Merry Christmas

Since I'm working tomorrow I may not get a chance to blog again for a few days. I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the people reading, obviously. You give me that warm fuzzy feeling just knowing someone's there. Merry Christmas to you all.

Oh, and if you get bored without me (and lets not rule out a sudden burst of boredom that gets me blogging Christmas day haha) here's a few links that may get you through the season :)

Merry Christmas by Slade, which you can see here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=putnlqW2pKg

I wish it could be Christmas everyday by Wizzard:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVhZS1-WZZc

Christmas wings

Some of you may have noticed that it's Christmas time. Some of you may be in a coma. If so, I hope you get well soon. I'm not quite sure how you're reading this, maybe a loved one is reading it to you in order to scare you awake. In advance I'd like to apologise if you can't wake up but you can still hear the harrowing tales of what flies through my head.

Where was..oh yeah. Around the office I've attempted to get into the spirit of things. Working at this time of year is bad enough without being able to celebrate a little. So, I've wore a pair of fairy wings for the past two days. After a little while you get used to it. You don't forget they're there, but it's kind of nice. Not only do people comment on how pretty you look, but others look at you like your a mental patient, which I've always enjoyed. True it was slightly awkward sitting in the canteen by myself, but it did produce the greatest double take I've ever seen.

You've never lived until you've visited the toilets wearing fairy wings. I didn't know who felt more uncomfortable, me or them.

So, what does this all say about me? Either I've finally lost it, I'm trying to make some sort of point again (which I'm not. Anyway, it would never have the same impact as that pink cardigan), or I'm comfortable in myself enough to do whatever just to get a reaction. I'd like to think I'm close to the latter.

Indiana quote

I've just finished watching Indiana Jones and the temple of Doom, and I must say I remember it slightly differently. Nothing major, just little bits. Hell, I must have been about 9 when I watched it last. Anyway, there was one bit that made me sit up (not literally) and think. At the start where Indie's have a meeting with the crazies he says something that sounded like:

"My spirit is life"

I thought, "hmmm, that's a bit out of place. I like it, but it's definately out of place." It's a nice little thought. You're spirit (should it exist) is life, and without it you wouldn't be you.....I later rewatched that clip and he says "I spared him his life", which isn't quite the same. But it's a nice thought anyway.

Free booze

Well I've won lots of booze at work, finally random chance cuts me some slack. His little christmas treat. Unfortunately, what he gives with one hand he takes away with the other....and then hoofs me in the crotch to boot. Out of the 7 bottles of spirits (that's vodka, rum, sherry, cogniac, gin, whiskey and martini for those of you who are interested) the Monk and I have tried 3. I think I can cross the sherry and gin off my "things that will pass my lips again outside of a terrorist torture camp" list. The rum however wasn't too bad.

Plus, it was a bugger to get home. Not only was it heavy as hell, but we went to a few pubs first and the way people look at you when you're carrying a box of booze. Well I never :P

I'm on the verge of demanding my £1 raffle ticket fee back.

Ammendment

I can't believe it slipped my mind. I guess I've been trying to forget the fact. A little ammendment to one of my previous posts today. I do know why I shouldn't just give up. Because I can't. I can't physically force myself to give up on anything. I will most likely keep trying despite the logical side to me. In fact it may be to spite that side. It took the elven warrior to point that one out to me (not now obviously, the other day). It went something like:

"Well, that's another job I haven't got. I should really just give up now."

"You can't do that"

"Why not?"

"'Cos you're you."

Damn it she's right.

Sentient furniture

Have you ever wondered about the sentience of furniture? Well you should. Do you never get suspicious about certain items in the house? How the hell does the sofa pick up all that loose change? Is it pickpocketing the guests? Is it stealing it from me? Does it have a part time job besides supporting the weight of the people sitting on it? What the hell does it do with the money it makes?

Does the puffy (those foot rest thingy's) get embarrassed? Does it have height issues since it's so much smaller than everyone else? Does it have a constant urge to bathe since people are putting their smelly feet on it's head all the time? Is the top it's head?

