to think outside the box and add your own spin on things. But then again, there's nothing wrong with just sticking with the classics. It's up to you.

Like ships in the night

One slightly drunken night, I was informed (by Becky) that we were engaged. It's nice to know I had a choice in the matter....although the thought of having doves choreographed by John Woo almost clinched the deal...that guy really knows his doves.

It turns out that Mr Applehead (more on him later) would minister the ceremony until She who shall not be named kills him and takes over. Mumbles would be a flower girl. The bride would be taken down the isle (and there's a big debate there whether she would be pushed or pulled) in the shopping trolley we have in the back yard. Oh, and all this would be done in the kitchen.

Fortunately for my bank account (I can't really afford to lose half of my belongings) I didn't get that drunk that night and managed to slip off into obscurity. Next thing I know it's over 'cos of the whole "trying to find a real girlfriend" thing and Becky moves over to Gohan and then The French DJ. I wonder if they had any say in the matter?

A towel too far

First things first. As is the logical order of the universe. Now I know that the flat looks like every bomber from both sides of world war 2 took a strafing run over it, and for the most part they hit. I can kinda forgive that since Spicy agreed to clean it up today. What's getting to me is the fact that somebody has been using my towels!!! What's more is that they just left them lying and didn't wash them. Show some fricken consideration will you?

Jeez

Back to the wooden foldaway

Well I'm back in my own chair and the random thoughts that came so easily yesterday have slipped away into obscurity. Maybe it's the fact that it's 2:04 am, maybe it's the thought that I'm just too tired to accept inspiration at the minute. I guess we'll never know, but since I have all week off there will no doubt be a bundle of bouncing balls of blogishness to come.

I've been working on my story over the weekend. It's coming along nicely, but it needs to be retooled a little. Definietely worth finishing though, and this week is the perfect week in which to do it.

...I feel like I'm forgetting something.....oh well. No doubt it'll come back to me.

Probably at the least considerate time. We'll see.

Flip reverse it

Is it just me that's noticed this, or are words spelled the same backwards as they are forwards just lazy? They can't even be bothered to think up new pronunciations or anything. Tut tut tut

Skull for sale?

I know this may be a strange request, but does anyone know where I can get a ram skull from? Other than beheading one myself? If not then a sheep will do. Or even something resembling either.

If you must know, it's all for my Halloween costume. I'm definitely going all out this year :)

Life phrases

I just finished watching Batman Begins for a third time, and it's finally growing on me. Never thought I'd see the day.

Anyway, to the point. There was a great line in there that works for everyone (although slightly paraphrased):

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

That might be worthy of being put on the message board in the kitchen

Changing chairs

It's amazing what sitting in a different chair can do. My mind seems to focus on different things when blogging in different chairs. Today's posts have all been done from my Dad's PC chair, and I think you'll agree that today's offerings have been a little different than recent posts. I'm going to have to experiment with this anomaly in the future. Weird.

The saucy part of life

Okay okay. It's time I addressed the sauce issue. Now I'm not a fan of sauces. Never have been, probably never will be. If you can't handle that then we've got a problem, and we can take it outside if you want. After school in the parking lot, alone. No chewing gum in the hair or I'm telling miss.

People constantly go on at me about how plain my burgers must be, or how sick in the head I am for appreciating the raw unrefined taste of what I'm eating...or words to that effect. It's the same with being left handed. People always make that weird "uuurgh" sound when they see you write and make some sort of statement like "Why don't you write with the proper hand". Okay so I'm a minority in those two stakes. Deal with it.

With that in mind, there are some sauces that do get past the censor. Barbeque sauce is good in moderation. If you class gravy as a sauce then that's definitely up there with the greats....although admittedly that's only two so it has to be "up there".

Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

I've never understood people who use the phrase "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy". Obviously you're enemies aren't that bad a bunch of people, or the reason that they are your worst enemy is a little flawed. That or you just can't follow a vendetta through.

When it comes down to it, if you're my enemy I wish you so much more than dead. There is literally nothing I wouldn't have done to you for just being a member of that group of anti-me people. The only difference between the standard enemies and my worst enemie(s) are that I'd take so much more pleasure in it.

For me, there's no point in having enemies if you don't want them to suffer. Surely the can be re-classed as lower grade acquaintances or something.

Who wants to live forever?

