Kick me in the face, 'cos it would feel nicer

Have you ever desperately wanted to talk about something and that slight wave of hesitation is all it took to stop you? That's what my life feels like now. Sure life doesn't always go how you expect it to, I can accept that. It doesn't make it any easier to handle. Sure I went out on a date with this gorgeous, intelligent woman, and sure things went amazingly well, but as I said, some things just don't go how you expect them to.

After reading that I almost convinced myself that everything was okay. But everything went and flipped on it's head, as most things often seem to do. Apparently we both had a great time, but apparently that isn't enough. If she can't mentally enter into a relationship as is then I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Sure I could try the chasing, begging, inquisitive obsessive approach, but you should know by now that I just don't have that in me.

You know, this is why I don't try this sort of thing. No one likes rejection, even those that believe they're a cold hearted shell of a human being. That's the risk you take when you travel down that road, but from this end it doesn't seem worth getting back onto the pavement and walking back up the street, only to end up in this same shitty part of town a little while later (or maybe in an even worse part of town). Sure the lights might be bright at the far end, and the shop windows on the way are illuminated in their own individual ways, but you may never reach that glowing mecca, you may, in fact not get anywhere near.

From here, I can see the park bench where I used to sit down the road. It looks so comfy from here, despite it's bare wooden lats and inadequate protection from the rain. It was comfy. Why the hell did I ever stand up to stretch my legs?

It works two ways I suppose. Sure the bench looks comfy from here. But think how luxuriant the ones look just up the road. Who wouldn't be tempted by that? Well, as most fish will tell you (those with half a brain) "You shouldn't always try to reach for the shiny thing in front of you...for you never know when a fly is indeed a fly." Of course, most fish don't figure that one out until it's too late.

I think I've been relatively numb all day. As time goes on things dawn on you. Unfortunately that feeling left me some time ago and the only way I can describe the feeling I have now is, well, heartbroken. Drink hasn't helped me get the numbness back, which is somewhat of a disappointment. The only thing I can think of that will right now is sleep. But who can think about that right now?

Sure it's easy to say "there's plenty more fish in the sea", or what have you, it's another to get up and get the old fishing rod out again....yeah I noticed that too, there's a weird fish vibe that's developed in this post. I have no idea what that's about.

It's true what they say though, time is a great healer...but it's no magician and if you get your legs blown off, time isn't going to grow them back for you, it can only do so much.

Yeah I'd like to strike a line under the past two weeks and move on, and that's what I will try to do, but it doesn't mean I'm going to move in the same direction as I was. Life was simpler back where I was, the reclusive nobody, more than happy with his own company, yet appreciative of the company of others. Who wants to invest all that you are into one other person? I did. I still do. But I have to learn to get back in touch with the old me.

Sorry about that. I really can't bring myself to read all that to make sure my metaphors make sense. It's far too depressing.