Are beds naturally lazy?

Do cupboards mind if you rifle through their draws?

Santa's coming

It's just dawned on me, and it may be too late. It's officially a week 'til Christmas!!! No, that wasn't it. The thing that dawned was that our chimney is boarded up. This is our first Christmas here (hell, it's my first Christmas since leaving home, weird I know) and I just haven't thought ahead. Maybe the chimney's still there behind the boards. Maybe if I remove it Santa can get through. Don't worry, I'll think of something....but remind me later on in case I get distracted.

Thirsty for booze

I could really use a drink about now. It's just a damn shame that it's almost 4am and the pubs are shut. If it doesn't feel late/early then it shouldn't be damn it :P

Oh the contradictions

I realise how strange it looks having one post about how I wouldn't change anything right now and another about how life is frustrating me, but it makes sense to me. I started off optimistic as I sat down, but then I thought about it too much. I guess you can read it as I wouldn't change a thing, now that I've decided to give up on trying. Maybe I'm subconsciously linking the two. If I don't try to change anything then nothing will change. Well tough luck buster, life just isn't that fair.

Phsychic phenomenon

Over the years I've discovered that I have somewhat limited psychic powers. Hold on hold on, let me explain before you roll your eyes like that.

It all began with my good friend Chris (who I really need to call, although he never did answer my text. True his phone isn't that reliable, but what can you do?). We used to spend forever together. I'd go round most Sundays, we'd hang round and play on the PS2 (or the original Playstation way back when), discuss philosophy (including the mysteries of timetravel and what would an obese woman stuck in a bus stand in Scotland do with a delivery boy if she could lay the appropriate booby traps), or have a game of chess, poker, Yu-Gi-Oh (I rule at that game by the way, oh yeah....man I probably shouldn't be proud of that haha), Heroklix, or whatever we had decided to try.

Sometimes I'd be there for 16-30 hours easy. Gradually we started thinking the same, generally the later it got the easier it was. One of us would say something and the other would have already been thinking it and was about to say the same thing. Other times we just blurted out the same thing at the same time. They weren't your average run of the mill thoughts either. I don't think either of us have those. They were the most obscure, random, totally unrelated to anything we were doing or saying types of things. It was great.

Over the years It's happened a few more times. But now I'm learning the rules. I can't turn it off and on. If it happens it happens. Sometimes there are pictures, it depends on the person.

Back in my first year at university I spent a lot of time round Chinese and Japanese people. I don't speak either language, but luckily they spoke mine. When they did jump back into their respective other languages I could kinda understand what they were saying. Sure it was probably a mixture of body language and the situation they were in, but it came easy to me. I even managed to follow a joke, which was actually funny.

I've found that I only have this sort of link to certain people. So far there isn't a whole lot these people seem to have in common. Some have been casual aquaintances, but these have only been brief flashes of psychicness. But then again, if I haven't spent that much time around them how could it happen more often?

Other people I've had amazing mental experiences with. I've seen full blown moving images (sure the colour wasn't that great, but what can you do?), pre-emptively judged reactions by text over long distances, interpreted the most bizarre codes, and just generally been able to tell what certain people are thinking. I can't choose who or when, but when it happens it's fantastic. Hell, I've even had two peoples mental images in there at the same time. Sure they were squashed a bit and the aspect ratio went out of wack, but it was cool.

Those times with Chris though, they were the only ones when the link was two way. No one else (or at least to my knowledge) has been able to peer into my mind. That's probably for the best though. You really don't want to know what goes on in here. Sure the blog is a great way to let a lot of it out. But the deep dark recesses would tear you apart. I'm not saying that in an egotistical way, but I'm fairly sure you'd start screaming, curl up in a ball and gently rock back and forth for the rest of your life it you could see what I see. This is why horror films don't scare me anymore. It really doesn't compare.