It's something I've often pondered. Could I handle being immortal. To see all those around you grow old and die. To be able to do whatever you want and not suffer the consequences. Of course that brings us to the point of definitions. Does being immortal mean that you're invulnerable also? Or would you survive in seperate pieces if you were decapitated for example? It would definitely be a bonus being invulnerable, but until you cut a piece of you off you'd never know. Personally I'd wait until some horrific accident before finding that one out.

What if you were imprisoned. Could you survive an eternity in a cell? Surely you'd go mad. I guess you could spend a few hundred years beefing up to the point that you could break down walls with a flick of the wrist....then again I've never tried it so I don't know.

No one likes the thought of their own death (or atleast not many do), and it's something that used to trouble me as a child. Trust me, it's not an easy thought to try and get to sleep thinking about. Eventually I just stopped thinking about it and got on with my life. If you spend the entire time worrying about the end, you're going to miss the gooey choclatey centre, so what's the point? I could have saved myself many a restless night if I were immortal, and who's to say I'm not? I haven't died yet. Who's to say any of us aren't?

Of course I'm not recommending that you thrown yourself in front of a train to prove or disprove my theory....that is unless you're on my hate list. But even if you are, think twice, 'cos whenever I get a train, some fool winds up throwing themselves infront of it and if you survive you're in for one hell of a pissed off beating.

So in conclusion, I have no idea if I want to live forever. I'll only really be able to find the answer for that one once I'm dead...and obviously it'll be a bit too late then.

Music manipulation

Is there one song that, no matter what's going on in your head, forces you to relax and dance inside your head? Please don't say I'm the only one.

For me it's Around the World by Daft Punk. I have no idea why, but as soon as it comes on I can feel my inner me jumping an jiving like a badass beatboy. Or whatever the kids are calling them these days. It especially helps when walking on my way to work....combine it with the video of the Monk duct taped to a wheelchair and I'm sorted.

Midget stand off

In what could possibly be the greatest triple threat matchup of all time, who would win in a fight between Snarf (from Thundercats), Orko (from He-Man) and Gwildor (from the Masters of the Universe film)?

I wouldn't be thrown off by the fact that Orko and Gwildor are from He-Man related media, I'd hate Gwildor if I were Orko. Wouldn't you if after years of striving to be the best inept wizard there is, up comes a dwarf with a magic key to replace you in the live action version of something you helped mould and create.

We all hate you Gwildor. Die! Die! Die!

....but then again I never really like Snarf or Orko either....but Gwildor really grinds my gears. However, it's not a popularity contest. Snarf is the only one with any agility and a moderate amount of cunning. Orko, whilst nippy, doesn't have any real force behind him, other than throwing a lucky spell now and again. Gwildor.....grumble grumble, he takes about half an hour of playing with his cosmic key before he can do anything, so I think he's out of the fight hands down.....but you never can tell.

Thanks to the readers

I just thought I'd put a big thank you to everyone that's been reading the blog. Even the secret people who haven't made their presence known. It would have gotten pretty boring if I'd known I was just talking to myself....although whether that would have stopped me or not is a different matter.

You're support has been fantastic, and I'm just sorry that reading this of late has been somewhat depressing. That can't be helped though as this is my main form of emotional outlet and I guess we're just all going to have to deal with it :P

I must admit, I was a little nervous about giving my Dad the link to the blog, but it couldn't have worked out better. He called me the other day and said I should either publish it or do stand up. I can't imagine getting away with doing either, but I really appreciate the praise.

Sick day 3 and 4

Yesterday I tried drinking again and it was indeed a bad idea. Soon after, the pain came back. I need to drain my system a bit more and take it easy, otherwise things could get very dodgy.

My Mam phoned today and I think I'm going to spend a few days at home. I still love the fact that my Dad sent me a text saying "I was going to ask how things were, then I read your blog so now I know." I knew the blog would be a great time saving device.

Mumbles reckons that the constant need for sleep is depression, but as I've never suffered from it before I have no idea. I think I'm just really really tired. We'll see I guess.

Mental landscaping

The frailty of the human mind is a quantifiable variable. However, this is all dependent upon perspective is it not?

Can the insane accurately judge their own, or indeed other peoples sanity?

If we're all different, who's to say that the tests are fair? If everyone was completely sane, then life would just be boring.

I've been told I should go to a shrink before, but can these non-professional people accurately diagnose that need? To be honest, I'm happy with my mental playground. It is what defines us all and to change that would be like admitting that you are less than you should be.

Artichoke failure

I'm sorely dissapointed in myself. Every Wednesday since announcing it, I've forgotten to do the Artichoke test at either 10am or 10pm. Now I know you've been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for it.

