Primal vocal work

Now I may have already told you this, I may not have. I don't think I have at least. And if I have I apologise and give you permission to skip ahead....although I may be sneaky and plant something in there that you didn't know. That's me for you.

Annnnyway, there are times when life gets to me. It never used to. I used to cut myself off emotionally and drift through it like so much soggy marmelade. But in the past year things have changed. I've changed. I've let those barriers down and now I'm not so much the emotional cripple I once was. This, obviously, has it's down sides. Sure I could go on about how great things can be, and don't get me wrong, they can and are. I'm able to enjoy things more not that I can associate an emotion with them.

However, back to the downsides. The good times are good, and the bad times are very bad....the inbetween times are myeh. There's only so much disappointment and rejection one person can take. Yes, as you may have guessed it, I've gotten myself rejected yet again. I really should stop going for promotions. It's only sapping my willingness to strive forward with each attempt. I know I've said this before, but what actually is the point in trying if I have to go through all this emotional shit? It was so much easier when I didn't react. But it's part of life now and I've got to deal with it.

I always used to think "If you never try, you never fail. If you never fail you're never disappointed." That did me well for the longest time. I probably should have listened to myself more. True there are those who come up with the counter argument "Yeah, but if you never try, you never succeed." This is also true. But, isn't it human nature that you will fail to attain something on average more times than you will attain it? If this is true, shouldn't you look at the wider picture? Is the goal going to be worth all that rejection? Or are you happier ignoring the whole thing and putting it out of your life?

Unfortunately, it is human nature to grasp for what we do not have. We start this as infants, and we carry on with it like a damn relay race. Passing the baton to the next older version of us.

So, where does that leave me? Well, I've had enough of the whole rejection thing to stop going for promotions. I don't see the point in trying anymore. It's just going to end up in more rejection. However, will that stop me going for other things (non-job related)? Who knows? I'll try not to let it get that far, but that sort of thing doesn't come up that regularly anyway. I guess we'll just play it by ear. But I wouldn't hold you breath on it panning out.

I almost forgot the main reason I started this entry. Jeez, how my mind wanders. Sorry about that. I was leading up to it, then I got carried away. Did I ever tell you what I do when I get so damn frustrated with it all? I scream. Sure, it's a big, butch, manly (haha) primal scream, but it's a scream. Something so gutteral that I feel the demon inside of me letting loose. Airing it's greivances and letting it's prescence be known. I don't do this there and then of course. I reserve that time when I'm in my bedroom. Sure I've done it in front of other people before, but I warned them ahead of time and I couldn't be bothered to stand up.

So far I haven't got my technique down. Recently I've been really hurting my throat and giving myself a little headache. The force at which I do this feels like I'm tearing my lungs out through my windpipe, and it stays that way for an hour or two. But, it's worth it. I do feel better for it. A little more relaxed. A little less tense. If only for the fact that my mental pain is being lifted by the physical.

That reminds me (and for once the two are interconnected), the physical violence thing hasn't broke out in a while. The urge to have someone beat the crap out of me hasn't risen in God knows how long. Maybe that's why this whole thing has been getting to me? 'cos I haven't had regular doses of physical pain to block out the mental. But, it's not something I can turn off and on.

That doesn't really feel like an ending. I feel like I'm leaving you hanging.....but isn't that just how life is?