Back down the ladder (again)
I know I end up (or should it be begin?) starting most posts with "well", but I just can't help it. So...
Well, disappointment strikes again. Yep, back off the emails and onto the phones for me. I really have no idea why I work in a call centre if I hate being on the phone so much. The reasons elude me, they have for the past 12 months. Okay, so the statistical reasons make sense, I can't argue with them. That's why they're there. However, it doesn't make me any happier. In fact I've been a boiling torrent of rage since I found out on Friday and I haven't been able to calm down since then. I'm just sick of the rollercoaster ride that is my "career". The ups are great, the downs make me throw up on my own face with the g-forces. I can never stay in one spot and this whole thing just goes to fuel my theory that I'm one big failure. All the evidence points to that one conclusion. There's no denying it. I'm back where I started a year ago and as it is I'm no better off.
One point keeps coming back to me and repeating itself in my head. Apparently I haven't been focused on the task at hand. This however may have been because people keep asking me to do other things. I guess I could have said no, but I think there's enough people in the world that hate me as it is without adding them to it.
I know it's pointless dwelling on it, but as you probably have figured out by now, that's fine in theory, but for me to put this sort of thing out of my mind, well that's another matter. I know over the next few weeks/months/maybe beyond I'm just going to get more and more angry until I either explode, someone kills me, or I find something that calms me down. The latter however is looking less and less likely.
Over the past 3 days I've been trying the tried and tested formula, drink 'til you're so distracted you'll forget for a bit. This, unfortunately, has not worked. My rage has kept me from being able to get drunk. Maybe if I just keep at it, that might work. Probably not though.
That isn't the only thing I've tried. I've tried watching films and playing games. Sure, they've helped while they were on, but as soon as they were over they stopped working. I've tried walking, but unfortunately my mind wanders into a visualisation mode when I walk usually, and recently the images I've been receiving have been somewhat....bloody. Don't worry, if you're reading this it's not about you. Oh, and when I get enraged I tend to pay less attention to traffic. I say that, I mean I know they're there and that they're coming straight for me, I just don't give a damn.
I've also tried bitching about the fact that I'm not happy. This has not helped in the slightest. So far I haven't gotten anyone to hit me. Maybe that's what I'm missing. If you see me later on (Tuesday 16th Jan) give me a slap, or a full blown punch in the face. Please.
Yeah, I know. It's back. But it's working. I know I should be worried about it, so I did a little research. Unfortunately all I can find are references to "self-harm" and, I may be being arsey here, but technically this is not what this is. But admittedly there are similarities. Self-harmers do it to gain an emotional release (none of the information I found claimed that it was a cry for help). Some feel more alive, others do it so they don't go completely insane. Some of the treatments for this are group therapy and "journalling". I think I've quite adequately combined the two already. Man, think of the state I'd get myself into if I didn't have the blog.
Oooh, there's spots on the back of my hand. Sorry, got a little distracted there. You know those brief moments when you see a collection of spots, or a mark or something and think "Ooh, I wonder if I'll get chicken pox tomorrow." Lets hope. Okay, now I don't know whether that itching is because I'm thinking about itching or not. Are you itching now? Sorry.
Where was I? Hmm, I guess I feel a tad calmer now. I knew blogging was at least a small portion of the key. As to whether this'll last 'til morning is another matter. I guess I'll just have to find someone tomorrow that likes to hit things.
...and yes, I heard the word melodromatic more than once flash through your mind. Hey, I'm just trying to get through the day.
Well, disappointment strikes again. Yep, back off the emails and onto the phones for me. I really have no idea why I work in a call centre if I hate being on the phone so much. The reasons elude me, they have for the past 12 months. Okay, so the statistical reasons make sense, I can't argue with them. That's why they're there. However, it doesn't make me any happier. In fact I've been a boiling torrent of rage since I found out on Friday and I haven't been able to calm down since then. I'm just sick of the rollercoaster ride that is my "career". The ups are great, the downs make me throw up on my own face with the g-forces. I can never stay in one spot and this whole thing just goes to fuel my theory that I'm one big failure. All the evidence points to that one conclusion. There's no denying it. I'm back where I started a year ago and as it is I'm no better off.
One point keeps coming back to me and repeating itself in my head. Apparently I haven't been focused on the task at hand. This however may have been because people keep asking me to do other things. I guess I could have said no, but I think there's enough people in the world that hate me as it is without adding them to it.
I know it's pointless dwelling on it, but as you probably have figured out by now, that's fine in theory, but for me to put this sort of thing out of my mind, well that's another matter. I know over the next few weeks/months/maybe beyond I'm just going to get more and more angry until I either explode, someone kills me, or I find something that calms me down. The latter however is looking less and less likely.
Over the past 3 days I've been trying the tried and tested formula, drink 'til you're so distracted you'll forget for a bit. This, unfortunately, has not worked. My rage has kept me from being able to get drunk. Maybe if I just keep at it, that might work. Probably not though.
That isn't the only thing I've tried. I've tried watching films and playing games. Sure, they've helped while they were on, but as soon as they were over they stopped working. I've tried walking, but unfortunately my mind wanders into a visualisation mode when I walk usually, and recently the images I've been receiving have been somewhat....bloody. Don't worry, if you're reading this it's not about you. Oh, and when I get enraged I tend to pay less attention to traffic. I say that, I mean I know they're there and that they're coming straight for me, I just don't give a damn.
I've also tried bitching about the fact that I'm not happy. This has not helped in the slightest. So far I haven't gotten anyone to hit me. Maybe that's what I'm missing. If you see me later on (Tuesday 16th Jan) give me a slap, or a full blown punch in the face. Please.
Yeah, I know. It's back. But it's working. I know I should be worried about it, so I did a little research. Unfortunately all I can find are references to "self-harm" and, I may be being arsey here, but technically this is not what this is. But admittedly there are similarities. Self-harmers do it to gain an emotional release (none of the information I found claimed that it was a cry for help). Some feel more alive, others do it so they don't go completely insane. Some of the treatments for this are group therapy and "journalling". I think I've quite adequately combined the two already. Man, think of the state I'd get myself into if I didn't have the blog.
Oooh, there's spots on the back of my hand. Sorry, got a little distracted there. You know those brief moments when you see a collection of spots, or a mark or something and think "Ooh, I wonder if I'll get chicken pox tomorrow." Lets hope. Okay, now I don't know whether that itching is because I'm thinking about itching or not. Are you itching now? Sorry.
Where was I? Hmm, I guess I feel a tad calmer now. I knew blogging was at least a small portion of the key. As to whether this'll last 'til morning is another matter. I guess I'll just have to find someone tomorrow that likes to hit things.
...and yes, I heard the word melodromatic more than once flash through your mind. Hey, I'm just trying to get through the day.
posted by The Warthog at
1:26 am
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