In other Artichoke news. I've tried the phrase twice this week and both have been shouted down. The Artichoke is a non-negotiable phrase and whether the situation calls for it is not up for debate. All I ask for is a simple topic change, jeez.

Hair cut?

I can't believe that I'm actually considering having my hair cut again. Ever since the shave people have been hounding and hounding me. Obviously that's no reason to do it, but it's worth a thought. A bit of sould cleansing, or so I'm told.

We'll see.

Kevin Smith's in Edinburgh

Due to monetary constraints I've turned down tickets to see the second showing of Clerks 2 and a Q and A with Kevin Smith (one of my favourite directors). Of course I'm completely gutted, but it's too late to do anything about it now. I don't even know what I'd ask. A friend of mine from University (lets call him Lamtron) is going however and said that if I can think of a question he would try and ask it. I need to put my thinking cap on....

Do I go with the sensible approach and ask an arty, plot driven and historic question? Do I ask a funny question like one of the many asked in Mallrats? Or shall I just wait for inspiration? Baring in mind I really should have it prepared for today I better get thinking.

I almost forgot, Lamtron said he'd try and get the great Mr Smith to give me a call. How cool would that be? I'll have to figure out how to record stuff on my phone.

Reverting to my old ways

I've got a terrible feeling that I'm turning into the old me. The shy, quiet, sit an a corner and rock backward and forward while no one notices me. The signs are there. I need something to take me out of this slump, but I have no idea what that could be.

Life was so much simpler then. I didn't have to think about relationships or hidden meanings in what people said. I just had to think about what I was doing now and what I should be doing. It's such a carefree way to live, but there was always a feeling that there was something missing. By their very nature, humans are generally social creatures. Solitude tends to do weird things to them. I'm probably proof of that. Maybe that's why my devious subconscious decided to mix things up a bit in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I'm glad it did. But it could have warned me of the consequences. As I said before, it's a swine.

So, any suggestions for anti-slumping me would be greatly appreciated...and yes I'm talking to you Mr Subconscious too. Don't think you can get away with doing this to me and getting away with it *Shakes fist in defiance*

Yes or No? Take a chance

Random chance hates me, pure and simple. One of my A-Levels was General Studies, and every test for that was multiple choice. It was here that I discovered Random chance's deep rooted hatred for me. I'm absolutely terrible at multiple choice. Even when She who shall not be named tested me on it, Random chance blatantly won until it got exhausted and gave up.

It's not just with exams and tests either. If I have a choice of yes or no in life I'll choose the wrong one. Do I buy a new pair of trainers? If I choose no it'll rain and my old ones will fall apart. If I choose yes then some sort of crippling financial scandal will unfurl. Even going back to my recent relationship goings on. I got a phone call and she asked "Are you looking for a relationship?". Any guy in their right mind would think the obvious answer would be yes. To be honest, that would have been my answer either way....and the result just goes to show how poor my chances are when Mr Random gets involved.

Also, keep an eye out for his little brother Brandon Chance. He's like the dorky little look out that will kick you in the ribs once his brothers had his way. Damn you boy!

Losing the beard

Don't get me wrong, I know where it is...or atleast I know where it went. That's right, the beard is off down to toilet town and my chin can see daylight once more. It never ceases to fascinate me when I shave. I always get the weirdest looks of shock and amazement. It's like people forget what you look like a month or so down the line. The best ones are the ones that recognise you, but can't quite place what's different. The look of puzzlement and relief, genius.

Why do I do things this way? I tell myself that it's lazyness. It's such a chore to hack at your face with a razor and hope for the best. Maybe that is the truth. Maybe I could be hiding behind the mask. Maybe I'm just preparing for the responses mentioned in the above paragraph. I learned long ago not to try and second guess my subconscious. That guy's a sneaky old fox and as unpredictable as a shopping trolley with four wonky wheels. You never know what he has planned until it's too late.

So, yeah, roll up, roll up. Get a butchers at the face while you still can, tickets are available at the box office.

Godzilla's back

He seems to have no end of trouble with that brass band. This time it was mid-afternoon and the trombone player was having none of it. This morning I heard a constant high pitched whine that seemed to last an eternity. Maybe it was one of Mothra's spawn powering up, maybe it was a weird rubbish truck, I guess I'll never know. All I do know is that I'm glad this isn't downtown Tokyo.

