Happy new year
Christmas was good. I ate far too much (two helpings of Christmas dinner and 3 puddings!), so much in fact that I couldn't handle the traditional Christmas tea (i.e. forcing finger food down your throat even though you know you're not going to be hungry for a week anyway). Hope yours went well (unless, obviously, you don't deserve that sort of thing from me haha).
Happy new year to you! I set out with every intention of getting incredibly drunk. I think I succeeded quite admirably. More so in fact. If I called you at midnight and spoke jibberish at you I apologise. If I spoke jibberish to you in person, well......you should have been more drunk so you could have understood me.
It's weird, everytime we have a party here the place gets trashed. We went to someone elses party, yet I came back after everyone else and the place was still trashed. Go figure.
Now I know it's not traditional to give presents at new year, but the greatest one I could ever have received is a massive rant from the French DJ. 45 minutes of him trying to convert a room full of people to Brapologoy was comedy gold. Man I love French DJ rants haha.
It is traditional however to look back on the past year and forward to the next. Well, I have no shame in telling you that 2006 was the weirdest, most confusing, funniest, happiest, depressing, frustrating, and just damn strange of my life. To surmise:
3rd January 2006 I get a job, this consumes most of my time, but the benefit has been that I've made the greatest bunch of friends you could ask for. True I'd like to spend more time with them, and lord knows work isn't the easiest place to do this, but we get by. I treasure every opportunity I can get to do this. I love you all. What you may or may not know is that up until 2006 that would have been near impossible for me to come out and say. Not only because I didn't know you (obviously), but because that wasn't the type of person who could say that sort of thing.
Taking that into mind, over the past year I've changed as a person. For the better I hope. I've allowed myself to feel emotions other than hate. I've had more opportunity to do this because of the company I've kept. I've become more independent than I ever was before, yet I find myself relying on others more at the same time (although in a more moral support sense, not a physical sense). I've become better with my money, even though I never seem to have any. In fact, although I know I'm backtracking a little, I've come to crave the...well attention isn't the word, maybe affection could be better suited, from others. Not only does this go back to the patting a stray dog metaphor, but these days I find that there's nothing better than a hug with just the right amount of pressure. You know what I mean. You're not choking to death, but it's not like your grabbing air. Enough pressure as if they're saying "Hi. I'm here and I'd just like to let you know that." I know it sounds soppy, but well what the hell. What are online diaries for?
There are also elements of me that have probably changed for the worse. Things do get to me easier. I used to be a solid rock of an emotionless void....okay I'm mixing my metaphors really badly there and it doesn't work, but you get the idea. I used to avoid situations that would entale a high chance of rejection. This past year I've just been charging right in there. True it's never ever worked out and I've battered my skull to pieces as a result. But I guess it's something different. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I tend to disagree. If I go through much more rejection (either work-wise or otherwise) I don't think I'll be able to bounce back. Not that I bounce at the moment perse. Sure it was easier to begin with. I could tell myself that "it's okay, you're just trying this trying thing. Give it another go and see what happens." Now I know what happens and I know that each time it's just going to effect me harder.
This year I've also become somewhat odd. Hell, I was indeed odd to begin with, but it shows more readily now. I don't tend to hide it anymore, and I'm sure it's increased a bit. Sure I'm usually alone on this one and no one has a clue what I start to babble on about, but I can't help the way I think. In fact I'd not change it for the world. I like being odd and I don't see how I could go on being any different.
Two oddities come to mind quite readily. Both of which only started this year (or indeed last year) in fact. The urge to have people hit me is, I admit, weird. The theory behind it (physical pain helps distract you from the mental, or indeed thinking at all) works for me in practice and that's great. I haven't felt the urge to do this in a while, and lets face it, that's probably a good thing. That punch to the chest and almost through a wall was a bit much. However, that urge came back last night. I was walking home from work (since the buses stopped early for new year) and things began to knit together to form a conclusion I don't like. I'm a failure. What else is someone who tries at something and doesn't get it? Exactly, and no one wants to be a failure. Yeah, I know the next step should be to fix what the problem is and succeed, but lifes not that easy. There's nothing I could or would do differently, so there's no point. As you may have guessed this put me in a bit of a funk. So much so in fact that I got that urge. I guess later on the look on my face betrayed that and I was asked if I would like a punch in the face (in a kind way). I don't know if it was the severity of my expression that bypassed the whole slapping thing and went straight to the punching, but it did the trick for a while. It also escalated pretty quickly. At one point I had 4 people standing in a row all taking shots at me. It was great, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart. However, unlike usual, or because I'm out of practice, my face hurts like buggery. It hurt to eat this morning and now it hurts when I don't eat. Well, at least I still have my teeth. I may have to let the pain subside a little, but I'd really like to go through that again.
