Baby Leckie

Leckie's had his baby! Did I tell you he was pregnant? I suppose I'm still freaked about mentioning people's lives on here since the first time I got into bother, but I felt this had to be noted. She's a week old today. Still not seen her yet. Congratulations

The star of your life

It's weird how people seem to look at their own lives. Most people seem to see themselves as the star of a film. One that has a definitive beginning, middle and end. One with a story and a goal. An overall outcome other than the surprising death of the main character. It's the dream that gets them through. Knowing that it's all worth it. All the pain and suffering will ultimately lead to something greater.

I can't help but wonder if that's a little naive

We can't all be destined for great things. There are some of us that grow old and decay having accomplished nothing. There are those who don't make it that far. And yes, there are those who rule the world and have ample time for a quick game of scrabble afterwards. The point is, I can see where they're coming from...okay it may not be the point but it's....well it's part of it.

I myself see myself as the key character in my life. Not to downplay anyone elses parts, but from my perspective, if I die then the movie's over. I don't get to see any more. I don't get to pay to see someone elses show. Animal instinct forces us to try and stay alive, so why not use it. I work so I can pay to live. What's wrong with that? It's not too selfish is it?

I wonder if there are people out there playing different roles in their own movies. Lesser characters. I suppose the most logical answer could be some parents. I understand that having children is a special thing, the formation of a tight bond. I can see how people can see their future in that newborn face and (sometimes) happily give up the limelight to let someone else take up centre stage.

I suppose that's what you're taught in the military too. They break you down to become more compliant and less impulsive. They become the directors of your movie...or atleast for as long as the cameras are running.

There are those with such low self esteem that would probably give up their main character gig just to avoid any sort of interaction, and that's just depressing.

I find myself thinking this mainly because as of the last few months, I can't tell if there's even a camera running. I've carried on working, paying the bills, enjoying myself when I have the time, but then what? Don't get me wrong, the enjoying myself bit is top notch. It's what I'm here for.
But, my movie seems to lack a direction of late. Nothing to push the plot forward.

I can't see a plot in the story of my life, but it's not necessarily because there isn't one. Maybe it's going to be a surprise ending. Something you wouldn't expect in amongst all of the chaos? Or maybe it's just masked by all of the comedy? It's just sliding on by. Or maybe there isn't a plot. Maybe they're fooling themselves. Life might just well be a series of random events set in place by other random event....or maybe....well there could be any number of possibilities when you think about it. The accumulated star quality of our lives, when combined, could tell the plot of the Earth's, nay the galaxies story. Maybe we can write our own. You never can tell until it's over. I'd like to believe that I'm headed for my big action scene, but in the back of my mind I'm prepared to just live out my time waiting during the funny bits and trying to fast forward the boring ones.

I really did want to end that on that last sentence. I really did, it was quite nice. However, I've just rememebered the reason I started this whole thing. I've decided I'm going to quit my job in the new year. I've had enough of the weird atmosphere, the deceit, the constant self dellusionment I put myself through time and again when I go for promotion. It's not the same as it was. It never can be. Definately not where I am now. So maybe I need to find somewhere else to waste my time making money. I need to try and force my story onward and in a new direction. Add extra characters. A good guy told me on his leaving day "Don't let the bastards grind you down". It's true, I've let them and the only way out of the granary is to leave the farmers land altogether. Start afresh....and worry about money like a loon (I am already). Of course I'll get another job first, but then there's the decisions like do I stay in call centre's (almost everyone I know are still in there), or do I find something else? What am I capable of? Who would accept me? Am I destined to remain in the call centre world? All to ponder on.

Hunting season's over

Is it a bad thing that the main controversial thing in my life is this blog? Or is it just sad? Don't answer. Anyway, it's happened again. Well after a lot of work (not on my part) we finally got to meet the Monk. Turns out he's more than a little miffed about the Monk hunt and he in no uncertain terms accused us all (and me as a ringleader) of stalking him. He seemed to find a collection people caring whether he was alive or dead was too intrusive and far more information than they need to know. This accusation went on for some time. I don't want to go into the details but wrapping the whole debacle up, sod him. If he can't take a lighthearted interest in his well being then why should I care any more? Fuck it.

School reunited

Evenin bloggees. Been a while. To tell you the truth I just can't be arsed with most things nowadays, so dragging myself off the settee has been the major factor in the lack of blogging. I do have lots to catch up on however (most of which admittedly I have probably forgotten by now).

Last night we went out on the drink with some of Becky's new work colleagues. We went to one of theres first, and as I'd taken almost a full bottle of Taboo with me (sorry Kathryn, I will have to replace that I guess), I felt it only civil that I down the whole thing before we left for town. Needless to say, the term merry doesn't quite cover it. Man I haven't been that drunk.....well a very long time. It's a good job really 'cos I wasn't in the best of moods to start with (don't really know why), but it cheered me right up.

We ended up going down the scene (not my favourite place of all time, but I can tollerate it) to a karaoke place we know. Thankfully I wasn't quite drunk enough to give in peoples singing requests. Phew. Anyway, as soon as I walk up the stairs I'm sure I see a guy I went to school with. I have no idea what his name is and I don't think we ever had a conversation in the past, so I figured why bother now? Exactly. Don't. It was weird though. Seeing some guy I went to school with in a gay bar by himself, chatting up the older gents. Strangely enough.....that wasn't the only odd thing that night.

We're there for a few more hours and in walks a guy I work with. I'm sure the rumour mill at work will start gringing away again. Will that mill never break down? Needless to say, the oddness didn't end there.

So I'm standing there, swaying and giggling like a schoolgirl when I get a tap on the shoulder. "I'm sure I went the school with you! Is your name Allan?" (although admittedly she probably didn't remember it was two L's in Allan). Turns out it was Sally, a girl I used to go to school with. I was shocked she even remembered my name (I'm shocked when anyone remembers my name to be fair). What shocked me more was that despite the illusionment I had put myself under, I mustn't look that much different than I did at school. Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit. For someone who was picked on because of their looks at school this does not bode well. Wallowing in self pity here I come.......fortunately that didn't really hit me until I started reading this so all in all I had a really good night. It was nice to see Sally again, although I'm sure I was pretty incomprehensible.

Right, I've gotta go to bastard work on a bastard Saturday to do my bastard job. I'll see you later.

.....kill me.