Primal vocal work

Now I may have already told you this, I may not have. I don't think I have at least. And if I have I apologise and give you permission to skip ahead....although I may be sneaky and plant something in there that you didn't know. That's me for you.

Annnnyway, there are times when life gets to me. It never used to. I used to cut myself off emotionally and drift through it like so much soggy marmelade. But in the past year things have changed. I've changed. I've let those barriers down and now I'm not so much the emotional cripple I once was. This, obviously, has it's down sides. Sure I could go on about how great things can be, and don't get me wrong, they can and are. I'm able to enjoy things more not that I can associate an emotion with them.

However, back to the downsides. The good times are good, and the bad times are very bad....the inbetween times are myeh. There's only so much disappointment and rejection one person can take. Yes, as you may have guessed it, I've gotten myself rejected yet again. I really should stop going for promotions. It's only sapping my willingness to strive forward with each attempt. I know I've said this before, but what actually is the point in trying if I have to go through all this emotional shit? It was so much easier when I didn't react. But it's part of life now and I've got to deal with it.

I always used to think "If you never try, you never fail. If you never fail you're never disappointed." That did me well for the longest time. I probably should have listened to myself more. True there are those who come up with the counter argument "Yeah, but if you never try, you never succeed." This is also true. But, isn't it human nature that you will fail to attain something on average more times than you will attain it? If this is true, shouldn't you look at the wider picture? Is the goal going to be worth all that rejection? Or are you happier ignoring the whole thing and putting it out of your life?

Unfortunately, it is human nature to grasp for what we do not have. We start this as infants, and we carry on with it like a damn relay race. Passing the baton to the next older version of us.

So, where does that leave me? Well, I've had enough of the whole rejection thing to stop going for promotions. I don't see the point in trying anymore. It's just going to end up in more rejection. However, will that stop me going for other things (non-job related)? Who knows? I'll try not to let it get that far, but that sort of thing doesn't come up that regularly anyway. I guess we'll just play it by ear. But I wouldn't hold you breath on it panning out.

I almost forgot the main reason I started this entry. Jeez, how my mind wanders. Sorry about that. I was leading up to it, then I got carried away. Did I ever tell you what I do when I get so damn frustrated with it all? I scream. Sure, it's a big, butch, manly (haha) primal scream, but it's a scream. Something so gutteral that I feel the demon inside of me letting loose. Airing it's greivances and letting it's prescence be known. I don't do this there and then of course. I reserve that time when I'm in my bedroom. Sure I've done it in front of other people before, but I warned them ahead of time and I couldn't be bothered to stand up.

So far I haven't got my technique down. Recently I've been really hurting my throat and giving myself a little headache. The force at which I do this feels like I'm tearing my lungs out through my windpipe, and it stays that way for an hour or two. But, it's worth it. I do feel better for it. A little more relaxed. A little less tense. If only for the fact that my mental pain is being lifted by the physical.

That reminds me (and for once the two are interconnected), the physical violence thing hasn't broke out in a while. The urge to have someone beat the crap out of me hasn't risen in God knows how long. Maybe that's why this whole thing has been getting to me? 'cos I haven't had regular doses of physical pain to block out the mental. But, it's not something I can turn off and on.

That doesn't really feel like an ending. I feel like I'm leaving you hanging.....but isn't that just how life is?

Disappearing feelings

Do you ever get those moments in life when you stop, sit back and think "Yeah, I wouldn't change much in my life right now. In fact I wish it could stay as it is for as long as possible."?

Well I do, and I'm having one at the moment. But, as with all things in life, I sense a change. I don't know what it is, or who, other than me it'll effect, but it's (probably) coming. Something big. Something life changing. And not for the better. Then again it could just be my natural pessimism....if pessimisim is indeed a natural trait. I have a feeling it's linked to a person, or a group of people. Something that will affect how often I see them.

Hmmmm

Superhero dream

Thank you thank you thank you subconscious casual aquaintance of mine. Another night and another dream. Yet another bizarre and different experience.