The other odd thing is the screaming. There were times before 2006 where I felt like screaming and I'd just bottle it up. Now if something vexes me enough I'll just go into my room and let rip with a deep roar/scream. It kills the throat and I can't speak properly afterwards, but again it does the trick. Handy tip, don't do as I did and do it as the landlord's knocking on your door. I don't think it left a great impression.
I don't quite know if my shyness has changed. I guess it's lessened a little. I used to find new people intimidating. At work I developed a strange customer friendly mentality and that helped me to talk to colleagues, if not for the sheer fact that I had to. Don't get me wrong, not everyone was spoken to 'cos I had to. Stop giving me that look. Sociably the shyness is slightly less I think, but not to any really noticable degree. It's still a big barrier there and self confidence and low self esteem still take their fair share of the digs at me. I don't particularly like myself and to be frank I've never seen why people would like me anyway. It's hard to try and see a third person viewpoint when you're staring at yourself. It doesn't help that I'm one ugly bugger though.
Another thing is that I've always felt like I'm pretending to be clever. Whilst I admit I'm not an idiot (I hope), I'm not what they thought I'd be at school. I don't know, it's just one of those nagging doubts at the back of my mind that twists the knife whenever it can.
It's been said that I tend to live in my head. This is very true. I think about things, everything, too much. I think things to death. I see all the bad points ahead of time instead of the good. I read into things that may or may not be there. But, it has it's advantages. For one it's helped me to write this blog. Without all of these crazy ideas created when I've been sitting there contemplating this would just be your bog-standard crazy persons diary.
Talking about the blog, this is one of the greatest things I've done. I know that sounds big headed now that I look again, but bare with me. It started off as a realisation. I was emailing Meadow Vole after he'd started his new job and he's a smart guy. I knew he'd be able to follow the weird twisty, topsy tervy writing style I have, so I just let loose. I threw in a bunch of crazy metaphors, and he replied right back. It made me realise how much I enjoyed writing. So, I thought to myself "How can I do more of this?" Well you're looking at the answer, so thank you Meadow Vole. Thank you so very much.
The blog did start out as a way to write my random thoughts and musings, but it grew. I put more of me in there. And more, and more. Slowly people I knew started to read it and next thing I know I'm posting a topic at night and we're having large discussions about it the next day. It was fantastic. To realise that sure I'd found a way to vent my overflowing mind, but people began to give me feedback. People actually found me funny (and not in the nasty way, although I'm sure that's also true). Going back to what I said before, I don't think much of myself, but knowing I could make people laugh made me feel good.
There were also bad points to the blog. It is indeed the most controvertial thing I have ever done, and because of this I can't actually tell you why it's been so controvertial.....of course if I've spoken to you face to face you'll know why. Friends and family did say that it would be best to delete it and put it to rest to save myself. I could never do that. It provides me my only method of expunging all of this junk in my head, I don't plan these blog posts other than the title, I just write them as they come to me. Hell, I thought this one would take 15 minute. I think it's been 35 so far. I'd go insane without this, or I'd end up screaming a hell of a lot more and permanently black and blue.
The past year I think I've met more people than in my entire life combined. Work people, friends of work people, random acquaintences of people I know. Complete strangers. It's gotten so bad that I can spend a day with a new person and not remember a thing about them the next time I see them. And forget about remembering their names.....'cos I do quite a bit. I don't know who's more embarrassed when that happens, but it happens quite a bit. Sorry.