Sick day 2

Yes yes, I know it's the most uninspiring of titles, but it fits. Today I did try to go in to work, but I ended up feeling worse than I had the previous day. I promptly had them send me home. It was far too early and I think I'll stay off tomorrow just to be safe. I really don't want to be messing with my stomach, for it has lay down some righteous vengeance upon me in the past.

Talking of which, and just in case, I decided to stay off the drink for a bit. I haven't touched a drop since Monday, and on Monday I touched a hell of a lot more than a drop. We'll see what happens

Mumbles is even late in dreams

I had a crazy dream last night that Mumbles was going to be late for work (again), but it didn't help that he was still drunk from the night before. Imagine chasing a drunken Mumbles round a house you've never seen before, with "Velma" for some reason, trying to get him ready for work. Then the big boss comes storming down the corridor and I have no idea what happened next. All I have to say is that it better had be a dream!

Sick day 1

Today is the first day I've phoned in sick since I started work in January. I woke up with a dodgy stomach and had a general sense of lethargy. I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep since moving in almost five weeks ago and the lie in I had this morning hit the spot. I'm just going to get something to eat, then rest up for the rest of the day.

The morning after...

Haha, I remembered blogging last night, but I had no idea what about until just now. In my drunken stupour I did forget to mention that a bouncer was hanging round The French DJ's face off. He looked like he was getting ready for trouble, but a few minutes into it he dived in and started doing the worm. Kick ass.

As awkward as I felt yesterday at work was, it was ten times as worse last night. What the hell was I thinking? I guess it's only human nature to test your limits, but come on. She never looked in my direction and I was damned if I was going to make the first move (for the keen eyed of you, you'll remember that me making the first move is what started this mess).

It wasn't until waking up in a sleepy daze this morning before I possibly figured it out. She had asked specifically if I would turn up with the others, which I saw as a nice goodwill gesture. However, it may all have been part of the same dubious plan. By blanking me she was making a point, the point that I should get over it because there was no longer anything there. If she treats me like shit then I lose intrest. Logical, no? Obvious now that I'm sober? Yes.

The Monk's only escape other than death

We've all picked on the Monk a little too much recently, and I do feel sorry for him since he's been forced back onto National Rail Enquiries. On the plus side we do get rid of Mumm-Ra, but it's no substitute. As a result he is trying to have himself freed from his 5 weeks captivity. I've already discussed this with my manager, and it's a no go, but I would love to see the Monk freed from his hell. As an added incentive booster he has prepared the followwing catchphrases:

"Free the *censored* three! Frome *censored2*!"

"Don't cause them* unneccessary pain, keep them on the same campaign**"
* The *censored* Three
** i.e. *censored*

"Save yourself superflous administration, return them to *censored* without hesitation"

Drubjen blloblahg

Slight change of plan here. And I apologise if anything's spelled weird as I'm as pissed as a fart, although admittedly I have no idea how pissed a fart actually is. I haven't done fully justified quantific tests with data to support my theory. But I am well gone.

The French DJ is a great guy, and even though we have no money, we went and celebrated his birthday nontheless. I foolishly decided to down his double gin and tonic, and by then I was too far gone. The night continued in a similar vain, excuse me while I try to punch a fly. Ah, it's gone now. I drank quickly and heavily as the one who spurned me (who I welcome pseudonyms for btw) was there and Danni-ing me (i.e. ignoring my presence). Long story, but it's She who shall not be named's fault. Basically it means ignoring my existence.

One absolutley amazing thing did come out of tonight though, I managed to talk The French DJ into having a dance off with a random guy (who smoked him unfortunately). I'd love to be able to dance like the French one, but the other guy was better. He was breakdancing the night away, until one random guy decided to throw his ore in. He began with a headstand, which abruptly ended with him almost breaking his neck and possibly falling unconcisous. I still can't believe I got a guy knocked out in the 3rd person. How mint is that?

On a slightly more worrying note, I have started to try and talk people into hitting me again. I don't know if it wa my bro's girlfriend who rekindled the need for violence, or just the situation in which I find myself, but here I am trying to force people to hit me. I did get to the stage where I was tempted to start on bouncers, but that's a bit of a slippery slope.

Putting the theory to test

I knew there was a reason I didn't want to test the "I'm fine theory". Everything was indeed fine, that was until an hour or two later when I saw her for the first time. It's a lot easier to block out an abstract mental process like love (or whatever this is, I'm not really one to throw around such damning labels), but the physical here and now is another kettle of fish....but lets not get back to the fish related metaphors. Out of sight, out of mind.