I start off realising that I'm a superhero, much like the elastic Mr Fantastic (although not as eqotistical). After a bit of unnecessary stretching and wrapping up bad guys with my arms I get bored. In fact the whole super team do. I can't quite remember who the team was, but there was one.

We got so bored with the fact that there were no more super villains to fight that we broke into someones house. We raided the fridge, sat on their couch and watched their TV. I had my feet up on their stool, chowing down in a nice fat sandwhich, watching the tube when the owners burst through the door. I jumped to my feet, turned and realised that my so called "team mates" were nowhere to be seen. What would a superhero do in that situation? Damn right, I jumped out of the window and legged it. I hopped into someones moving car and sped off into the waking world.

Man I love my mind sometimes.

We're WAP-ing

To paraphrase the French DJ "You can see Warthog's thoughts on your phone!"

That's right, you can view the blog perfectly on your mobile phone through the internet (hence the WAP (Wirless Application Protocol) part of the title). I was so chuffed I had to take a picture of the phone on the site. This rocks!

Seening things?

I've had a weird week. Not only with the dream thing, but in the waking life too. The other day I was walking into town. Tuesday I think it was, I was on my way to see Tenacious D: The pick of Destiny (which is unfortunately just a rehash of their TV series it seems, but it had it's moments). It was already dark when on the way a small dog passed in front of me. In it's mouth was what appeared to be a human head. My eyes widened and I think I slowed slightly. One double take later and I saw that it was just a popped basketball, curving inward to produce a shadow that looked like hair. I gathered my wits and carried on.

After the film I walked home. I looked up to where the old Warner Bros cinema once was and new office buildings now stand. In the middle, on the roof I saw something black flapping against the dark night sky. I peered closer, trying to distinguish a shape. It appeared to be a caped figure slouching forward, completely in black, their cloak bellowing in the wind. I blinked, then it was gone. Either the bellowing had stopped and it blended perfectly into the pitch black sky, or it was never there to begin with. I continued to stare until the building was out of sight.....but what if.....?

The second dream

I wasn't me. I don't think I was me. Well at least I hope I wasn't me.

I was an older gentleman who owned a rather large and fancy victorian house. The inside was all dark wood and red decor. There was a staircase that seemed to be the main staging ground of the dream, with an old fashioned lift going up the middle. Now the individual elements of the dream are fuzzy, and that's probably for the best. Violence, sex, murder, dragging bodies and leaving trails of blood on the red carpet. I remember that each time the police came I was nonchalant, with a "I told you so" attitude. I didn't even pretend to care, and neither did they. I'm not sure how many people I killed, or if I killed my daughter when she suspected the truth, but it was certainly interesting.

As I said, they were all very different dreams.

Subconscious christmas

My subconscious has given me a great christmas present. It's let me dream again, so far that's two this week alone. How mint is that? Each one is so radically different it's unbelievable.

The first was set in a small, yet tall cream marble decorated room. A younger version of me was sitting on a bench, watching Inspector Morse on a large TV with some old people I didn't recognise. A little time goes by and the man turns to me and asks "So, do you watch Morse much?" I looked up at him and said "No, it's been a long time since I've had to. No one I know has died in a long time." (I think in my head it made more sense, I think I meant that the people I used to watch it with aren't alive anymore). At this moment I began to bubble, then I cried, and cried, and cried. I was inconsolable (although they did try).

Then I woke up. Not suddenly, but gradually. I felt a distinct sense of sadness and depression. It had touched me so profoundly it was hard to comprehend. I've never watched Inspector Morse all the way through. I've not had to. No one's forced me to.

Hours later I was talking about it to Mumbles. He asked if the old people could have been my grandparents. It dawned on me, maybe it could be. Sure they were younger than I'd ever seen them, their hair was brown and not wiry and grey, but then again I was young in the dream too. It made more and more sense. But then, doesn't that raise further questions? What does it all mean? Is it symbolic or is it my grandparents reaching out to me in my sleep? Didn't my Grandad watch Morse? I can't quite remember.