A big big thing this year has been the whole moving out thing. It's apparently one of the most stressful things a human being can do. Now I know why they say that. Packing, bills, decorating and making it feel like a home, chores, more bills, responsibility. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. I love this flat and although it's a bit of a state most of the time, I'm sure most people who've been here do to. At one time it seemed like it was "THE" place to be. We had people round most nights and it was a blast. Then, as time went on, the flow of traffic throught the flat died down. Hell, when Spicy left it pretty much died. I miss the good old days. They were a laugh a minute. We still see Spicy now and then. He'll come by like a hurricane and leave again, but it's good to see him. We still need to find someone else to move in though. I can't pay for one and a half rooms forever. At this stage we may have to try for a random stranger. I really do not like this prospect. I'm paranoid enough about it, I really don't want to think about it. But it's never going to get sorted if I don't think about it. AARRGGHHH.
There are also the amazing parties we've had here. I can't believe how great they've been. It's a really good feeling to know that the greatest part you've ever been to was you're own. The housewarming was indeed the one. Spicy's birthday was good too. Halloween was a great laugh and I got to personify my love of 80's cartoons. The smaller gathers of friends have also been a highlight of my year. There's little better than a gathering of close friends.
So yeah, I guess now you know why it's been such a weird year for me. I guess I better do that whole looking to the future thing too. Unfortunately I can't time travel very far but I do have hopes for the coming year. I hope to rebuild my self esteem and confidence to the same height as I managed to get them earlier in the year. I hope to be able to keep them higher for longer too. Dunno how exactly I'm going to pull that one off, but I've got a year to figure it out. I want to be able to claim the year as my own. I want to be able to sit here (or wherever I am) on 1st January 2008 and write "Well I did it. I made 2007 my own." I guess we'll just wait and see.
I'd also like to meet someone. That would be nice. Hell, of course it would. It's not necessarily going to happen, but as I said, I can hope.
Well, I hope your year was a good one and I hope that 2007 will be even better. I'll leave you with the speech on the text Johnson sent me. I really like this:
"A new year, a new day, a new beginning. Put away past experiences that made life dull and dim. Don't gloat over yesterday, for what lies ahead is greater. Just welcome the new year (2007), for it is here. May you achieve all your heartfelt desires. Have a glorious year."
Happy new year to you! I set out with every intention of getting incredibly drunk. I think I succeeded quite admirably. More so in fact. If I called you at midnight and spoke jibberish at you I apologise. If I spoke jibberish to you in person, well......you should have been more drunk so you could have understood me.
It's weird, everytime we have a party here the place gets trashed. We went to someone elses party, yet I came back after everyone else and the place was still trashed. Go figure.
Now I know it's not traditional to give presents at new year, but the greatest one I could ever have received is a massive rant from the French DJ. 45 minutes of him trying to convert a room full of people to Brapologoy was comedy gold. Man I love French DJ rants haha.
It is traditional however to look back on the past year and forward to the next. Well, I have no shame in telling you that 2006 was the weirdest, most confusing, funniest, happiest, depressing, frustrating, and just damn strange of my life. To surmise:
3rd January 2006 I get a job, this consumes most of my time, but the benefit has been that I've made the greatest bunch of friends you could ask for. True I'd like to spend more time with them, and lord knows work isn't the easiest place to do this, but we get by. I treasure every opportunity I can get to do this. I love you all. What you may or may not know is that up until 2006 that would have been near impossible for me to come out and say. Not only because I didn't know you (obviously), but because that wasn't the type of person who could say that sort of thing.
Taking that into mind, over the past year I've changed as a person. For the better I hope. I've allowed myself to feel emotions other than hate. I've had more opportunity to do this because of the company I've kept. I've become more independent than I ever was before, yet I find myself relying on others more at the same time (although in a more moral support sense, not a physical sense). I've become better with my money, even though I never seem to have any. In fact, although I know I'm backtracking a little, I've come to crave the...well attention isn't the word, maybe affection could be better suited, from others. Not only does this go back to the patting a stray dog metaphor, but these days I find that there's nothing better than a hug with just the right amount of pressure. You know what I mean. You're not choking to death, but it's not like your grabbing air. Enough pressure as if they're saying "Hi. I'm here and I'd just like to let you know that." I know it sounds soppy, but well what the hell. What are online diaries for?