Things are getting better though, as everyone said they would. Although I'm not sure better is the word, more bareable maybe. Which reminds me, I've noticed a gradual change in my taste in music. I've started listening to a lot more metally rock than I used to. The music of the emotionless. Well, atleast I'm not listening to country and western and crying myself to sleep.

This is why they say you shouldn't date people you work with. Of course this is a great example of catch 22 in action. Basically, for those of you who don't know, catch 22 is a situation that is impossible to overcome. For example, in the original book of the same name, the doctor reveals that you need to be declared medically insane in order to be grounded in this particular branch of the US airforce during WWII. The catch was that you had to inform the doctor that you felt that you qualified for this, and someone who can diagnose their own insanity must be sane enough to carry on flying. Of course this means that no one can leave.

How does this all fit in with me? Well, you shouldn't date people from work in case what happens to you happened to me, or so the theory goes. However, if you work a 40 hour week you spend all day with these people and it's so much easier to try and develop a relationship. You get to do the ground work first and gain a peek into their inner workings before you make your move. That's what always put me off going out "On the pull", it's pot luck and I have no luck with multiple choice. The problem is, if things do go badly with your workplace relationship, atleast one of you will feel like your both trapped in an inescapable box of awkwardness.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying workplace relationships will all end like mine. Some, I have no doubt, will last 'til the end of time.

Of course there's always the friend of a friend route, but that hasn't worked so far.

Tomorrow's a different day....of course it may not be any better, but you can always hope.

Godzilla lives down my street

Saturday I was woken up by a noise that can only be described as Godzilla being anally raped by a tuba. Imagine that classic roar (although slightly anxious) merged with a slight trumpetting and you're there. Just as it ended, Spicy entered the flat singing 'Girls Girls Girls'. As he left a few moments later I began to doze off again....only to be reawoken by Godzilla messing around with the brass band again. Who'd be me?

Getting over it

Hey ho loyal readers (and a good day to those not so loyal). I've turned a corner and I am well on my way to mental recovery. Sure my mind still darts back to flashes of thoughts about the girl and the whole relationship thing seems pointless but other than that I'm fine. I don't really want to go to work tomorrow to test this whole "I'm fine" theory, but there's nothing I can do about it really. We'll see how it goes.

In other news it was my little bro's 21st on Saturday so happy birthday, thanks for the party. A big thanks goes out to his girlfriend too for catching me unawares as she punched me in the face. It's much appreciative (and I'm glad I didn't lose any teeth).

In further news, we went to Tynemouth market today. I got myself a M.A.S.K figure (and was a little done over really 'cos they gave me the wrong dude to go with it and there was a bit missing, but it's cool either way). It was me, She who shall not be named, Sofa, Mumbles, The Elven warrior and Kathryn (plus the three kids). I think we all had a really nice day, dispite the weather and you can't help but smile at those kids. Bless.

And I just want to apologise to Kathryn (and you know how rare an apology is) for not mentioning you more on the blog, as I know you're a bit miffed. It wasn't on purpose, honest :P

I just want to end this one on a cheery note. Thank you to everyone who was there for me after the recent "events" (especially, and in no particular order before you get on at me, Kathryn (see, you got mentioned yet again), She who shall not be named and the residents of the mighty flat). I don't know what I would have done without you. It means a lot to me that I have such good friends.

Kick me in the face, 'cos it would feel nicer

Have you ever desperately wanted to talk about something and that slight wave of hesitation is all it took to stop you? That's what my life feels like now. Sure life doesn't always go how you expect it to, I can accept that. It doesn't make it any easier to handle. Sure I went out on a date with this gorgeous, intelligent woman, and sure things went amazingly well, but as I said, some things just don't go how you expect them to.

After reading that I almost convinced myself that everything was okay. But everything went and flipped on it's head, as most things often seem to do. Apparently we both had a great time, but apparently that isn't enough. If she can't mentally enter into a relationship as is then I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Sure I could try the chasing, begging, inquisitive obsessive approach, but you should know by now that I just don't have that in me.

You know, this is why I don't try this sort of thing. No one likes rejection, even those that believe they're a cold hearted shell of a human being. That's the risk you take when you travel down that road, but from this end it doesn't seem worth getting back onto the pavement and walking back up the street, only to end up in this same shitty part of town a little while later (or maybe in an even worse part of town). Sure the lights might be bright at the far end, and the shop windows on the way are illuminated in their own individual ways, but you may never reach that glowing mecca, you may, in fact not get anywhere near.