The second dream was quite quite different, and I don't think I'll sully this post with it.

Losing sense/ability

It's a common fact that if one sense weakens or is lost, another will thrive to compensate for this loss. In theory, this should also work for limbs. You see people who've lost the use of/or then entirety of their legs. By using a wheelchair they gain more upper body strength through the shear effort of getting around. Even if they didn't have a wheelchair, you'd logically assume that they would have to use their arms more in their day to day activities, (This is assuming that they do not become dependent of others for their daily lives. And if that's by choice then it's a damn shame because they're making two people's lives that bit harder).

Now I'm a moderately - more than moderately lazy person. See, I just did it there. I used a hyphen ("-") instead of the word "to". How lazy is that? Is this the only solution to get around this and get buff? Sure it seems drastic to hack off ones legs in order to increase your biceps, but it's sure to work. Isn't it?

.....maybe I just need more discipline. Or I could tie my legs together. That might work. Getting to work would be tricky. But I'm sure I'd think of something.

And yes. I've noticed a general subconscious trend in my blogs of late that tend towards self mutilation. I know I know. What? You're worried? How do you think I feel?

Sick from the head?

Do you reckon you could make yourself sick with a thought? I mean physically throwing your guts up type of sick. I'm not thinking about self induced paranoid sickness, but sitting there concentrating on being sick until you are. I really want to try it, and I think I can do it....but that desire is only just beaten by the fact that I really don't like being sick.

It's weird I can feel it coming already. How cool is that?....now I really need to stop.

My Halloween pic

As promised, here's my halloween costumes. The everliving spirits of evil were with me that night and they transformed this non-decaying form into Mumm-Raaaaaaa!

The other picture is of some fiend dressed as Captain Planet....damn his hide (BTW, he has nothing to do with us, it's just a comparison for similarities.....what the hell was that girl thinking?)

Face ripping

If I ripped off my own face, would the physical change allow me to make a mental change easier? Would the shock force me into a subconscious decision? Would it just be the thought that I look different or would it be the fact that I knew I'd be perceived differently and would feel that I would have to act as such?

Either way, I hope I'll be conscious long enough to find out.

Nightmare supermarket

AAARRGGHH. What the hell? I had my first nightmare in years this morning (well yes, yesterday morning). Picture the scene.....

I'm standing at the exit of a supermarket, only this is a different kind. Their security systems are set up so that in order to leave you have to put a card into the reader, then type your pin code. Unfortunately I couldn't remember mine. I started putting in all of the codes that rule my life. Ones from work, my bank account pin, everything. The problem is, once I start thinking about pin codes I forget them. The more I do this the more worried I get. I know the staff will have noticed something up, that I may be a security risk. I can feel them approach me from the side. My fingers become more frantic and jerky. I notice someone else leaving and the door's still open. Maybe I can get through? I run and yes, I'm through. But then I feel the hard emotionless hand land on my shoulder. I turn slowly to see the cashier with my card in his hand. I'd left it in the reader and the smile on his face told me it was all okay. Then his face turned to Freddy Krugers (or however you spell it). I ran. I ran as fast as I could through the throng of people. I glance at them as I pass, only to see that they too are Freddy. Faster and faster I run, trying to escape.....then I woke up. Quite nervous I'll tell you. So nervous in fact that I didn't go to sleep through my 4 alarms. I just lay there convincing myself everything was okay. That shiver in my spine, that stiffness in my being lasted about an hour as I got to work.

I think I'm okay now. But we'll find out when I turn off the lights.

Sleep damn you!

Is it my subconscious abusing it's only form of losing self control, or is it an undying need to fill my life completely that makes me not go to bed when I know I should? It's quarter to 4. I have work the next morning. What's wrong with me?

On the plus side, I have looked up the old gang from my Transformers message board days at http://www.planetquintessa.com/forums/index.php . I guess I can never sleep when I have something new to play around with. Damn my feeble mind!