There are also elements of me that have probably changed for the worse. Things do get to me easier. I used to be a solid rock of an emotionless void....okay I'm mixing my metaphors really badly there and it doesn't work, but you get the idea. I used to avoid situations that would entale a high chance of rejection. This past year I've just been charging right in there. True it's never ever worked out and I've battered my skull to pieces as a result. But I guess it's something different. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I tend to disagree. If I go through much more rejection (either work-wise or otherwise) I don't think I'll be able to bounce back. Not that I bounce at the moment perse. Sure it was easier to begin with. I could tell myself that "it's okay, you're just trying this trying thing. Give it another go and see what happens." Now I know what happens and I know that each time it's just going to effect me harder.
This year I've also become somewhat odd. Hell, I was indeed odd to begin with, but it shows more readily now. I don't tend to hide it anymore, and I'm sure it's increased a bit. Sure I'm usually alone on this one and no one has a clue what I start to babble on about, but I can't help the way I think. In fact I'd not change it for the world. I like being odd and I don't see how I could go on being any different.
Two oddities come to mind quite readily. Both of which only started this year (or indeed last year) in fact. The urge to have people hit me is, I admit, weird. The theory behind it (physical pain helps distract you from the mental, or indeed thinking at all) works for me in practice and that's great. I haven't felt the urge to do this in a while, and lets face it, that's probably a good thing. That punch to the chest and almost through a wall was a bit much. However, that urge came back last night. I was walking home from work (since the buses stopped early for new year) and things began to knit together to form a conclusion I don't like. I'm a failure. What else is someone who tries at something and doesn't get it? Exactly, and no one wants to be a failure. Yeah, I know the next step should be to fix what the problem is and succeed, but lifes not that easy. There's nothing I could or would do differently, so there's no point. As you may have guessed this put me in a bit of a funk. So much so in fact that I got that urge. I guess later on the look on my face betrayed that and I was asked if I would like a punch in the face (in a kind way). I don't know if it was the severity of my expression that bypassed the whole slapping thing and went straight to the punching, but it did the trick for a while. It also escalated pretty quickly. At one point I had 4 people standing in a row all taking shots at me. It was great, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart. However, unlike usual, or because I'm out of practice, my face hurts like buggery. It hurt to eat this morning and now it hurts when I don't eat. Well, at least I still have my teeth. I may have to let the pain subside a little, but I'd really like to go through that again.
The other odd thing is the screaming. There were times before 2006 where I felt like screaming and I'd just bottle it up. Now if something vexes me enough I'll just go into my room and let rip with a deep roar/scream. It kills the throat and I can't speak properly afterwards, but again it does the trick. Handy tip, don't do as I did and do it as the landlord's knocking on your door. I don't think it left a great impression.
I don't quite know if my shyness has changed. I guess it's lessened a little. I used to find new people intimidating. At work I developed a strange customer friendly mentality and that helped me to talk to colleagues, if not for the sheer fact that I had to. Don't get me wrong, not everyone was spoken to 'cos I had to. Stop giving me that look. Sociably the shyness is slightly less I think, but not to any really noticable degree. It's still a big barrier there and self confidence and low self esteem still take their fair share of the digs at me. I don't particularly like myself and to be frank I've never seen why people would like me anyway. It's hard to try and see a third person viewpoint when you're staring at yourself. It doesn't help that I'm one ugly bugger though.
Another thing is that I've always felt like I'm pretending to be clever. Whilst I admit I'm not an idiot (I hope), I'm not what they thought I'd be at school. I don't know, it's just one of those nagging doubts at the back of my mind that twists the knife whenever it can.
It's been said that I tend to live in my head. This is very true. I think about things, everything, too much. I think things to death. I see all the bad points ahead of time instead of the good. I read into things that may or may not be there. But, it has it's advantages. For one it's helped me to write this blog. Without all of these crazy ideas created when I've been sitting there contemplating this would just be your bog-standard crazy persons diary.