From here, I can see the park bench where I used to sit down the road. It looks so comfy from here, despite it's bare wooden lats and inadequate protection from the rain. It was comfy. Why the hell did I ever stand up to stretch my legs?

It works two ways I suppose. Sure the bench looks comfy from here. But think how luxuriant the ones look just up the road. Who wouldn't be tempted by that? Well, as most fish will tell you (those with half a brain) "You shouldn't always try to reach for the shiny thing in front of you...for you never know when a fly is indeed a fly." Of course, most fish don't figure that one out until it's too late.

I think I've been relatively numb all day. As time goes on things dawn on you. Unfortunately that feeling left me some time ago and the only way I can describe the feeling I have now is, well, heartbroken. Drink hasn't helped me get the numbness back, which is somewhat of a disappointment. The only thing I can think of that will right now is sleep. But who can think about that right now?

Sure it's easy to say "there's plenty more fish in the sea", or what have you, it's another to get up and get the old fishing rod out again....yeah I noticed that too, there's a weird fish vibe that's developed in this post. I have no idea what that's about.

It's true what they say though, time is a great healer...but it's no magician and if you get your legs blown off, time isn't going to grow them back for you, it can only do so much.

Yeah I'd like to strike a line under the past two weeks and move on, and that's what I will try to do, but it doesn't mean I'm going to move in the same direction as I was. Life was simpler back where I was, the reclusive nobody, more than happy with his own company, yet appreciative of the company of others. Who wants to invest all that you are into one other person? I did. I still do. But I have to learn to get back in touch with the old me.

Sorry about that. I really can't bring myself to read all that to make sure my metaphors make sense. It's far too depressing.

2 month blogaversary

Well that was a quick two months I must say. Sure there was a fair few days where I was forced to neglect you all, but even with those sidetracking deviations of a detour, this is the 100th post. How mint is that?

I've been trying to think of what to say, and I'm definetly not going to sully the happy occassion with my "love life".

I have been physically forced into pink swearing to let She who shall not be named cut my hair. I guess I should have tried to resist with two hands, but to be honest I can't be bothered to fight at the minute (unless it's verbally, I love a good argument and if you say I don't then it's on). I should really just go to bed now since I'm at work at 8am, but stuff it. Wish I was drunk though...

I made my first meal in the flat today and it hasn't killed anyone so far. Bare in mind that we've just finished so unless I accidentally laced it with striknine we should be alright for a bit.

I've also discovered that my Thundercats t-shirt anger isn't only limited to the same style of shirt. No no no, I saw a guy with a completely different one and immediately felt a bubble of rage build and explode in my chest. Imaging how I'll react when Sofa turns up to our Halloween party dressed as Mumm-Ra.

Talking about the halloween bash, I've decided to go as Skeletor (the live action one, not the cartoon. I may love the skull faced lunatic but I couldn't get away with painting my body blue). I have a couple of prospective special effects people who might be able to do a mask, but I'll look into that further.

Big up to Krizzle. And a big shout out to the makers of masking tape, you gave the monk and a wheelchair an hilarious night.

I meant to make this more cheery but what can you do?

Isn't it weird that I can wiggle the toes on my right foot quicker than those on the left? Added to that the fact that I can move the fingers on my left hand quicker than the right, I just don't understand anything anymore.

Well that didn't work. So here's a joke I've probably told everyone more than once...but my joking vocabulary is somewhat limited.

There are two nuns driving along in their mini when the devil jumps onto the bonnett of the car.

"Give me your souls!!!" the devil cried.

"Get off me car" the first nun replied.

"Make me" replied the devil, for he was the king of witty retorts.

"This isn't working Mary" says the second nun "Show him your cross."

To which the first nun replied "GET OFF ME FUCKING CAR!"

Hmm...

Wow, that was the shortest blog ever

Strange mental state

I feel like a cloud that doesn't know that they're a cloud. The worrying thing about that? I have no idea what that means.

Misc blog of randomness

I just had to get some blogging done. The thought that that poem was even posted here was depressing me. Not because it was bad, infact I really like it, it's just too damn good at it's job.

I'm over the moon about the Monk's reaction to the "Love life" made in the blogging in my underwear post. He wouldn't stop hounding me about that all night. Awesome.

Life is remaining interesting as ever, I'm not quite ready to say specifically why yet, but trust me.