Shitty day

Today was one shitty day for me. I don't know how it was for you. Better I hope....unless I don't like you. Then you could rot in hell. But lets ignore this first pseudo paragraph. I guess four short lines can be classed as a paragraph.

Where to begin? Money is tight, especially considering some discrepincies on my pay slip. Worst possible timing really. Christmas is going to be awkward.

I found out that the job I went for (against 3 other people), they all got it. It's left me wondering whether I was just a guinea pig, or a casual attempt to prove that they consider outsiders. This was one of the things that again didn't bother me to start with, but just bubbled and bubbled away. I know why they didn't employ me, and I know that they were doing the job already, but they could have just not bothered wasting my time and rejected me in the paper sift.

What else? I think that's enough for one person to deal with really. I do have another test for another job next week....why do I keep putting myself through these things? I mean sure I'm not happy that I haven't progressed in so long, but I'm kinda happy where I am.

God damnnit

More stray dog chat

It's dawned on me that I am the stray dog that I wrote about a few weeks back. Sure I won't come walking up your garden path looking for attention, but metaphorically I guess I might. As standoffish as I seem, as much of a loner as I may appear, I do crave that sort of attention. Even just a little. A pat on the head just to get rid of me even. I'll do anything you want if your (metaphorically) scratch my stomach....to a point. I'm a sucker for compliments and to be frank, I don't even care if they're false or a thinly veilled excuse to get me to do what you want. As long as I can fool myself I'm fine.

Now I haven't put this to the test as of yet, but I don't think it is quite the same. Whether you stroke me physically or metaphorically I don't think you'll be plagued by a smell on your hand that just won't go away.

....but then I've been wrong before :P

Where my life has gone

Why is it that I feel like I've squandered my life? I've met a tonne of people this past year and although most are younger than me (lets not get started on that one again), they seem to have crammed so much more into their time. Sure I went to college and University. But what else is there? Before I moved out, what social walls had I climbed? What barriers of the everyday life have a I broken. Was there really a me before now?

Come to think of it, I think I know where that time went. On the internet. You might be aware that I'm a Transformers fan (the robots, not the electrical converters). For years I used to sit there all night looking at message boards and chatting to other "TF" fans on aol and msn. While I'm here (and evidently wasting the rest of my life as it happens haha) I'll let you know the whole history of it.

It all started when I began University. Here I met self confessed geeks, ones who helped me unleash the geek in me. After a casual surf between lectures I got bored and tried searching for all sorts of things. It was at this time I remembered, "Transformers used to be so cool". Or something to that effect. So I looked them up, and low and behold, they were going as strong as ever (this was way before the recent spat of Transformers cartoons). The fan bas was huge and I just had to look deeper, so I did.

I found out that there had been several Japan only series (Headmasters, Masterforce, Victory, Beast Wars II, Beast Wars Neo off the top of my head. Oh yeah, and Scramble city), but everyone always came back to the original (or G1 aka Generation 1). How could you not? Megatron as a Luger, Optimus Prime as the good old truck, Soundwave, man I used to love Soundwave the cassette recorder. Sorry, I'm getting a little distracted. Where was I?

Oh yeah, it was on one of these random hunts where I found a little message board called Moonbase 3. I spent a few days watching and reading, then I just had to sign up. I tried the name Ravage, but it was taken. I thought about Soundwave, but then I'd have the stigma of being associated with a monotone bore (however cool he is). I eventually (somehow) ended up with Silent Bob (I'd just gotten into Kevin Smith films too).

As time passed I slowly stopped living up to the name. I posted more and more frequently, to the point where I was becoming a force to be reckoned with in the post scores. I eventually became a moderator, co-created a TF game that never got finished (I created the character animations. Maybe I'll put some up sometime if I can find them). I then became an admin at good old Moonbase 3. I know I'm over simplifying it here, and there was a lot of work and discussion involved. But in a nutshell this is where we start our story. Yeah, I know, but as I said, I think this is where my life went.

