The star of your life

It's weird how people seem to look at their own lives. Most people seem to see themselves as the star of a film. One that has a definitive beginning, middle and end. One with a story and a goal. An overall outcome other than the surprising death of the main character. It's the dream that gets them through. Knowing that it's all worth it. All the pain and suffering will ultimately lead to something greater.

I can't help but wonder if that's a little naive

We can't all be destined for great things. There are some of us that grow old and decay having accomplished nothing. There are those who don't make it that far. And yes, there are those who rule the world and have ample time for a quick game of scrabble afterwards. The point is, I can see where they're coming from...okay it may not be the point but it's....well it's part of it.

I myself see myself as the key character in my life. Not to downplay anyone elses parts, but from my perspective, if I die then the movie's over. I don't get to see any more. I don't get to pay to see someone elses show. Animal instinct forces us to try and stay alive, so why not use it. I work so I can pay to live. What's wrong with that? It's not too selfish is it?

I wonder if there are people out there playing different roles in their own movies. Lesser characters. I suppose the most logical answer could be some parents. I understand that having children is a special thing, the formation of a tight bond. I can see how people can see their future in that newborn face and (sometimes) happily give up the limelight to let someone else take up centre stage.

I suppose that's what you're taught in the military too. They break you down to become more compliant and less impulsive. They become the directors of your movie...or atleast for as long as the cameras are running.

There are those with such low self esteem that would probably give up their main character gig just to avoid any sort of interaction, and that's just depressing.

I find myself thinking this mainly because as of the last few months, I can't tell if there's even a camera running. I've carried on working, paying the bills, enjoying myself when I have the time, but then what? Don't get me wrong, the enjoying myself bit is top notch. It's what I'm here for.
But, my movie seems to lack a direction of late. Nothing to push the plot forward.

I can't see a plot in the story of my life, but it's not necessarily because there isn't one. Maybe it's going to be a surprise ending. Something you wouldn't expect in amongst all of the chaos? Or maybe it's just masked by all of the comedy? It's just sliding on by. Or maybe there isn't a plot. Maybe they're fooling themselves. Life might just well be a series of random events set in place by other random event....or maybe....well there could be any number of possibilities when you think about it. The accumulated star quality of our lives, when combined, could tell the plot of the Earth's, nay the galaxies story. Maybe we can write our own. You never can tell until it's over. I'd like to believe that I'm headed for my big action scene, but in the back of my mind I'm prepared to just live out my time waiting during the funny bits and trying to fast forward the boring ones.

I really did want to end that on that last sentence. I really did, it was quite nice. However, I've just rememebered the reason I started this whole thing. I've decided I'm going to quit my job in the new year. I've had enough of the weird atmosphere, the deceit, the constant self dellusionment I put myself through time and again when I go for promotion. It's not the same as it was. It never can be. Definately not where I am now. So maybe I need to find somewhere else to waste my time making money. I need to try and force my story onward and in a new direction. Add extra characters. A good guy told me on his leaving day "Don't let the bastards grind you down". It's true, I've let them and the only way out of the granary is to leave the farmers land altogether. Start afresh....and worry about money like a loon (I am already). Of course I'll get another job first, but then there's the decisions like do I stay in call centre's (almost everyone I know are still in there), or do I find something else? What am I capable of? Who would accept me? Am I destined to remain in the call centre world? All to ponder on.