That old mental sorrow

Okay people, I have work to do. As has been pointed out in abundance. I thought I was past this whole sordid relationship mess, or atleast further than I am. Spending time away from work has been great and I felt good for the first time in ages. This was my first indication that I was "over it".

However, life can be deceiving, and I owe it all to my subconscious. If something's bothering me I can block it out given time. That's pretty easy. Out of sight, out of mind. I started to get the hint that that wasn't working whenever I saw her. I should have paid attention to that revelation this week 'cos I'd managed to fool myself once again. I thought I was fine, but any vague reference to her sent me right back down the slope again. Goddamnit.

According to one website:

"The brain is a three-pound mass containing some 100 billion nerve cells - neurons - thousands of different kinds, each forming more than a thousand synaptic connections with other neurons. In all there may be anywhere between 100 trillion and a quadrillion synapses organized into elaborate networks that account for the brain's vast complexity."

All that and it's got nothing better to do than screw me over. Time for a new tactic methinks. Kathryn reckons that I need to work this through in stages, obviously there's a catch. I have to figure out most of those stages myself. So, I've done a little reading, and although what I found was quite inciteful, it was even more depressing in parts.

There's a lot of "it takes time" types of advice out there. And the old "you'll find love again" routine. Most of it's pretty well written and heartfelt, I'll give it that. The following article: http://www.affirmationsforpositivethinking.com/Articles/circumstances.htm is not that bad. I'm not saying I agree with it whole heartedly you understand. The bit where it says "it's all your fault, admit it" (or words to that effect) is kinda harsh. Although, if I go back far enough I can see that. If I'd never made a move I'd never be in this mess. If I'd not turned up for the date then I wouldn't be in this mess. If I'd never acknowledged her existence I wouldn't be in this mess. I accept those, but there's one point I'd like to make. THEY DON'T HELP ME AT ALL NOW! If I had a time machine, then sure, fine. Unfortunately I don't so it's just tough shit. I've got to deal with the cards dealt, no matter who dealt those cards.

I get that accepting responsibility is a big step for some reason. But what are those reasons? So you don't blame others for what you've rationalised as your own mistakes? So that you can avoid such things in the future? So you can put the world in some sort of perspective because you are in control of your destiny and it's not anyone elses fault? Again, none of this helps me.

So what's the good thing about about this article? There's one section, that I've listed below:

"Think of your mind as garden, you can cultivate it, or you can let it run wild. You can fill it with the weeds of negative thinking, thoughts of lack, limitation and worry. If you don't control your mind and cultivate it with positive thoughts regularly - the weeds of negative thinking will take over and destroy your life - just like weeds can destroy your garden."

That's a nice mental image for me. Of course my mental garden is a complete tip at the minute, but it might be something I can work with. Not that I ever liked gardening mind you. It's just this whole positive thinking lark. I've never been a positive thinker. Expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed. Get the best and be pleasantly surprised. Last time I had some positive thinking....well you can see the fallout of that one. That's why I thought the blocking out system would work. Obviously there are monumental flaws there.

I know people are sitting there thinking, jeez it's been like two weeks, what the hells wrong with you? I see why you're doing that. I really do. But to be brutlly honest, it's probably 'cos I'm not used to feeling anything at all really, never mind that brief flicker of hope and the bucket load of sorrow. Actually I tell a lie, I feel anger quite easily, but other than that, not much.

The other thing stopping me from bouncing back is the fact that I'm not entirely sure who I was before hand. I started to change after moving into the flat, then this happened, now I'm in a kind of limbo.

So what's the next step?

I've tried normal conversation with her. That was a little too one way and I always initiated it. It felt a awkawrd too. Kind of a dead end.

I've tried going out in a social group with her and she blanked me. True I never went over and made the first move, but she never looked in my direction and we all know what happened the last time I made the first move. Another dead end.

I've tried the out of sight out of mind approach, but that only seems to be a temporary fix. That said, it could tide me over until I go back to work I guess....but no, I need something more permanent.

Meeting someone else? I've pretty much lost all interest so I'd have to meet the most perfect woman ever. Chances are slim.

What about working on getting that interest back? Tough one that. Not sure how to execute that one so we'll come back to it another day.

Drink? I've tried that and it didn't last long enough.

Hypnosis? I could have her completely blanked out of my memory. I'm not sure where I'd go for that sort of thing though. Maybe if I check the yellow pages...

I'm drawing a blank here. Maybe the step should be smaller. More of an internal thing. Instead of trying to wipe her from my memory (something for which I can not find a solution to on the net), I'll need to do some internal rejigging. I don't quite see how that's possible though, since you are what you think and how you think it. If I change this then I become a different person. Ture, I have already begun on that path to becoming a different person, but not for the better. I need to backtrack a little.

So what do I need to change inside?

I need to stop thinking about her, full stop.
I need to disassociate seemingly random objects and events with her.
I need something to maintain my interest. However, this could fall into the out of sight category.
I need to get back to how I was. Not thinking about relationships at all maybe the easiest end result.
I need to regain a little optimisim, even if it's in a totally unrelated field.
I need a giant argument with someone. Anyone. Just to relieve some stress.
I need to scream, although 2:30am isn't the right time or place (neither of these are internal, true, but they need to be listed somewhere).
I need to figure out what I used to think about. I have no idea. Maybe that's why I used to have to keep my hands so busy, 'cos there was nothing to think about.

One last thing before I give up and go to bed (or give in and blog about something else). Upon my travels I came across http://www.shwedarling.com/blog/?p=22, which stated:

"Last but not least, remember that life is about living it to the fullest, not making it perfect!"

Balls is it.