I'd made loads of friends there. Great friends who I'd never meet. People from around the world (and I don't care what they say, internet friends are as real as the next). All gathered together to chat and joke around. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all Transformers. We'd talk about anything......but there were some people that I didn't quite like. Now naming names has gotten me in to trouble before, so lets not. Lets just say that decisions were made (a new admin coming in and deleting all my posts, not cool), people took sides, people left (including me). That was after we usurped someones power because it kinda went to their head. Yes I know how stupid that sounds, but it had to be done (although I am sorry for the way it turned out). Anyway, so a group of us left one way, another another way, some stayed. I left.

A group of us went off to form the message board called Stasis lock. I got as high as I was gonna get there too. I liked that place. It was a bit more relaxed. It was just like going round to a friends house. I even got to make their website.

The other splinter group was Planet Quintessa (which whilst researching this, I found out still exists. Go them. I might have to pop by and let them know I'm still alive).

After Moonbase 3 went away and came back again, things were still a little awkward. There was a moralistic rope keeping me away. So, when Stasis lock shut it's doors, I decided to start up my own board. Primus forum was born (not the band, the living being that formed Cybertron, the Transformers homeworld if you must know). Gimlock (owner of Moonbase3) kindly gave me some webspace and we tottered along quite nicely. Sure we didn't have a hell of alot of members (63, but most of them didn't have a single post. Still, 63's a good number), but it was fun. I got to do things my way. I released people from their limits and no subject was taboo....literally.

After a while University kinda got in the way. I started spending less and less time there, to the point where I stopped going altogehter. After a few months I went back to check up on things, see how everyone was, tell them I'm not dead. Then I kinda faded away again. I didn't fell that undying urge to be there all night every night as I once had. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the people, it was me.

During one of these periods of absence we got hacked big style and everything was gone. Since activity had slowed dramatically Grimlock didn't see the point in re-opening. By this time most of the wounds had healed between our own little splintered group and Moonbase 3, so most of them went there. Again I faded away, but this time with a profound sense of loss and regret. If only I'd stayed.....

In the time between then and now (maybe around 3 years) I've thought about this now and again. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. I realise that although it did take up a large chunk of my life, I wouldn't take that time back. I'd do it all over again, but moreso. Afterall, there are worse things I could have been doing.

Now if you'll excuse me, maybe I'll look some old friends up.

Cartoon character similarities

Now there are thousands upon thousands of online quiz games out there. Some of them aren't too bad. But the best answers come from within. So I ask you this, which cartoon character are you most like?

For me it's got to be Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Just as I wrote that I caught myself doing a chewing hay motion as I thought. I don't get excited easily, I don't run ahead of the pack, yet I'm reliable and I always seem to be around somewhere.

Perished pets

We've come up with a plan. We're not allowed live pets in the flat.....oh, you can see where I'm going with this? Exactly, dead (preferably stuffed) dogs are what we need, although one would do just to start out. I'm serious though, we would like a stuffed dog as a pet. If anyone knows where to get one, is giving one away, wants us to adopt, let us know. I'll look after it and feed it and take it for walks every day. Honest :D

Big fat bitching

Well. That didn't work. Another month, another rejection. This is not doing great things for what there is of an ego here. Apparently I'm not bubbly. I guess that's true, and I see their point. They also had good things to say, but at the end of the day, I'm still where I was 11 months ago (that's right, 11 month anniversary as of Sunday gone). They even went as far as to say that they didn't believe training wasn't in my future.

At first I was kinda expecting it. It didn't hit me too hard (certainly not as hard as that whole product specialist thing). As the day wore on though, it started to get to me. Just another thing to sap my confidence. Another issue that has quite noticably taken the spring out of my step. It's happened again, I've forgotten what I used to be like. Man this is shit. What's the point in trying anymore? Well I guess I don't want to stay where I am. But is trying going to get me anywhere?

Probably not.

P.S.

I did promise that I'd put a big fat bitch on here. I don't think that one was big enough, so here's another: