Buying "love"

Now I have nothing against desperate people. However, I don't class myself among them. Quite why some "friends" of mine decided to sign me up for a Russian bride therefore is beyond me. I don't think I've made any hint towards requesting this. However, one day I'm idly checking my emails. The next thing I know I'm reading an email stating that I have a membership to a top notch Russian bride website, and that all of these women would like to chat to me.

This leaves me in a quandry....several in fact. To begin with, something I read a long time ago always haunts me. "If you ever hit the 'I want to be removed from this mailing list' link in an email, you will instantly confirm to them that this is an active email address." I can't remember where I read this, but I've lived by it ever since. This, unfortunately, also means that I can never stop them since the webmail I use has no junk facility. Needless to say I've stopped reading them.

Oh, I mentioned other quandries (or is that quandry's? Does it really matter?). There's always that niggling doubt in the back of your mind. The little demon whispering "It would be so easy. No awkward dates. No cheesey chat up lines. Just cash in hand and your away"......but surely that's prostitution....or slave labour, depending on who gets the money I guess. No, it's definately a bad idea. Bad demons! No!

Big change is rubbish

Sorry about the delay.

Going back to that life disappearing post. I wish it weren't the case, but that's intensified ten fold. Pretty soon it's going to be like starting all over again, because I am indeed going to have to start all over again. I'm moving campaigns (not by choice, but through necessity) at work and that involves starting at the very bottom rung of a brand new ladder. I've known this for maybe a week now and it's still not sitting right with me. Sure everyones got to do it, but they all seem happier about it than ever could be. I just fail to see the up side....although admittedly that has always been my problem.

It's at this point I have to praise the inventor of the blog. Admittedly this morning I am feeling quite lazy and I've only managed one quick look, but I can't quite seem to find out who that is. Even the great (although somewhat inaccurate at times) Wikipedia has let me down in that regard. Did I ever tell you about the news story I read the other week? Someone posted on Wikipedia that Marty Pellow (the singer in Wet wet wet) had died. People started putting together memorials and stuff, right up until the point his agent went and made a statment claiming that he is in fact alive and well.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. Where was I? Ah yes. The blog, with my constant writing and little need for thought has unlocked an idea. A spark of hope, and sometimes that's all you need. Although, it's not a big spark. Anyway, it is a way to start again. A chance to try and work my way up a ladder that maybe isn't so difficult to climb. Then again, there'll be people who have been there for years and I won't have a snowball's chance. That and I've no idea about the job yet. I might not even be able to do it.

My main grumbling points are as follows:

• I hate change. Yes, sometimes it can be good. Othertimes (as I have proven last year, and I'm sure you can guess which event this refers to) change can be very very bad. Hopefully the stigma of this old attempted change will not follow me and cripple me again.
• It means saying goodbye to at least a few people. Not everyone is going to the same place and in this sort of working environment this can mean that you may never see these people again. Sure there's some I'll make an effort to stay in contact with, but there's also the people you just get used to being there. The people you automatically say hello to as you come in, exchange a few pleasantry's (not sure of the spelling there) and be on your merry way. Sometimes it's the kind words of a near stranger that could get you through the day.
• I don't know if I'll be able to handle the job. I'll never know 'till I'm trying to do it.
• I have a feeling that we'll be outcasts. Sure we'll huddle together like hunted rabbits, if indeed rabbits do this, but it's not the same. Going from being knowing everyone on a campaign to knowing barely anyone is a scary proposition.
• That whole new ladder thing
• Less hours
• It's easy to have seen them as the enemy in the past. To be consumed by them feels somewhat of a defeat. Like we've lost a war we didn't know the rules of and we've been conscripted into the enemy camp. (I like this analogy. It seems to sumarise everything).

However, I don't think any of this will motivate me to find another job. I know. Idiot.

Pork Scratchings mmm

I realise that it may seem that I'm stuck in a pub blogging rut, but these are all ideas I had whilst sitting in said pub.

Anyway, pork scratchings. There's a curious beast. I never used to be able to stand the thought of them. They seem to basically be fried fat. Now that I'm older and, supposedly, wiser, I know better. It's not just fat. In fact it's a safe bet that no one truely know's what's in a pork scratching. The fat is a given. But there's just something else about it. The fact that it's nearly like a pork chop crackling is great. But, there's always that cold, greasy fat one. The bit that should make you shiver, but if you've got a taste for them, there's nothing that's going to stop you. I've proven this to myself countless times since taking up the habit. Especially when you come across a big fat accumulation of hair. Mmm Mmm Mmmm. I guess that we can always take that as proof that it's atleast animal based. This goes a long way to explaining why you must be drunk to even contemplate trying these.