We've declared a MySpace war on an opposing flat. That's right, our flat is going to set up a rival MySpace account and try to see who can gain the most popularity/infamy (or however you rate these things). I think we'd have a chance, but then again they have the female advantage, and pictures of us in our underwear just wouldn't compare....although I guess that depends on your preference.

We've had the telewest sky in since Friday and we lost the remote yesterday, what a gutter. We've ripped the place apart so I guess it's time to start trawling through the bins and interrogating people.

Did I tell you that we've picked up a lodger? I can't think of any decent pseudonyms for him yet (and neither can anyone else), so we'll just call him Sofa, 'cos he's become part of the furniture. Which is nice.

What else? Damn I really need to go to bed, it's like 4 in the morning and I've gotta get up at 8, joy.

Photoshopping

About 7 or 8 months ago I was in the middle of an NVQ that the job centre had forced me to go to. It hadn't mattered to them that I had a degree, of course it didn't. Lets face it, whats that even worth nowadays?

...lets not get into that one today. The point is, since it was a computing NVQ, and considering there was little more they could teach me, they decided just to ask me what I wanted to learn. I had decided that since my University years had concentrated on the coding side, I would like to venture into the world of graphics. Thus began my stint of playing with Photoshop day in and day out. Some of the stuff I'll put up, some is too drastically awful that I won't....although maybe I will.

Things got to the stage where I had done everything set for me and I was left to my own devices. This was when I trawled the net for tutorials to further develop my skills (as well as fall in love with graphics tablet/pens...seriously, it got to the point where I never went near my mouse, whether I was using Photoshop or not). I eventually came across a nifty little tutorial that taught you how to colour in black and white pictures (without spending hours and hours tracing the lines). Above is the original (click on it for a larger image), and below is my coloured and shaded attempt. I'm really proud of this one.

A poem by yours truly

In the past I've written a poem or two. Some not half bad (some probably all bad). I've only just found some of these and looking back it's all a bit depressing. But, that was the goal all along I guess. To force out an experience or feeling into the open and let others feel just a portion of what you do. So, without further ado (and baring in mind that I in no way feel like this anymore, yep, no suicide watch for me) here's a nice little piece entitled:

"Internal Torment"

Inspirations a funny thing
It seems to come and go
I haven’t wrote a thing for years
Until this time of woe

Boredom, rage and other things
Inspire me to type
To pluck things from my aching head
In order to gain respite

I think it works
I know it will
It’s got to hasn’t it?
If not then I shall sacrifice
Myself into the pit

Some peace
Some rest
Some time for breath
A chance to get away
From this tortured plain of existence
From a life that’s torn and frayed

Can peace come so easily
To one as damned as I
A mere few words upon the screen
Without having to leave and die?

And so I bid farewell for good
To those that seem to care
And a curse on those that caused this corpse
And made this life unfair.

My stomach hates me.....

....and I'm not particularlly good friends with it either. I got three hours sleep this morning before waking up with the feeling that my stomach had booked a holiday to Spain for two weeks and was packing for the trip. Hopefully I can make sure it misses it's taxi before it gets any bright ideas.

That being said, out of all of the times I've felt like I was going to be sick, I think I've only ever held it back once or twice, one of which involved standing over a toilet bowl and concentrating on not thinking....which takes a hell of a lot more brain power than you'd expect.

My hope is that this whole blogging in the underwear (mark 2) pays off and I can get back to sleep. Sure there's no chance in hell, but it's worth a shot.

Got a few texts from my Dad when I went out last night while the folks were abroad. He's got a similar style of text humour as mine and my brothers. Occasionally my bro and I will get into little one upsmanship text battles and my Dad's was a good effort. Sure my Dad's wasn't as malicious or personal as the little bro's, but they made me laugh. Put it this way, it created a great mental image of me and some random assistant walking in drunken circles as we both had one rubber leg. We would then attempt to grab the other person in an effort to better negotiate life and travel in a straight line....assuming we both had opposing rubber legs....okay so I guess you had to be there.

Yesterday marked the fourth week since we moved in (I don't know if it feels longer or shorter). It was only fitting that I get trollied.

Oh, and thanks to Joe for covering our signature sign in what can only be described as shit, pardon my french eeehaw eehaw eehaw (a phrase which I have yet to see any french person ever use).

We forgot to by a wirless router yesterday, damn our leathery hides!!!

Also, I pissed off the neighbours last night. Not a great move yeah but I had a little to drink and had no idea that we were possibly shouting right outside their bedroom window and 5am. Whoops.