Talking about the blog, this is one of the greatest things I've done. I know that sounds big headed now that I look again, but bare with me. It started off as a realisation. I was emailing Meadow Vole after he'd started his new job and he's a smart guy. I knew he'd be able to follow the weird twisty, topsy tervy writing style I have, so I just let loose. I threw in a bunch of crazy metaphors, and he replied right back. It made me realise how much I enjoyed writing. So, I thought to myself "How can I do more of this?" Well you're looking at the answer, so thank you Meadow Vole. Thank you so very much.
The blog did start out as a way to write my random thoughts and musings, but it grew. I put more of me in there. And more, and more. Slowly people I knew started to read it and next thing I know I'm posting a topic at night and we're having large discussions about it the next day. It was fantastic. To realise that sure I'd found a way to vent my overflowing mind, but people began to give me feedback. People actually found me funny (and not in the nasty way, although I'm sure that's also true). Going back to what I said before, I don't think much of myself, but knowing I could make people laugh made me feel good.
There were also bad points to the blog. It is indeed the most controvertial thing I have ever done, and because of this I can't actually tell you why it's been so controvertial.....of course if I've spoken to you face to face you'll know why. Friends and family did say that it would be best to delete it and put it to rest to save myself. I could never do that. It provides me my only method of expunging all of this junk in my head, I don't plan these blog posts other than the title, I just write them as they come to me. Hell, I thought this one would take 15 minute. I think it's been 35 so far. I'd go insane without this, or I'd end up screaming a hell of a lot more and permanently black and blue.
The past year I think I've met more people than in my entire life combined. Work people, friends of work people, random acquaintences of people I know. Complete strangers. It's gotten so bad that I can spend a day with a new person and not remember a thing about them the next time I see them. And forget about remembering their names.....'cos I do quite a bit. I don't know who's more embarrassed when that happens, but it happens quite a bit. Sorry.
A big big thing this year has been the whole moving out thing. It's apparently one of the most stressful things a human being can do. Now I know why they say that. Packing, bills, decorating and making it feel like a home, chores, more bills, responsibility. But, I wouldn't change it for the world. I love this flat and although it's a bit of a state most of the time, I'm sure most people who've been here do to. At one time it seemed like it was "THE" place to be. We had people round most nights and it was a blast. Then, as time went on, the flow of traffic throught the flat died down. Hell, when Spicy left it pretty much died. I miss the good old days. They were a laugh a minute. We still see Spicy now and then. He'll come by like a hurricane and leave again, but it's good to see him. We still need to find someone else to move in though. I can't pay for one and a half rooms forever. At this stage we may have to try for a random stranger. I really do not like this prospect. I'm paranoid enough about it, I really don't want to think about it. But it's never going to get sorted if I don't think about it. AARRGGHHH.
There are also the amazing parties we've had here. I can't believe how great they've been. It's a really good feeling to know that the greatest part you've ever been to was you're own. The housewarming was indeed the one. Spicy's birthday was good too. Halloween was a great laugh and I got to personify my love of 80's cartoons. The smaller gathers of friends have also been a highlight of my year. There's little better than a gathering of close friends.
So yeah, I guess now you know why it's been such a weird year for me. I guess I better do that whole looking to the future thing too. Unfortunately I can't time travel very far but I do have hopes for the coming year. I hope to rebuild my self esteem and confidence to the same height as I managed to get them earlier in the year. I hope to be able to keep them higher for longer too. Dunno how exactly I'm going to pull that one off, but I've got a year to figure it out. I want to be able to claim the year as my own. I want to be able to sit here (or wherever I am) on 1st January 2008 and write "Well I did it. I made 2007 my own." I guess we'll just wait and see.
I'd also like to meet someone. That would be nice. Hell, of course it would. It's not necessarily going to happen, but as I said, I can hope.
Well, I hope your year was a good one and I hope that 2007 will be even better. I'll leave you with the speech on the text Johnson sent me. I really like this:
"A new year, a new day, a new beginning. Put away past experiences that made life dull and dim. Don't gloat over yesterday, for what lies ahead is greater. Just welcome the new year (2007), for it is here. May you achieve all your heartfelt desires. Have a glorious year."
posted by The Warthog at
9:20 pm
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