You never seem to get the same sort taste when you try different brands. You wouldn't think they'd be so diverse. Maybe you would, but it's strange nontheless. I must say that I had the most appauling packet the other day. Overly crisp, no fat, and not one hair. Call those pork scratchings? They're danm crisps!!!

Pub toilets

What is it with pub toilet floors? Is there someone employed to piss on their or are some people just so drunk that they have trouble hitting a 6 foot wide trough? It's disgusting and it's a damn good job that I'm usually too far gone to remember that I'll be trailling drunk's urine into my flat. To top it off, on Friday the hot tap was blatantly lying to me. There was no way that bad boy was getting any warmer than absolute zero. I believe I've been given the incorrect information.

Fuzzy groups

As you may know, I'm short sighted (and as I have to clarify this each time someone asks, that's where you can't see well at distance). I wasn't always this way. I used to have perfect eyesight up until my A-Levels. It gradually got worse and worse, up to the point where I'm pretty much wearing them all the time. I know it's sometimes difficult to imagine the lack of something you have, but I'll try and explain it anyway. When I take my glasses off, everything gets blurry around the edges. The further away something is the fuzzier it gets. After a certain distaince it's trying to look through fogged up glass on a cold day.

This has however allowed me to carry out an interesting experiment. I used to despise people in general. They just got in the way. I was in high school, and almost everyone was a dick so I can be forgiven for creating such thought's...probably. It was so much easier to categorise people as them and me. It was even easier with a visual aide. I have walked through a crowded street, hundreds, maybe thousands of people in front of me. I took my glasses off and they lost all of their distinguishing features. Everyone was that little less individual, a little less human and therefore less significant. I didn't have to care and therefore their damning opinions didn't mean a thing, for they were a faceless mob. I could now see as I thought. The perfect complement to my philosohpy. However, this has changed. Sure you still have your occasional dick, but people are individuals. Unfortunately, this means that I'll need to get a new prescription for my glasses so I can see them in this manner, and it's been around 9 years since I last got my eyes checked. This could be an expensive way to live out my metaphor.

Slipknot philosophy

Slipknot. A random collection of words and screaming, or something more?

I never really considered it until today. Most of their songs after their first album are just noise, but the song 'Duality' has....something. Sure it's catchy, but I didn't think about how clever the lyrics were until I was on my way to work. Here's a portion of the song. The bits in (brackets) are my additions:

I push my fingers into my eyes
Its the only thing That slowly stops the ache
But its made of all The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends It pushed it's way inside
If the pain goes on... OOOOHHHHHH
(This cuts a little close to home already. It's somewhat reminiscent of the whole slapping and punching thing. Sure, it's more exaggerated, but it would work all the same. It is indeed made of all the episodes that make up the series that is my life, and it never does seem to end.)

I have screamed until my veins collapsed (Again, close to home)
I’ve waited as my times elapsed (Patients is something I have too much of)
Now all I do is live with so much fate (i.e. Resigning myself to it)
I wished for this, I bitched at that
I’ve left behind this little fact, You cannot kill what you did not create (Defiant to the last)
I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say and then I swear I'll go away, but I cant promise you'll enjoy the noise (Well the blog kinda covers that)
I guess I'll save the best for last, my future seems like one big past, you laughed at me cuz you left me no choice (I just love this lyric. The future is so limited it's either predictable, or anything that's going to happen has already happened....pointless)

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing That slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on I'm not gonna make it!
---

I'm probably reading too much in it, sure. But it's clever and scarily close to my life. I've never really been able to identify with a song. They've only just been entertainment in the past. Maybe I have haven't been gleaming as much as I should have been able to from this media. Maybe I should pay more attention in the future.

Life's disappearing

The world is a strange place. There's no denying this. If you try, you're a fool, and much like Mr T, I pity you. You'd think it would make sense as you gain experience, as you get used to it's inner workings. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong. The bits that begin to make sense become inconsequential and the things you thought you had figured out just get stranger. Every now and then you think you'll have a grasp on it all. Everything has a function and everything's in it's place. Sorted. Then an H-Bomb goes off and it's chaos again. At the moment it feels like the world's getting smaller. Not just in the way over used technological example, but emotionally. It seems like there's a little less of it there. It's like a large portion of my life is disappearing either all at once or gradually. I can't figure it out anymore. People are either fading away or disappearing completely. The people that, for one reason or another you expect to be there forever. Once you get used to something it's easy to depend on the fact that they will be a constant in your life. If that change's it's Del Boy on the bar all over again and at some point I'm going to end up on my face.