Last night was interesting, veeeeery interesting.

That was quick...

Well that'll teach me. The folly of blogging in your underwear has come to fruition and resulted in everyone who hasn't seen my underpants getting a great view. Next time I'll wear a bra.

Blogging in your underwear

Or more accurately mine. Not that I'm offering you understand, but I'd thought I'd do a test and see if it's any different. So far? It's a little colder and there's every chance that someone could barge in and catch me looking rather foolish. But them's the risks I guess.

Well yesterday we got the broadband installed and it seems to be working great. I just wish that I had the choice to connect and disconnect without ripping out the modem.

Yet more people came to view the flat this morning, even though we only moved in four weeks ago (today) so we're going to have to track down the landlord, especially since our oven and central heatings broke and we haven't paid him a penny.

Now that we have pins for the notice board I will be adding random phrases and lyrics. So far we have the Fight club inspired "You are not your job", which helps me quite a bit on a physcological level whenever I see it. As of yesterday we now have "I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live", one of my favourite song lyrics, and a nice ideaology to boot (it's from 'Go with the flow' by Queens of the stone age if your ripping your hair out at this point).

In non-flat related news, lifes gone a bit weird. Not that it wasn't weird before. Now I wouldn't call it a "Love life" per se, but it could be, given the right moulding and shaping.

We're back!

*Devil horns held high*

WE HAVE 10 MEG INTERNET!!!!

Finally the blogging can resume and errupt all over the net...well my blog. Kick ass!!!

Call me The Snowman

Have I ever told you about my extreme aversion to snow? Well I am now. For some reason, I get an overwhelming violent urge whenever it snows. I think it dates back to a combination of school and my terrible throwing arm.

The first recorded incident dates back to middle school. One day, when walking home (in the snow surprisingly) a fellow child ran up from behind me and "scrubbed" me. For the uneducated in snow related warfare this is the method of rubbing a snowball into someones face or head with force. Needless to say I wasn't best pleased and proceeded to fling him to the floor. I'm sure I hurled one or two threatening remarks in there too, but this was just the beginning.

When I was at high school age I was again walking home (not far from the previous incident), when three children popped up from behind a wall and began throwing balls of ice at mine and my brothers faces. Again I was a little miffed and, after telling them to stop, I kicked the oldest one as hard as I could in the leg. For some reason I proceeded to then walk off as he got ready for a fight (I could tell this by the taunts of "Come on then!" and by the fact that he threw his hat on the icy ground). By the time he noticed that I wasn't going to oblige he was also a wee bit miffed. "Fuck him" I thought, now you know how I feel.

Possibly the most horrific of these tales (and possibly because I can only remember three at the moment) also happened when I was in high school. This time it was actually in school, at lunch time if memory serves (and if it doesn't I ain't the fool that's going to give it a tip at the end of the meal). I had been told that a child no one particularly liked (one which I liked even less so) was willing to stand there and take a barrage of snowballs to his person as long as he could return the favour. So there we are, all lined up and throwing our chunks of snow when one of the guys chunks of ice falls next to my foot. What else could I do but compress it further and throw it back. How was I supposed to know I'd hit him in the eye and blind him for the rest of the day? I guess my throwing arm isn't as bad as I thought, it's evil.

Artichoke!!!!

If you ever hear me scream the word artichoke, come running, for the love of God come running. For this is the super secret code word for danger in the most unsociable situations....obviously it's not much of a super secret, or even a secret anymore, but it should work just the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against this hideous mistake of nature. But it's one damn ugly vegetable. If I mention it to you in passing, just burst in with something to break the ice, just in case. Even if you're absolutely positive I'm in no danger.

I shall hold a regular emergency test each Wednesday at 10am, assuming I'm not asleep. You have been warned.

Rocking all over the room

Don't rocking chairs kick ass? If you disagree you're obviously an idiot, or have some unknown valid point. Or you may have lost a loved one in a rocking chair related mishap. I don't know, I'm not here to judge you. I can if you want me to, but I will need you to submit an official request.

Why, if we have the choice, do we rock in an object that allows us to do so? What's that fundamental urge you have to stay in constant motion? Even when you sleep you're never truly still. Personally, I think it's a survival instinct, one that keeps us on our toes, ready to evade wayword cheetahs and disgruntled penguins (depending on which habitat you currently reside in).

As usual, trip me up when I'm passing you the next time you see me, or post a comment to let me know your opinion.

Your ever lovin' Warthog